Anjirose

The first time I heard your name reminded me of all the Sebastians I've encountered, and read, and had a crush on from my favorite books.

The first time I've laid eyes on you reminded me of a warm feeling I've never felt my whole life.

The first time I've talked to you felt like I've found the person people call soulmate.

The sun went down. So did my mood, and everything else came crashing down. It felt like everything's bleak and cold and hopeless, but at the end of that dark, damp tunnel--your silhouette.

It gave me a tinge of hope. I approached you, then a few feet later, you turned. I couldn't see your smile, but I know you were smiling. I could feel.

You held your hand out, and waited. I was hesitant at first, but you weren't, so you stepped forward and took mine--my hand.

Warmth.

I won't say that it's okay because it's really not. I know it's hard to tell anyone about what we really feel because sometimes, even we--ourselves--don't understand why. It's hard to say anything even if they say they'll listen, and that they're open. But let's have the courage to do so. It's really hard because at some point, we'll have thoughts about ourselves that we're just burden to them, and all we ever think about is all the negative aspects about ourselves. It's really hard to look at the bright side, but trust me, all it takes is courage to move if you ever feel stuck.

Some people have killed themselves at some point. Some are bound to get lost only to find great things. Remember that quitting is the only sign of failure. If we don't quit, we won't ever fail, plus there's still room for improvement. We don't have to quit.

There may be so many things not worth living anymore, but notice all the people who love you. Who want you to stay. I know it's taking a toll on you. But try to look at these great things around you. You have real friends supporting your back. You're a treasure to them, okay?

Sometimes, having a lot of people in your life drains you. When you get to adulthood, trust me, all you ever will need is that handful. At this point, I suggest you focus on these people who really sees you as you are for they are the ones who deserve your time and effort. Invest in people who invest in you.

These toxic people who believe this definition of you, they definitely don't deserve to be part of your life. It's easy saying that since I don't know the whole story, but as long as you're breathing, living, chances for life improvements will keep on coming in your life. It probably wouldn't be much of a help telling you that you're not alone in this phase, but still. Their definition of you doesn't really define who you really are. You know who you are better than they do. They may judge you, use you, but you will never fall into their traps again, right? We're fighters. We'll fight them off if we have to.

Never in a heartbeat

would I ever regret

meeting you,

seeing you,

being with you,

choosing you

however obscure

it is

because you are

the greatest—

bestest gift

I've ever received.

We didn't have a single clue on what will happen. We sat there at the seaside, enjoying tranquility. Enjoying the view. The sun set like conflagration hugging the sea. Seagulls flew crying out peace and harmony. I turned to look at you only to see you were already looking, and I felt a spark--a flash of recognition as if I've seen you before.

Usual routine: wake up, stay in bed for 5-30 minutes, get on my feet.

Sometimes I get tired of it, but there’s nothing I can do but keep moving. Stopping gets anyone nowhere.

It’s a shame to start every day like that. My heart isn’t into anything and everything I do, and then I realize my heart has been missing. So I ponder. Recall the days I was excited--recall the days I feel to survive, not just plainly breathe. Quitting has always been an option, but I refuse to take that option. I will not be a failure in this life.

Your words, no matter how honest you've become, seem to be impervious to an overly confident person. You wanted to break him and let him know that this is what you really feel and that it's the truth but he doesn't yield; he persists being skeptic about the change you've laid out. He believes that you don't have the guts to do it, and nothing's more painful than be repudiated. It felt like a conspiracy against you. A ploy. A spark igniting rage within you.

"Because it's not a lie if it's how you feel." -All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven