Andrea_cereza

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

In one quick go, I scribble over what I've written in the little notebook.

_"No... no!"

I mutter to myself, reviewing the ideas once again in frustration.

I sigh. Is even any of this good? I know I can't predict every single possibility once we'll be there. There's absolutely no use in trying to prepare... but we're never too careful, right?

I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh again before leaning back on the chair. I can hear a faint, slightly off-sounding melody coming from behind the door, confirming Atom did not leave their post.

After the little break they gave me following the argument, I naively thought that they were gonna leave me alone to focus on how to get to their planet... The key word is "naively."

They, in fact, did not leave me alone. Worse than that; they became even clingier than before. EVEN worse than the first days with them! I can't even convince them not to watch me sleep anymore—as they now decided that such an activity brought them "important knowledge." I didn't even ask what knowledge. I should have, but I didn't want to, and I still don't.

It's weird really. I mean, now that I got the time to take a step back, I should be able to reflect on these emotions and entirely focus on the positive. I have this persisting thought that I should at least feel a bit... grateful toward Atom. Even just a bit. It's not logical, I know, but logic doesn't change anything about feelings. But, speaking of feelings... this "victory"... it feels... unsatisfying. Not in the "I didn't work enough for it." Oh, God, of course not!

I did get what I wanted, I did spend I don't know how much time in this forsaken ship. But it didn't go the way I wanted it to go. Atom didn't accept because they believed my act, they accepted because I showed them I was scared... They know I'm scared, of course they do! That's not new! But it feels different this time. It feels like they learned something I had managed to hide all this time here, and that doesn't sit right with me.

I scribble the nonsensical sentence my hand started to automatically write while I was drifting in my thoughts and, after a few seconds of trying to find another idea to write down that wouldn't be worth hiding behind thick lines, my face falls on my notebook in a groan. I tried planning escape plans to distract myself, doing the same activities I've been doing since I don't know how much time...! But I keep ending up overthinking, and that doesn't help at all. Instead, it makes activities that should calm me down stress me even more.

I suddenly push myself away from my desk and get up. Visibly, nothing in my room is of good help... maybe getting out would be a better idea. I start walking to the exit before stopping myself in front of my door, just far enough not to activate the automatic opening of the piece of metal. I can hear that behind the door, Atom stopped freddoning. Maybe they walked away?

I hope just to be met with their visor as soon as the door slides to the side.

_"Luna! Are you done writing? We can spend time together now?"

They ask in an excited tone, jumping on their boots.

I stay silent for a little while. Since the argument, I don't really know how to behave with them. I don't want to be scared, but I am. And it makes everything difficult.

_"I... have some things to do."

I answer carefully, walking around them in the corridor.

_"Oh! I will accompany you!"

They say, following me.

_"NO!.. no, I need to do those alone."

I raise my arm to push them lightly away, but stop before doing so.

_"Alone? What is it?"

_"Atom. You know what 'alone' means."

_"What things?"

They insist. Oh, now I'm the one feeling stupid. I can't really answer as if it wasn't obvious that I did not want to do anything with them. But being honest feels too risky.

_"Some... things."

I say vaguely,walking faster in a useless attempt to put some distance between us.

_"I'm trying to learn on Luna!"

I shake my head negatively at this answer.

_"You don't need to."

I nervously say.

_"I do! You will want to be forever with me once I know you enough!"

They answer, jumping in front of me while holding their own glove next to their helmet.

_"...sure... well, one thing you should learn fast is that I need some time alone."

_"But how can I learn things about Luna... if I'm not with you?"

_"I'm teaching you something right now!"

_"Heh... Luna doesn't know what I want to learn, do they?"

They giggle, and my face contracts in an angry expression.

_"Of course not! HOW am I supposed to figure that out?"

I say a bit louder than I wanted to. They freeze for half a second, and I slightly panic.

_"Sorry... I-"

_"You don't need to!"

They immediately answer.

_"I will learn everything for Luna, you don't need to do anything!"

I stay silent for a bit once again before turning my head away, angry at myself for even trying to understand them once again.

