you are such a sweet thing.

you guessed it! just finished up a tasty batch of broccoli cheddar in the instapot.

I spent an amazing weekend in Gatlinburg, TN with my best friend, experiencing my first cabin stay. Being removed from society felt incredible and I wished we had more time to spend there exploring.

This past week was pretty awful at work -- we’ve been so short staffed and have so many new hires that are inexperienced that the workload is difficult to accomplish.

Back to Gatlinburg, though. We rode the infamous Skylift and took a brave walk across the 650ft Skybridge that has see-through glass panels in the center.. talk about a total thrill seeking activity! The village of Gatlinburg was lit up and absolutely beautiful. I won’t forget it, that’s for sure. It’s an complete memory I will cherish forever. I’d love to share some photos, but it’s about a time to get a shower and head to bed.

so here we are again.. with me cooking in the instapot and some spare time.

today’s been fairly busy, but for the first time in a while, I feel a little bit more myself, and maybe a little bit more like my own person... which is a nice familiar feeling I’ve been desiring for a long time now.

relationships are hard. people are a challenge. but it’s up to you to be the person you want to be before introducing others in your life (in a permanent manner). surround yourself with those who bring the best out of you... because honestly, you’ll feel so much happier. and don’t sacrifice those opportunities because someone makes you uncomfortable to have friends, or uncomfortable to have time away from them.

I’m attempting to be rather vague in this, because you have to truly find out for yourself what it all means. I tell myself a lot that those relationships I’ve been in, haven’t been controlling, but sometimes they were micro flags I should have believed from the get-go.

I’ve been facing waves of emotions where I don’t know how to react, or feel, and it’s absolutely confusing. My timeline of emotion repeats over and over, and the longer the relationships go, the more I easily become irritated by small actions, reactions and habits I previously accepted. For days at a time it’s high heaven and other days it’s absolute loathing of my person. 

Communication has always been a difficult dynamic for me, and it’s absolutely torn me away from people. I have no idea how to conquer these barriers, because I find that putting on a face publicly and suffering alone is much more comfortable. Even when my person sees through that, when they ask me to express myself, I still lock up -- incapable of speaking my feelings for fear of hurting their feelings, or fear that their reactions will go just as I expected; sometimes I’ll even feel overwhelmed as though it’s a personal attack that I NEVER say how I feel. What do you even do at that point? I get that it’s pretty deceiving to conceal feelings from a loved one in order to protect them, but it’s the only way I’ve ever known, and I’ve never met someone where I’ve felt strong enough to share EVERYTHING with that can take all of it in without speaking their own experience. I care, I do, I want to hear about their stories too, but not when I’m pouring myself out on the floor.

Why do people always feel like they need to say something about their experiences to one-up another? Maybe that’s not always the case, but how do I steer away from feeling that way? I like to think I’m a rather understanding person, but.. guh.

I think it may be time for me to start writing again when I find that I have the opportunity.. but I find that I’m quite busy these days with how long my days are working, keeping up with the house, and travel.

I wished I could keep up with a dairy again, but it proves difficult! 

Often times, I can’t even answer a simple text from someone, just because I’m unmotivated to do so from exhaustion... I feel pretty guilty about it. It’s not that I don’t care about that individual, it’s just that I end up being wiped! The only reason I have time to compose at this moment is because I have some chili going in my instapot! Sounds delicious with this 40 degree weather, given that I just returned from a vacation in California.

>:3

2017 left me in a difficult spot - jobless, in a state I didn’t care for, confidence broken, and in doubt about any time I spent learning about Aviation.

Enter 2018 - I began working at AndyMark Inc.. finding myself back in the robotics world with more organization, confidence and motivation than I could have imagined putting forth into what I had hoped would be my next aviation job after getting dumped from GE.

There isn’t a day I don’t look back at what mistakes I’ve made, but realize that what I learned from GE trickled into how I do my work at AndyMark on a daily basis. This new position as an ARTI Assembly Technician has brought light to all that I worked towards learning at GE - I’ve made the best so far with what skills I’ve taken away from loss, and implemented them into a place where it has been desperately needed, and for that, I seriously credit myself.

Today marks an awesome milestone by which AndyMark has shipped ARTI II - the second prototype stair climbing robot that we have gritted teeth over. I couldn’t believe that design process was unfolding right before my eyes, and that I was a part of it too. It was one part that I did, helping ARTI I get out the door - but for ARTI II to finally make it as well? I’m ecstatic and eager.

I have several of my own developments I’ve accounted myself for, and I can’t wait to see it through because it’s going to become a building block for our production team at AM.

--

As I quickly approach my two month mark there, I already see what kind of impact I make on the staff, and it speaks for itself what kind of character I continue to grow as! What I thought was lost in my high school years as a hyperactive, inspirational and intelligent individual has definitely outgrown the years of “too serious” jobs I’ve had.. and for that, I’m grateful.

