the hills

GAV: You must tell me how you've ended up with a whole new number, but first you'll need to explain why you'd ever even pretend to think Nickelback is the greatest band of all time.

GAV: Real greatest band of all time in your next response or our friendship is over.

ANDREW: Smash Mouth is the greatest band of all time.

DECLAN: Probably. That's a good idea. You're smart.

DECLAN: He knows about... everything. So that's good, at least. It just makes me nervous. Because it's one thing to /know/, and another thing to /see/, you know?

DECLAN: Thanks! I think so too. Even if I still get nervous around him. It's getting better, though.

DECLAN: How soon is too soon to ask someone to be your boyfriend?

ANDREW: On occasion I am. Please remember this for the next time I inevitably do something Dumb.

ANDREW: He knows? So that's good. He knows what he's in for, and you know what you're in for with him. Just take it slow. Hell, you can start off with just hands and work your way up.

ANDREW: I don't know, I've never had a boyfriend.

ANDREW: I mean, sure, there was that one time after Cora and I had broken up, but that wasn't really

DECLAN: I'm kind of terrified because he's gay and I don't have a dick.

DECLAN: Should I buy a strap on?

DECLAN: He's really cute and really sweet and I really like kissing him.

ANDREW: You should talk to him before anything.

ANDREW: Like seriously, don't just jump into it and surprise him one day with nothing a strap on on your body.

ANDREW: I just saw the pic you posted on Instagram, oh my god

DECLAN: I mean. Maybe?

DECLAN: No.

DECLAN: I don't know.

DECLAN: I feel too old to still be a virgin.

DECLAN: Am I lame?

DECLAN: I feel lame.

ANDREW: No, you're not lame, dude.

ANDREW: If you want it, go for it.

ANDREW: If you want him, then do it.

ANDREW: But if you don't or you don't know, is that really the guy you want to lost your virginity to?

DECLAN: I'm pretty sure he already wants to.

DECLAN: He hits on me like he does. He talks like he does.

DECLAN: Should I even attempt it? I mean, I like him. And I don't want him to peace out because I won't -- you know, put out.

DECLAN: Am I overthinking this?

DECLAN: I should just go for it, right?

ANDREW: Do /you/ want to?

ANDREW: Who cares if he does? If he likes you, he'd wait whenever you're comfortable to have sex, but if you want to, then that's different.

ANDREW: Don't jump into anything and then regret it later.

DECLAN: How do you have sex?

DECLAN: That came out wrong.

DECLAN: I know how to have sex, I've taken sex ed and I've watched porn.

DECLAN: But

DECLAN: HOW???

ANDREW: I mean, porn isn't exactly the way sex goes. The mechanics are all the same, but -- it's better than porn with the right person.

ANDREW: Oh, God, I sound like my mom.

ANDREW: You can just ask someone straight-up, "Wanna have sex?" But in a hotter way, I'd hope.

DECLAN: There's this guy.

DECLAN: He's cute.

DECLAN: And he makes me smile.

DECLAN: And it's just really nice.

ANDREW: What's his name? What are his intentions with you??

ANDREW: But also

Being in Andrew’s arms created a sense of safety and warmth in Cora’s heart. No matter what was going on in her life, he was always the one that kept her grounded and sane. He was the one who was able to put a smile on her face when all she wanted to do was frown, he was the one who lifted her heavy heart and made the burden of all she had to carry that much lighter. Andrew was – he was perfect for Cora in each in every way. In the way that he looked at her when she was acting goofy or being sad. In the way his eyes lit up when she smiled at him. In the way that, even if he couldn’t always find the right words to say sometimes, his presence and his heart could always reach through the shadow of the veil that hung over Cora’s mind on occasion. So of course he was the one she ran to in her time of need. Of course he was the one who made her feel if only slightly better already just by holding her. He was her angel. He picked her up when she was down and graced her with his light.