After a short walk that felt like one light-year, I stop in front of a metallic door labeled "Zen Zone."

The Zen Zone was before, the place where the crew was allowed to cultivate their own plants from mostly all planets. There were tons of different terrariums made to reproduce different climates, including Earthian ones, across the room. Inside, the light on the ceiling was a pleasing low-intensity light blue, making the hues coming from the different glass boxes look mythical.

I step inside, my gaze lasting a bit on each of the terrariums. I don't really know if the plants are... really still plants. Of course, when Atom arrived for the first time, they all died. Not that it made me sad. I only had one I took care of myself anyway. I was never much into plants; if I had any more, they surely would have died way before the parasite's arrival. But since I was stuck here, I took quite a liking to taking care of them. The question of whether it was Atom pretending to be them or real plants occurred to me many times, but there wasn't and still isn't any use in trying to find out the answer.

Talking about the wolf, behind me Atom started skipping instead of walking normally. I took a stop and turned in their direction, an eyebrow raised, but before letting any words out of my mouth, I stopped myself. No. No trying to understand them anymore. (Was this truly the best strategy?) I shake my head and walk to one of the terrariums. Inside, a bunch of synthetic grass, and in the middle, a forget-me-not.

I bring one of the rolling seats and sit down in front of it, my arms on the table the case was resting on.

More focused on ignoring Atom jumping on their boots behind me, soon enough annoyed, I pick a little notebook next to the glass. Inside, a bunch of notes, observations about the plant. It's truly fascinating, more than the flower itself, the way it seems so alien to me now. It doesn't seem more familiar than any of the other colorful plants in this room. Only a faint sadness tells me that I used to love them in a different way. Today, it's more of the only thing I can do without too much influence from the being curiously peeking over my shoulder.

I give a quick glance at their form. Letting the silence calm me enough to let questions fill my mind without overwhelming me. Atom frustrates me, infuriates me, in their way of always showing that I don't know anything about them when I was convinced I did. Looking back just at today, it feels like I gave up on reaching that point, but this only makes my chest feel heavier. Adapt. I need to count on this. Can't just throw away any occasion I'll get to know more... Even if I won't ever know them perfectly, to adapt I need to know what I have to adapt for. Know it as much as I can. These thoughts fill me with a new mix of emotions that I can only put as determination.

_"I love you!"

They suddenly exclaim out of nowhere. I jump on my seat, realizing I've been staring at them. I'm split between shame and surprise.

_"I... know."

I say, turning my head back to the forget-me-not.

_"You tell it... a lot."

I continue, and I can feel they want to hug me, but don't.

_"Never enough!"

They answer before sitting on the table shamelessly, slightly blocking the view of the terrarium with their arm. Annoyed, I look up at them.

_"Why do Luna spend so much time here?"

_"Where am I supposed to spend it?"

I was a bit cold once again, that's true. But getting tired of Atom's questions was pretty easy in the long run. Weirdly, they took some time to answer, while I was ready for a stupid "with me!" or something similar.

_"Luna didn't answer my question."

They add after a few seconds, slowly swinging their legs. Once again, I find myself getting nervous. Which is strange. They didn't do anything menacing, yet once again, that's not something they would have done before.

_"Well... I like plants."

I say in a bit of rush,nothing more logical popping up in my head.

_"Is it why you want to go to my planet? To see more plants?"

I'm slightly taken aback by this one. Not expecting them to talk about it so easily. And it isn't even because of the sudden change in their behavior; the subject just didn't seem like something they'd like to talk about, yet here they were.

_"I guess... yes."

_"That's AMAZING! Luna! You will see lots of things you like!"

The suit gets up on the table suddenly,making it shake a bit as they extend their arms in a grand gesture. At the same time, I jump back, gripping my notes and my chair, my eyes wide. Okay, yeah, that was new? Why were they so... energetic?

I slowly nod after a long silence. They crouch to get at my level, their helmet turned toward the flower.

_"Would you want to see more of this?"

