Life's short, talk fast!

I don't have many friends. I have, or I thought I had, two friends who I've known for like 16 years and who I would stay with me through thick and thin.

I have a few concert buddies who I know will spent and travel an entire tour with me. We're close as long as the tour goes and then we keep in touch until the next event, just not as closely.

I have a few colleagues I like and definetely would also do things with as a team event.

But there's no one I'd dare to consider my best friend. They all have better friends. I don't get invited to weddings, big birthdays or barbecues. And I've come to terms with it, that's fine. I do my own thing.

But one of my oldest friends...

Backstory real quick: she got married in 2020, had her kid in 2022. But they've always been this fiery, strong-headed couple whose fights would be big. When they got married, they claimed "we're only doing this as long as this works" and when their son was a couple months old, my friend told me "I'd love to have a second kid one day, but with another man".

Cut to October/November 2025...they agree to split up. No big surprise to anyone. But their fights keep being big, she still lived with him but would often stay with her parents. By DECEMBER, she had met someone and he became her secret new boyfriend.

And that's fine, really. But obviously the split wasn't that hard on her.

So for the next few months (and my dad started being sick more often in January - we couldn't leave him alone anymore and he stayed at the hospital more than at home), I supported her. I went to dinner with her in January. We'd sent voice messages all the time (thats our usual way of communicating). When she was searching for her own apartment, I helped her search and sent her apartments that fit her criteria. She eventually chose an apartment she had found and I was so glad she'd be back in town come May.

I was her alibi when she wanted to meet up with her new boyfriend and not tell her still-husband. She'd come over for half an hour, we'd talk, contact her husband and then She'd leave to be with her boyfriend.

And then my dad had that stroke in April.

And I'd sent her daily updates via voice message. And after a few days I realised that she never answered to any of my questions in her replies. She'd basically go "Oh god that's so horrible. I hope you stay strong, I cant imagine what you're going through. Call me if you need me." and then proceeded to update me on her situation.

And thats fine. I always answered. But I was with my family 24/7. My replies came at night on my walk home or early in the morning on my walk to work. And I never call people. In our 16 years of friendship, I have never just called to talk.

I'd give her time frames I'd be free. I'd tell her to just give me a day and we could just hang out with a pizza at my place and cry together about our lives. She never replied to any of that.

Then one day she suggested we have lunch together as she's currently "sick" at home. I agreed, cause she's my friend and I didnt want to start anything.

Anyway, she picked me up and proceeded to leave me alone to order food at the place. She was talking to her new boyfriend on the phone. She was still talking when I came out with our order. And once in her car, she connected her phone with her headphones so she could continue the call. We ate real quick at her new/empty apartment and talked a little but there wasnt much time left. And then she wondered whether she has to drive me back to work now (??? Yes. You picked me up. I exceeded my lunch break while you talked to your boyfriend for 20 minutes. How else am I gonna get back to work?)

She was gonna move back to town soon and I told her I couldn't really give her much of my time to help moving at the moment but I'd happily clean her windows and she can come to my work without an appointment to register back in town.

She kept making an issue of the registration, claiming we're doing it wrong (we're not. And even if we were, there would be zero negative aspect for her personally). I was barely at work, I was barely at home. My dad had been sent to another state and we kept driving back and forth.

And I just got tired of talking to her.

My questions were left unanswered. I always got the same sort of replies. And it dawned on me that she didnt listen to them.

We had plans for the end of May. All the way since January. And in my messages I kept telling her unless something happened THAT DAY, our plans are still on and I was looking forward to it - getting my mind off things. She never said anything about it.

And then my dad passed away Mid-May. It took me a few days to tell people...cause that would make it real.

Told my friend. Got a sweet reply that she remembers my dad fondly and that she's sorry. I could call if I wanted to.

Okay, there's really not much else to say. But still. Im not a caller. I prefer meeting up over calling. So it stayed with voice messages...also how would she have time for my calls if she obviously can't find the time to listen to my messages?

Kept telling her we could meet up for pizza and a good cry, she could bring her kid if needed. Kept telling her our May plans are still on.

No comment on either of those things. Three days before the plans were supposed to be, I finally sent her a message only asking her about the plans and how we were gonna do it.