Reaching up a hand to rest on top of one of Andrew’s, Cora felt the damn break. She had been attempting to stay strong, had been attempting to stop from completely crumbling. But the safety that she found in Andrew, the comfort and the solace – she knew there was no judgement, that he would care for her even if she wasn’t always the strong woman that she pretended she always was. She felt like she could unload all her troubles on him and he would gladly take on the darkness of her sadness with willing shoulders and a loving heart. There was no wonder in why she suddenly wrapped her arms around him again, burying her face in his chest as quiet sobs wracked her body. She could break, but she couldn’t be loud – even in her distress and suffering, she knew her daughter was sleeping peacefully and refused to wake the child. What would Ana think if she walked into the living room to find Mommy in tears? Nothing good, Cora was sure.

“Everything’s wrong,” Cora managed to get out, clutching onto Andrew’s shirt like it was her only lifeline, the only thing keeping her afloat. “I can’t – I don’t know what to do, Andrew. I don’t know how to – how to do it all. I don’t know how to handle these things.” She pulled away from Andrew, her shoulders still shaking slightly as she turned her back to him, once again wrapping her arms around herself. Andrew was safe, and secure – but Cora didn’t like seeming weak. She didn’t like showing vulnerabilities. Crying to him was one thing, but admitting what was going on in her head? That was completely different, and she felt better when she didn’t have to look into his eyes as she spouted off about her insecurities and complications.

“My second year just started and – and it’s hard. And I knew it would be, I did. I – I knew it would be so hard, and that it’ll only get harder. But how am I supposed to be a great student, a great friend, a great mother, and a great girlfriend all at the same time? While trying to move? I’m not – I’m not Wonder Woman, you know? I can’t – there’s not enough time in the day. I’m not smart enough, or fast enough, or patient enough or – or good enough. I’m not good enough. And Manny, he –” Cora closed her eyes tightly, sniffling once again. “He’s such a nice guy, Andrew. He is. He’s so sweet and so good with Ana and – and I’ve been afraid to tell you about him. But why? You’re Andrew and I’ve never kept secrets from you.”

She finally turned to her ex, the father of her child – and shrugged slightly, her eyes holding a look of defeat. “I was afraid to tell you because – because I realized something. Manny is the first person I’ve dated since you and – and I thought that was because I wanted to get through school first, you know? No distractions. But the more time I spend with him – he’s great, but he’s… he’s not you. Every single guy that’s – that’s shown me any kind of interest since high school, I always find a reason not to date them. Because of Ana, because of school, because of work – but they were all just excuses. The fact of the matter is, no one can hold a flame to you. And I’ve been afraid to tell you about Manny because – because I’m afraid that you’re not going to care and that – and that I don’t mean to you anymore what you have always meant to me. And I don’t – I don’t think I could take that. That, on top of everything else. I couldn’t take the heartbreak on top of all the stress I’m under. Manny is special, and wonderful but being with him has only made me realize that there is only one person in this world that I’m really, truly, honestly meant to be with and – and it’s not him. I don’t love him. I love – you. But how is that – how is that fair to him? I’ve used him, essentially. So not only am I stressed out and not good enough and apparently afraid of rejection, but I’m also a terrible person.” She let out a mirthless laugh, shaking her head, before covering her face with her hands. “I’m a mess.”

Very rarely had Cora allowed herself to be seen like this -- vulnerable and scared, every ounce of the confident girl with the world in the palm of her hand stripped away to reveal the one who was terrified of all that it entailed. Andrew let his hands fall, placing them onto her shoulders as he listened; no words were uttered on his behalf while she spoke, listening to everything, every thought swimming through her mind, tumbling all out and into the open. 

Manny?

The name was like a punch to the gut because of all the people in this town, he never thought he would have to worry about him -- but then again, what loyalty would he have to Andrew? He had always been Cora’s friend and not his, it became abundantly clear. For a moment, he saw red, his jaw clenching as he thought about just how long Manny had waited to make his move -- was it since he took her to their prom? Or even before that, waiting patiently until the perfect moment arose to swoop in to take Cora from him.

But then -- she wasn’t his, was she? 