They ask, looking at the fragile plant inside the see-through case. This time, my eyebrows raise by themselves as I slowly turn my head to look at the plant too. See more of this flower?

That's a good question.

Such a good question that, right now... I don't know how to answer it.

It's stupid, really. It's just a flower.

But...

Once again, I feel submerged by the feeling that I should say yes. I should be begging to see just once again anything from my past. But does my past really count anymore? Is it something I should leave behind?

This flower is in the present. The only memory this forget-me-not brings me is the time I spent taking care of it. The calm it brought me to have something more to do than just let Atom slowly consume me mentally. That's why I like it. But once again, it seems wrong to only see it as that, when since the very start this room was presented to us as a reminder of where we came from.

The only answer I can give Atom is a heavy sigh, and they tilt their helmet at that sound. I can feel their boiling curiosity, but if they ask, I know I won't have any answer more to give them than the ones I give myself.

_"Why are you asking?"

Answering a question with a question, a forgotten classic, I must say.

_"Why? For m-"

They stop for half a second, and I raise an eyebrow.

_"-MYSELF! Yes! I told Luna I needed to learn from now on!"

They finish, but it's never been more obvious that they meant something else. Okay. The more today passes, the more Atom seems... weird.

_"You did."

I answer.

And the silence takes back its throne, but this time it feels... uneasy. I don't feel like talking to them, but neither do I feel like focusing on the flower or on my notes. The "what's wrong with them" thought just echoes over and over again, like it doesn't have anywhere else to go but stay in my head.

Of course, the unusual part is that Atom doesn't talk either. I'm not surprised in the way I would be if it was the first weird thing that happened today. If I could even call anything "weird" at this point. But it doesn't change the fact that it's throwing me off. I stop myself from overthinking it. Instead, I make a mental note. Maybe it's something that will happen frequently from now on?

The Zen Zone, despite the low lights that haven't changed, the calming sound of the aeration that hasn't stopped, now feels like anything but a place I can relax in. And Atom's form, staring at me without moving a single bit, is not helping. I would even prefer them yapping than this.

At some point,I grow tired of the tension and push my chair back to get up,Atom doesn't say anything. Even weirder. I walk toward the exit but to my surprise,they doesn't followe me,in fact they didn't even budge since I got up. Their helmet still in the direction of where I was sat. I hesitate. Should I call them?

Swvvvsh

I jump slightly as the automatic door open in front of me, the empty corridor filling my vision,tempting me like a forbidden fruit. After the last few days where they've been constantly on my tail. It would be nice to take some time for me. Some real time for me,not to think. Just to breath.

My head turn back in the suits direction. It's still has'nt moved. I should wonder why,be alarmed. But the primary impression feeling me is the fact that this is an opportunity I should'nt miss. Even if they are gonna get up as soon as I leave the room,I want to have tried.

swwhkunk!

The door close behind me. For around 10 seconds,I hold my breath. Waiting for any kind of sounds coming from inside the room.

The door close behind me. For around 10 seconds,I hold my breath. Waiting for any kind of sounds coming from inside the room.

Nothing?

_"WOAH ?!"

I exclaim as the ship suddently shaked violently, almost making me loose my balance. A lound noise similar to an explosion accompany it,and my hearth skip a beat as i raise my head,the silence comes back but I wait for anything else to reach my ears. Nothing.

What was that?

Was the ship attacked?

Were someone here to ...save me?.

Before I could even think about it, my legs were running across the metallic floor as fast as they could.

The path I was taking was automatic, obvious. Like something I had done so many times in my dreams that every cell of my being knew what to do.

But nothing could match the speed my heart was going at.

Not even my thoughs that were racing so fast I couldn't even register most of them.

Specialspatialforces?FromEarth?No.Maybeanother species? WasthatwhyAtomdidn'tmove?Dotheyknowhowtostopthem?Dotheyhaveaweakness?WasIfinallyfree?DotheyknowI'minside?Whatiftheythinkit'sjusta worm-infestedship?

Wasifinallyfree?

Was I finally free?

I stopped just before the corridor entered my vision range, as the thought finally reached me.

