Unapologetically Raw

I feel nothing at all. 

I am devoid of any emotion.

I feel like an empty vessel. 

I can’t feel sadness.

I can’t feel joy.

I can’t feel my burning passion for a lot of things that I care about.

I can’t even feel pain.

Even with my own confusion, no emotion has been triggered.

What is happening to me? 

My mind tells me that this is scary, but I can’t even feel the fear. 

It's been quite a while since I wrote something and posted good stuff on Instagram. For months, I've been knee-deep with my MA, finishing my TESOL and other online courses, doing some volunteer work, teaching my students, and working extremely hard to fight my depression.

Yes... you read it right. I'm battling depression that's why I can't post something positive. How can I spread positivity when even I couldn't feel it? False positivity is just not my thing.

It started about 6 or 7 months into the pandemic last year... I've been in and out of a dark place. From a different perspective given the current circumstance that we all find ourselves in, I could be considered as one of the lucky ones because for one thing I'm physically healthy among other things to be grateful for. Yet despite that, I find myself experiencing anxiety, sleepless nights, and demotivation. There are times when even getting up from the bed feels exhausting.

Being inside of your head is the hardest and scariest place to be when you are depressed. It feels like there's this part of you that's in a deep pit wanting to climb out but can't or don't know how. The emotions are just too chaotic and overwhelming. There were moments when I couldn't do anything productive for a week or so, and I would feel guilty and hate myself for that causing another bout of anxiety. Honestly, it's exhausting that you just want it to be over as soon as possible.

Every night I pray that when I open my eyes the next day, the fog would be lifted or at least I could get through another day no matter how hard it is. Every day, I wake up and do my best to fight the demon inside me. I do all sorts of stuff that I know could make me feel better somehow just to get by. At the back of my mind, I've been thinking that there are people suffering more than me, but they continue to live. It also occurred to me that I shouldn't invalidate my feelings... that it's normal to feel this way.

So about three months ago, I decided to conduct research on mental health as my course project. I've been thinking that since my mental health is threatened, I might as well learn more about it and raise awareness to help normalize conversations and break the stigma and discrimination regarding mental health.

I'm still in the process of climbing out of this pit by telling myself that I can't solve the world's problem, but I can somehow help if I redirect my energy in doing something good for me and those around me, to not react to every single thing that's out of my control, and to be open and honest about what I'm going through because I cannot advocate for something unless I share it, thus I'm putting this out here.

I think that admitting that you are depressed is one step to helping yourself get out of the dark place. People with depression aren't looking for pity...knowing that there's someone you can talk to without fear of judgment when everything feels overwhelming is good enough. This is based on my personal experience, I would still advice those who are experiencing severe depression to consult with experts.  

There are a lot of people fighting their silent battles. Maybe you know some or maybe you don't. But if ever that you have family or friends who seem to be withdrawing or disconnecting from the world, try to reach out and ask how they are. If they don't respond to you in what is considered an "acceptable" amount of time, let them because they may need the time to process their feelings and thoughts or to "re-energize." Just remind them that you are gonna be there whenever they are ready. Better yet simply make it a habit to reach out to friends and family every now and then because we may see them smiling and laughing, however, we are unaware of how they truly feel.

Depression is dangerous because you can't see it; it's a "virus" that cannot be cured by vaccine and may lead to irreversible consequence.

To help normalize conversations on mental health, break the stigma and discrimination, and genuinely help people suffering from various mental illness, you can...

EDUCATE YOURSELF. BE KIND. BE SENSITIVE. HAVE AN OPEN MIND. ADVOCATE TO ADDRESS AND TREAT NON-COMMUNICABLE DISEASES.

In the summer of 2019, I was working in Shanghai and one of the adventures that my friends and I did was to visit Tianzifang. It is this charming tourist attraction in the residential area of the French Concession that is filled with tiny boutique shops, cafés, and restaurants. You navigate through narrow alley ways to get from one shop to another which made me feel like I was in Diagon Alley from Harry Potter minus the wizards, witches, and dark magic.

In one of those alleys, we found this charming Le Petit Prince (The Little Prince) shop. They sell all sorts of dreamy, charming trinkets, and the interior is so homey that it reminds you of the wonders of childhood. I watched the film "The Little Prince" many years before and I have forgotten about a lot of details from that film and even how it made me feel.