Turns out. She can't come. Theyre putting up her kitchen that day and thats why she can't come to our 8pm plans. Okay? Weird timeline to begin with and could've been planned on another day but sure I'll act like I believe you. And then she said she had already talked to a friend of hers and she wants to see the play too, she'd fill in for her.

First of all...I have met said friend only once and second of all...why did she have time to find someone to fill in for her but she had zero time to talk to me about it? Plus, my friend hadn't even paid her ticket yet. So she had no claim to it anyway. I told her I'll find someone else.

I went with my sisters best friend instead. But all other plans...the dinner and the club, I cancelled and went to bed early that day.

And I was so disappointed and mad because I really needed that break with a good friend...I didn't really message her anymore after that. I had bigger problems in my life.

Eventually her registration was a topic again and I initially told her to come by, I'd do it even though I wasnt in that shift that week. But then she started the entire "you're doing it wrong" discussion again. Literally nothing negative comes from our "wrong" system that isn't wrong. Anyway, she annoyed me so much that I told her to get in line cause I was too busy after all and couldn't get her in. Then I hid in our back office until I was sure she was gone.

For my dad's funeral there came nothing from her. No message. No card. No call. Nothing.

Last time I texted her was June 12th. No reply after that anymore. Just a random text the other day warning me that a certain person is working at our local pub again.

And that's the entire thing...and still I feel like maybe I have no right to be angry and disappointed. She separated from her husband after all. But at the same time, she puts her new boyfriend before me, didn't listen to my messages and didn't check in wanting an actual answer. And if you ever need a friend to be there for you, it's definetely the loss of a parent. And she wasnt there for me - at all, at any time. I was close with my dad. I am basically my dad in female. There's no time I will ever need her this much ever again. If I can't count on her in this situation...how can I trust her to be there for me for other things?

This one really dragged out with a few holidays in between and the fact that he passed away in another state.

And I'm not gonna lie to you, I've been in absolute denial. There were many many tears. There still are many tears when something reminds you of him, you have something you really want to tell him, you cook something he would've liked or you're in the mood for a meal he used to make.

But the brain is stupid. It can be tricked so easily. Once all the arrangements were pretty much set up, all the paperwork was filed, and we had to somehow do life again, it was so easy to pretend he was just at the hospital or just not there at the moment. Of course I knew. I'm barely at home unless it's for sleeping because I'm afraid of being alone. But sometimes it was easy to pretend. There was no funeral yet, so there wasn't a final definite cut yet, right? No final goodbye.

Well. The funeral is around the corner. I'm obviously awake at 2am and alone at home, and suddenly it's hit me hard again.

June was my concert month and my dad 100% supported my expensive and kind of crazy concert hobby. He'd always call me whether I was going by train or by car. Asking what route I took, how long it took, if I got there okay. And wished me fun. If I took too long to call him, he'd call and check why I hadn't called yet...was the train delayed (usually!), was there a traffic jam on my way, was the car okay, did I just forget cause I was in a hurry?

I've had 6 concerts so far this month, and everytime I cried a little when I realised there would not be a call coming in. No one checking in on me.

I'm so so much like my dad and it just becomes clearer now that he's missing.

Not just the cooking and driving, the jokes...our humor was the exact same...whenever I make a joke that my mom and sister don't laugh about, I miss sharing a laugh with him. I miss the stupid calls too. When he'd call me just to give me a random piece of information. Sometimes even at work and I'd call him back worriedly...only for him to tell me to bring a newspaper on my way to their place in the afternoon or just to check if I was really going to the store today. When he was at the hospital, he called me at 1am cause he accidentally turned on the flash of his phone and didn't know how to turn it off 😂 I miss that so much. My mom never really calls, she's usually the one to get the call.

I have my family, I know. But I'm putting all my energy into taking care of my mom at the moment because she's on crutches with a really bad knee she probably needs surgery for. I cook for her, I clean for her. And I do that for her, no question. But also for me. Cause if I'm not at her place taking care of her, I'm at my place all alone. Alone with my thoughts. And I don't really have anyone check in on me. I'm too afraid to get lost in my depression again.