Was this the end of this nightmare?

Why did I feel... sad?

I looked back.

No footsteps followed me.

Atom wasn't there, like they were telling me that it was only up to me to make this choice.

Like they knew that they had somehow managed to make this difficult.

Way more difficult than it should have been.

I took a long breath and pushed all of those thoughts aside.

The regret was for later.

It was now or never.

I turned down the corridor and arrived in front of the airlock.

My eyes widened.

In front of the window, there was something more than the infinite sheets of void and stars.

An immense spherical mass of blue, with such a depth of colors that I don't think I could name all the shades I was seeing. It was partially covered in green, with muddy greens sometimes replaced by brown or white.

Earth?

No.

A planet.

Their planet.

Here, staring at something at least 10 feet away from the window, something filled my heart.

Something warm and cold at the same time.

But before I could identify this feeling, a detail caught my attention, and I stepped closer to the hatch.

A moving object that seemed to be going toward the planet.

Its dark grey color contrasted with the brightness of the planet.

After staring at it for a few seconds, I recognized it.

The escape pod...

Of this ship.

I swallowed slowly as an immense, devouring feeling filled my entire body,something so heavy I couldnt put a name on it.

I suddenly felt weak.

It wasn't something coming to save me.

Of course not.

How could I have been so stupid?

It was something leaving.

Did... Atom leave me?

Am I alone?

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

_"You would want to...go out?"

They slowly articulate. I can feel in their voice that joy is not the primary emotion filling them anymore. I swallow my saliva quickly. A million thoughts, almost all starting with "What if", fill my mind, but quickly, I convince myself that I don't have anything to lose anymore anyway. There is no backing up now.

_"With you! Atom, my..." -my tongue hesitates for a moment- "Beloved..."

I try. Even if it might seem obvious to some, I never really tried to lure them with affection. I mean, lure them to do what? Throw me into the infinite void? It's not like there was any chance for them to bring me back to Earth anyway...until now.

I can see that they appreciated the nickname at least as much as I hoped they would! -if not more, seeing the way they started squirming in their seat.-

_"Beloved?!"

They exclaim. I jump as the first Atom, who stood in retreat until now, comes to wrap their arms around my neck affectionately. My first reflex is to get my head away from their grip, but once I leave their embrace, I feel regret.

_"Y-yeah..! Sorry...you know I'm not much into...contact just yet."

They raise their hand in surrender, not insisting anymore this time.

_"Sorry! Forgot!"

But the alien being can't hide the excitement in their voice, which doesn't make their excuse look very good. If they were doubting me before, I feel like there's no chance they are now. Yet I quickly have to guide them back toward my objective. It's not that I'm worried anymore, but I can't risk them getting distracted before I have what I want.

_"You know...you might not know it, but in...human culture we like to show our partner where we grew up! It's...to get closer to each other!"

I say, like my acting skills waited all my life for this moment to finally be good.

But?

But Atom doesn't answer. Standing there like a statue, still with their hand raised. I turn my head to the second suit, still sitting in front of me, which now has their finger up to the lower part of their helmet, thinking. I stop my smile from getting crooked just in time. Didn't I already convince them? It shouldn't be so hard for them to make that choice.

Beloved...beloved... I said that to the entity that ate all of my coworkers, and surely way more innocent people...what am I-

No! No. I can't let these thoughts get between me and my escape. I can't. I had all the time I've been stuck here to cry my eyes out. Now it's time to act.

_"But why go there? I can make it here, in the ship: for you!"

They say, finally interrupting the heavy silence.

_"I told you, I have very good memory!"

_"I know! But going there physically will be-"

_"Luna don't need anything beside me! I already told you im much better than a planet! I can tell you about it again! Why go there?"

This is getting out of hand. This is not how they were supposed to react at all. What did I do wrong?

_"Atom, listen,"

_"Why do you only ask me things I can't give you? I want to be all you need. I can be all you need...you won't let me!"

I feel the ship shaking. When I turn my head, the first Atom has let their arms drop to their sides, their helmet lowered toward the floor.