But on that day... in that shop... I saw the mural of The Little Prince and the famous line:

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

I have recently read the book that my friend gifted to me and stumbled on that line again. Those words touched my heart, nay, my soul... there is something in that message that is just so pure that brings tears to my eyes and gives me a warm fuzzy feeling like snuggling under a warm fluffy blanket on a cold day.

Essentially, "The Little Prince" is telling us that people forget what is essential once they grow up. They forget about the wonders of life, the simplicity of childhood, and the emotional connection with people. When we grow up, things need to make sense all the time, serious, and heavy because we have responsibilities, bills to pay, and a reputation to uphold.

It made me contemplate that perhaps our dreams are the same as being "grown -ups." When we start out our dreams, they are simple, beautiful, and pure. However, once we work for that dream, we succumb to the pressure and anxiety along the way of making that dream into reality that we lose sight of the purpose on why we started to work for it in the first place.

It is easy to get carried away to keep up with the expectations of the society, the promise of fame and fortune, or the fear that our efforts are in vain. But we should not be drowned by the external factors that make us abandon the passion and purpose to achieve our dreams.

We are surrounded with things that are supposed to make us feel fulfilled and whole as a human being. Yet deep down, the little prince was right, we are blindly pursuing nothing because we forgot what is essential: the purity of our dreams...the reason behind them. It is important that we know exactly why we do what we do now, and we don't take the fun and magic that make it special for us.

I always have the notion that life is simple, and only humans are making it complicated. Going after our dreams should not be as complicated or problematic as we make it out to be.

Ask yourself:

Am I doing this for the fame, fortune, or out of responsibility? Or...am I doing this to make a difference, to make myself happy, or out of passion?

No matter what your reason is, at least you know where you can find what you are looking for. Your dreams won't be lost in a limbo of "grown-ups" who wander aimlessly. Reach to the inner child in you, and look through your heart to find the answer to the question "Why you do what you do?"

You might find that the answer can be as simple as the single rose or the water in the middle of the desert.

What is happiness?

Is it when you finally get that toy from the claw machine after heaven knows how much time and money you have spent? Is it wearing a minion costume on Halloween because come on we know that minions are just hilarious creature that we wish could be real. Or is it when you crack up puns after puns with your friends? Although, that is really "pun-ny", so no arguments there.

"What is happiness" is an eternal question that everyone tries to interpret. But is there a definite answer to this? We often try to come up with a significant, over-the-top answer that would blow the minds of whoever would hear it, and that's alright because you are probably on your own journey to finding out what happiness means to you as well.

In Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics, he presents a theory of happiness. According to him, happiness is a final end or goal that defines the totality of one's life. Happiness for him is always an end to whatever pleasure people seek.

In the modern society that offers a myriad of distractions, true happiness has become even more complicated to define. However, when we get past all the confusion brought on by our fast-paced-digitally-trend-ruled life, perhaps the answer is right before our eyes.

In his PERMA (Positive emotions, Engagement, (positive)Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment) model, psychologist Martin Seligman says that there are three types of happiness: Pleasant Life, an Engaged Life, and a Meaningful Life.

Pleasant Life means that people can find happiness doing simple activities frequently and consistently that give them pleasure such as eating your favorite food without counting the calories, quietly drinking coffee at a coffee shop or your home, reading a book, cooking, or binge watching your favorite TV series or movies.

On the other hand, Engaged Life refers to strengthening your virtues and strengths. This is about engaging in things that help you build your character as a human being. For example, you can find happiness when you are engaged in activities such as learning new things or mastering your skills at something.

Finally, Meaningful Life is pursuing things that give your life meaning and purpose. This is the time when you use your virtues and strengths to a bigger cause. It is an opportunity to contribute into something that is bigger than yourself, and use your cultivated talent and skills to make a positive difference in your community, or the world. Perhaps, leading a meaningful life and finding happiness in it can answer Aristotle's query "What is the ultimate purpose of human existence?"

You see, people could define happiness however they want. There is no definite answer to the question "What is happiness?" Whether happiness is simple or grand does not matter because it differs from one individual to another. It's not how great your definition is, but how incredible your feeling is because when you are truly, indescribably happy, you know it and that should be enough.

The bottom line is, happiness is not contained in words and from the definition of other people. You create your own happiness because you are the one who feels it.

Here's a thought to leave you with from one of the greatest thinkers who ever lived - Aristotle.

are we going to regret the things we didn't do?