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Oooh lord. Met a reaaaal cute guy, and we spent all night yapping and whatnot. He started introducing me as his gf (all in good fun, I was doing the same) but Man imma be sad if I never see him again. He was so freaking sweet, and he’s also got my belt lol. Hopefully that’s a sign I need to find my way back to him… but he hops trains so idk how likely it is ugh

Ive been super fucking sick for weeeeks. Finally am getting over it and I’m so grateful to be normal-ish that I’m serenading ducks to 2000s top hits in Asheville and making tiktok music videos with my sis at 2am. Needless to say, I’m happy to be healthy and alive. Being sick was super rough and I honestly woulda been fine with dying if it didn’t go away. I mean I went 2 WEEKS without eating anything, just straight Powerade, water, and trying not to throw that up. It’s really made me realize how much I complain over small things. Bc I’d rather complain over bs than literally STARVE bc I can’t stomach food. I lost 20lbs in those two weeks and I’m very happy to say I’ve already gained 9lbs of that over the last week.

And if I’m to die tomorrow, just know I loved you, know I don’t mean what I say. The anger can blind me and make me say stupid things. That’s why I apologize so much. That’s why it makes it hard to be here.

But I’d rather be working for a paycheck, than waiting to win the lottery

The doctors and psychiatrists call my disorder a mental disease. I’m told it will affect me for the rest of my life without medication to put it in remission. But I almost see it as a superpower. Maybe not one anyone would willingly want, and definitely not something many could handle. I feel too much, I empathize too much, I love as deeply as I hate, and then that hate can turn into love in five seconds. It’s intense, it’s hard to control what I say and how I say it, most things are black and white and it’s hard for me to find the grey aka “middle”. But it’s not something that I can’t live with. Yes, the deeper I feel the more I can hurt. But the deeper I feel the more I can be happy and euphoric. I guess this is kind of contradicting because half the time I’m ready to end whatever life I have here, but the other half I’m thinking of what I have lost, who and what they’ve missed since then…. My siblings, my family, the main reason I’m still breathing, and I feel grateful. I have loved and been loved, I have seen and been seen, not everyone has such an amazing support system. Bc as much as I want to do irrational things to end the sadness, I’m too stuck on how I felt when gabi left. How much I’d never want someone to feel that way because of me. Thinking about how lost I would be if I lost anyone else, family/siblings and my best friends, I just.. see what it can cause, and I’d never want to add to that or be a victim of it again. Idk. I’m just really emotional rn and love my people.

I wanna go on a date with this guy but I’m so unhealed from everything I’ve been thru and don’t want to lead him on. But he’s so sweet and adorable and I know it would be worth it to give it a shot. I’m just so fucking scared of being vulnerable and being judged when that eventually shows through. Ugh. I feel like I’m not living anymore, like the anxiety of it all is too much so I’d rather just not. It sucks. Hopefully I make it out of this funk soon.

Idk I’m really starting to understand how short this life on earth really is. In the blink of an eye someone you love, or you, could be gone. And I just have this dreaded feeling like I’m going to be one of those leaving soon. I don’t know if it’s just anxiety or some kind of premonition… I just feel like my time has been served here and I’m ready for whatever else is to come. It’s a shitty feeling.

Omfggg my boss just let me know we may be booked for Savannah bananas and I’m no sports girl but I’ve been obsessed with them forever 😂 crossing my fingers this happens, bc I’ve been wanting tickets to see em so bad but they are not easy to get unless ur in the lottery soo shieeet, get paid and get to watch a fun game?? Please!!!🙏

At an event today. Tell me why tf they booked me from 10-11 and it’s almost 11 and I’ve sold ONE SINGLE KONA. like I really hope they aren’t expecting me to just stick around while they figure they shit out bc… nope. I’ll say I gotta another event if I have to, but I ain’t just hanging out while these kids sing songs and watch movies tf.

Ohhh mygod, since I’ve started this background acting career I’ve had so many amazing opportunities! But the one thing I’ve alwaayyys wanted was to be in a music video! And now bc of my dear friend Whitney, I get to experience that! Genuinely am sooo excited. I have a few movies booked this month/next month, but a music video is gonna be sooo lit!

Funny thinking the last time I saw my ex was him buying tree off me and I charged him double the price. After everything he put me thru, it was well deserved and I only regret not charging him more tbh.

Ugh he wants to send me money to get my toes and nails done. Ima flip bro. We connected in the past at one point but idk I wasn’t fully feeling it. But tonight? I was sooo close to canceling bc I was so nervous. Fucking thank the lord I didn’t. He’s truly such a sweet guy and idk… he’s like really hot so that helps but really it’s just the way we click. I haven’t felt that with someone so easily in a while and it’s just kinda crazy to me idk ugh I’m so happy rn

Sometimes I think abt the time I made a satire tumblr post abt getting the moon phases tatted on my back (I would never) and it hit the target audience so hard she made a whole ass post on insta abt it 🥲

So I’ve been having some hard times lately… my dad just sent me some money to help me out and I broke down. I HATE asking for financial help, I hate it even being brought up. When I tell you I SOBBED when I saw what he sent me. Like, how am I so fucking lucky to have someone like him as my dad? Not even that but my fam; they’ve all helped me so much during this time and I’m just forever grateful. Idk I just really really love my family and idk what I’d do without them.