With AM being such a large family, the first time I ever brought in goodies, I should have known that much like robotics, food is gone in a matter of minutes. For my first breakfast treat ever, I brought biscuits and gravy, and boy.. did that SERIOUSLY rock the house.

What topped that, was today, when I brought in donuts. Biscuits and gravy morning, I ran around exclaiming that there were such. For this donut Friday, I picked up a telephone and PA’d in a peppy voice: “Good morning AndyMark! Happy Friday! There are donuts in the breakroom!”

If ever..there is a time when you visit AndyMark, and such an event happens, you will witness a stampede of gluttonous, warm hearted, amazing people that make science happen.

--

So we’re finally winding down, I feel like I’m able to sleep and not stress about ARTI - cheers!

A strawberry mule. Time to celebrate some many many delayed celebrations.

today I got pulled over during a lengthy one hour commute.

I didn’t see the officer for TWO miles, because I had half my back windshield scraped, and I had just returned back to town on very few hours of rest from the day before.

when I finally pulled over, he was absolutely furious.

“Did you not SEE me? I’ve been following you for about TWO MILES.”

“I’m sorry, sir.. I’m very tired, and I’m on my way to an interview..” 

“THEN YOU SHOULDN’T BE ON THE ROAD.”

But to make matters worse, I then hand him my license and EXPIRED registration, and I could tell he about lost his mind. He took a few steps back and I burst into tears. 

(Officer) “You were doing 45 [mph] in a 30, and 70 [mph] in a 55. And if I’m not mistaken, THIS IS EXPIRED.”

In my emotional distress I choked out, “I haven’t been able to afford it, but I just got Christmas money and can renew it today.”

“You realize I can’t let you drive this car??? YOU’RE KILLING ME KID.”

He takes my documents and stomps to his truck. After what seemed like a train pass at a crossing he finally exits and comes returns to my window - my make up an absolute mess and papers everywhere from searching for my registration. By this point, I’m hysterically crying, my heart completely sunk in my set panic, knowing I would never make it to my interview at this point.

“You say you’re heading to an interview?”

I nod.

“Where are you interviewing at?”

“I’m going to Kokomo to interview at Andy Mark.” I stutter, choking on each word.

“What is that?”

“A robotics... robotics company.”

“Why are you out here?” Puzzled I look at him. “Why, why are you in Indiana?”

“I came for a job... that I just got let go from.” He sighs heavily and places a hand on my window.

“Well... since it is TWO days after Christmas, I’m going to give you a gift.” I burst into greater tears. “You’re going to get a WARNING. Do you know where [county name] is? You just passed it. You need to bring PROOF to this office that you fixed your registration.” I continue to erratically shake my head in understanding as I read the warning citation over, noting his name.

“Now, look at me,” he says, in a much calmer tone. “Look, it’s going to be okay. Do you have a kleenex?” I shake my head no. He goes to his truck and returns with some take-out napkins. “Clean up and fix your make up before you go to your interview. It sounds like a very cool job. You’re going to be fine. It’s going to work out.” I try to pace my breaths more and gather composure, dabbing my eyes.

“Oh shit.” I blurt, looking at the smeared eyeliner all over the napkin. I laugh under my breath.

“Now, make sure you get your plates fixed - the next guy will tow you. Get to your interview, and be careful. And if it doesn’t work out - you’re going to be fine. By Friday, bring me proof you fixed your plates; otherwise, I will issue a ticket to you. If you can’t find anything, then maybe we can help you find something.”

I thank him and sit back in my seat, waiting for him to walk away so I can call Andy Mark.

tl;dr -- keep your car shit up to date. wipe your car down completely, no matter how late you’re going to be. it’s not worth your life, someone elses, or a highway chase from an officer. remember not all cops are bad, and ask for help. it’s there.

Perplexed.

How could I possibly feel this way already?

Be still, my heart. Be still.

The flicker of this tiny ember will grow in time if granted the proper steady time.

Consider this,

Although extinguished before, recall the fleeting throb of warmth that brought you back to happiness.

If you are patient enough -

Fickle heart..

The paranoia in my head tells me that my abusive ex probably was who asked though.

Sometimes this blog is like a void where I wished I’d never existed because of what I’ve experienced and because I’ve put so much feeling into this place, years ago.

He’d gone so far as to invade my personal accounts and block (insert name here) s blog. And so that explained why I never saw their posts again. Until I finally found out that that’s what had happened.

But I’ve blocked him now, so hopefully that helps.

I still feel so guilty about how selfish I was then. And I certainly lost a lot of friends over all of it because all I wanted was better love.

c.