The one friend I thought I could rely on was the biggest disappointment of all. Cancelled our entire weekend plans short notice for something minor like it was no big deal. Even though I repeatedly sent her voice messages telling her how excited I am and asking if the plans still stand - she never listened to the messages. Other friends live too far away and can only help with occasional messages. And tbh that scares the shit out of me. My mom and I love each other but I never realised how much my dad made sure to check in on me. Like when he'd call me to ask if I got somewhere safe whereas my mom would just go "you didnt text you got there last night" when I'd call her the next day or realise late that I hadn't messaged her. It feels very lonely to know you're not high enough on anyone's list for them to come check in on you.

I lost my aunt when I was 9. My great-grandma died on my 10th birthday. I lost all 4 of my grandparents at 16, 19, 21 and 29.

I've dealt with it all. My aunt had cancer and was only 45. My grandparents varied from "they were fine one day and gone the next" to "they were in hospice care to help them".

But my dad. Losing my dad at 31. With him getting so much better one day and then suddenly heading to the hospital, not being conscious for an entire month and us having to put a stop on his treatment because there was no hope anymore...that hits differently and so much harder.

All my grandparents were a big part of my everyday life.

When my grandma died 2 years ago, I had trouble going to certain places because I went there with her all the time, because she and I were alone and I'd have lunch with her every now and then. They were nice with her but they lost their touch without her and I don't do them often anymore.

But with my dad my brain can't seem to function anymore.

Like I'm in total disbelief that his favourite meal continues to exist but I will never get it or make it for him again. That weird supper he made me when I was a kid, that everyone thought was weird but he still occasionally made me - only him - no one will ever make that for me again. He used to call me when there was something on tv he knew I would also enjoy and probably sidnt check for. The nickname only he gave me, will never be shouted through the apartment ever again. The money he'd secretly hand to me when mom wasnt looking cause I was always driving for them. The way he still tried to plan meals for the weekend that made me come over and eat with them. The way our personalities were so much alike that he understood where I was coming from 90% of the time when my mom was oblivious wanting peace with everyone...

My dad had two strokes back in April. Out nowhere. We talked on the phone a few hours before his big 2nd stroke. I had my mom take my cooking to the hospital for him. He ate and loved it. She stayed until 6pm when he suffered a severe 2nd stroke while saying goodbye.

That stroke was so bad his body failed entirely and they had to perform cpr for several minutes to get him back. They had to put him in a coma.

The next day they told us there's a chance his body will just fail being awoken and we should all come in.

I was at work. I completely broke down. Cause the week prior he had just begun feeling better, eating well, cooking, taking tiny walks with my mom.

Anyway. He never completely woke up. He was intubated, fed through a tube and eventually had to get an artificial trachea which broke our hearts.

In hopes of him getting better, they sent him to a rehabilitation facility...3 hours away from home.

There were barely available hotels, the drive was horrendous and expensive because it was impossible to use public transport to get there because those facilities are usually in small cities.

There were minor improvements...they were impressed he even got that far. He could breathe on his own for a few hours a day. He had opened his eyes and looked at us but we couldn't tell if he did it consciously. He'd squeeze our hands. Two weeks ago he even nodded/shook his head at some things I asked him. He even lifted his feet when I told him to...we were hopeful he'd at least be able to communicate by head shaking or hands with us eventually. We couldn't be there as often as we would've liked. But even a one night stay at a hotel close by was 70€ not including the gas and food.

But then things didn't improve anymore.

Then he caught severe pneumonia. Because of his incredibly weak lung and his collapsed immune system, his body wasn't strong enough to fight it even with the strongest medication.

While he was in the hospital, we had found his living will...he didn't want to fight like this. And we respected that, told the doctors that any big medical treatments were not to be performed on him from then on. Sadly that counted in his severe pneumonia.

So they called us. They'd keep the treatment up for as long as we'd take to get there...but if they stopped the treatment, he would be gone.

So my mom and my 3 sisters and I drove 3 hours to talk to my dad for an hour. Telling him he was the best dad. Then we allowed to doctors to stop treatment, ease him out and give him something to not make it painful for him.

Within 20 minutes and surrounded by all of us, my dad has passed away.

That was two days ago. Today is father's day. And nothing feels real.

We're all exhausted, burnt out, devastated.

We saw this coming lately, but at the same time it came unexpected. We didn't want his fight and our fight to end like that.

Now he's unconscious in the intensive care unit after we thought things were going up these days.

Last similar one I know would have to be Mother's Day, and that's been like 10 years ago.

Why did these movies stop? There are definitely more random holidays to cover.