Even now, as she listed every glittering attribute of the other man, he felt so small in comparison. It would explain why Ana had been speaking of her precious Uncle Manny so often. Why they had spent more time together. Why she had pulled away from him. It was because of Manny. Andrew had already lost her, and here he had been pathetically hoping that the day would come that she would turn to him and look at him with that very same look in her eyes -- the one she used to look at him with, the one that held not even the slightest hesitation -- and tell him she was ready to forgive him, ready to open her heart to him, ready to be more than whatever they were now, if they were anything at all. 

With his eyes downcast, his shoulders fell into a slump, a ball forming in the center of his throat. 

“But he’s... he’s not you.” 

His blue eyes snapped up to meet hers, searching for an answer, but she kept talking and talking, and -- God, his heart raced in his chest, almost sure that Cora could hear it from where she stood less than a handful of inches away from him. When she covered her face, his hands easily wrapped themselves around her small wrists to pull them away, reaching up to cup her face once more as he said, “Yeah, you are. You are definitely a mess, Cora St. James.”

Before he said another word, he leaned in, brushing his lips against hers before he pressed closer to her and kissed her sweetly, softly, but with the underlying hint of wanting more because he always wanted more -- he wanted all of Cora. Every good part of her that came right alongside every bad part; the peaks and valleys, the beautiful and the ugly. He wanted every piece of her just as he yearned for her to want every piece of him. 

Pulling away was no easy feat, but when he eventually could, with his cheeks slightly flushed, he said, “You’re my mess, Cora. And I’ve-- I’ve loved you since before I knew what love meant. I have never once stopped loving you. I don’t think I could, even if I wanted to. Even if it meant being in love with someone who didn’t want me back, I didn’t want anyone else but you. I still don’t. You’re my whole life -- you and Anastasia. I would wait for however long you needed me to if it meant that one day I could call you mine and you could call me yours and be proud of the man you chose to be by your side.”

“You don’t have to do it all by yourself. You have me, for however long you want me. Just... just let me help, Cora. I promise not to let you down again.”

While I appreciate you offering, that’s really a big deal, don’t you think? Me moving in, even if it’s only temporary. We’ve never done that before. But… I do have to admit that it might be nice to not have to worry about whose week it is for a little while because we’ll both have Ana. It would sure make co-parenting a little bit easier for the time being.

I’d have to talk to someone about it first, though. Make sure they’re okay with it. And talk to Jo and make sure she doesn’t attempt to murder you every time she’d come over to visit.

You think living under the same roof together is a big deal, but not raising a whole other person? I think I may need you to redefine what ‘big deal’ means to you. Think of the perks: no switching back and forth for a while, you have a roof over your head, don’t have to worry about rent, and you can see me every day. 

Talk to who exactly, if I may ask? And as for Jo, I’m not sure there’ll ever be a time she won’t want to murder me, not unless you and I get married and are three kids down the line from where we are now. Even then, she’d probably try to spike my food with something -- I wouldn’t put it past her. Don’t worry. Jo and I, we’ll be civil. I’m sure she doesn’t want you struggling to find a place either. 

Lil: My ex.

Lil: No fighting. Just my stupid brain making my stupid fingers send texts that I shouldn't be sending.

Lil: Not that she's replying. It's been months.

Lil: This is why I shouldn't be given an alcohol.

Lil: Or maybe it wasn't enough. I need to drink enough to forget how to use my phone.

Andrew: I think it's time I confiscate your phone.

Andrew: DON'T TRY TO FIGHT ME ON IT, LIL.

Andrew: It's for the best. I'll delete the number. Erase her number and erase her from your life.

Stuck, huh? Is that what you’d say to Andrew who works right alongside me? Does he know that all you think of him is as someone who’s “stuck” in the past, working as the football coach? Ouch, Cora. Super harsh, especially given he could’ve done so much more had you not shouldered him with the responsibility of a kid that might not even be his – rumor has it you were as big of a slut back then as you are now. Does he know that?

Enough. 

I’ve had enough from the both of you. Scarlett, just back off. And Cora, don’t even bother. You play right into her game every time. It’s getting old, whatever this is. 

Lil: Help.

Lil: I need you to delete a number off of my phone.

Lil: And maybe also from my memory?

Andrew: Whose do I have to delete?

Andrew: Why?

Andrew: Who do I have to fight?