_"Atom...."

I mutter as the one in front of me is squeezing the table hard enough to make it produce sounds metal shouldn't be able to make. Not under the simple grip of someone, at least.

I feel my heart rate accelerate as flashes of what's inside the suits fill my mind. What they tried to hide for all this time because they knew how much it disgusted me. What could pour out at any moment as a result of their anger.

I try to push back the memories but couldn't, like a broken record replaying the same part over and over.

The thought of them squirming and filling the cafeteria at an alarming speed starts to impose itself on my vision of reality as I can feel every single one of my muscles tense up. How did this go wrong so fast? I needed to stop them. Now.

_"Luna I thought you did'nt hate-"

_"ATOM."

I finally lash out, not out of anger, but out of fear. In all this time I spent stuck here, never had Atom shown any kind of aggression toward me. More than that, never had I ever realized how much I feared them. Or rather, did all this time spent with them make me forget? They always treated me like the one thing they would never hurt, always. But now, this untold promise seemed to have weakened.

At the sound of my despair, they flinched immediately into an agonizing silence. I felt a stinging pain in my eyes, a sign that tears would soon appear in their corners. As the ship stabilized itself, I finally realized that I was shaking too, a pitiful state, truly.

Atom, now completely still, angled their helmet toward my face without a word. I can't tell if they are surprised by my scream, or by what they just said themselves. Maybe both? Maybe neither?

We stay there, staring at each other for way longer than we should. At some point, I hear the footsteps of the Atom behind me leaving the cafeteria, but I'm too busy wiping tears from my face to care. Carefully, I manage to slowly calm myself.

Finally, their helmet turns in another direction, like they can't stand looking me in the eyes anymore.

_"I will take you there, Y/N. You said it's to get closer, right?"

They advance their arms in my direction to borrow my hands. I try to pull them away, but their grip is too strong, and it seems to only get stronger with my movements.

_"You don't need to have doubts. I don't understand why I can't make it for you, but if seeing it one time makes you happy...I will do it."

They say, their voice slowly regaining its joy despite the slight nervousness in it. My heart still pounding in my ears, I try to answer but can't.

_"Y/N...Luna...I thought I learned everything on your specie. I was sure I was ready to fill every one of your needs easy. But I learn from you every day. Human are complicated. So many things to remember. I wanna be your paradise Luna, like you are mine. So I will...do efforts. I know you will love me, I just didn't know I had to work that path for that...Do you forgive me?"

They ask, almost softly, like trying to tame a feisty beast. I'm split between absolute rage and relief. Once again, I try to form an answer, a thought even, but my throat is still too tight, the fog in my mind too dense. Before I can force it, Atom continues.

_"Don't worry Luna, I know you will forgive me. You are kind, I remember. Even if I am now bigger, I am still weak, inside. Like you."

They explain, placing one of their hands on their chest. Faced once again with a lack of answer from me, they let go of my hand slowly to grab the plate of half-eaten breakfast.

_"It's cold now."

They affirm, but push the plate toward me anyway.

_"If you can't eat it, put it inside the trash!"

And finally, on this unnecessarily joyful advice, the suit walks out. For once, I'm left alone without having asked for it. But after what happened, I can't truly savor it. Not hungry anymore, I don't even try to finish it before throwing the breakfast away.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

I look at the low ceiling on top of my bed, deep in my thoughts. Still not having fully understood the discussion that went down a few hours ago with the entity and the feelings it brought me. Or should I call it an argument?...

Was I feeling scared? Of course that fits. Who wouldn't be scared? I still can't get rid of the feeling that, if I didn't stop them in time, they might have decided to repeat what happened last time...

I have to keep myself from having a gag reflex and quickly decide to think about something else...but my mind drifts back to what happened. It felt exactly like their first crash out...how sudden it was, how terrified I was. Yet...the first was logical. This one wasn't in the slightest. I called them a lovely nickname, don't they love those? They are the one who keep calling me Luna despite how many times I told them not to! But fear wasn't the only thing...there were so many other things I couldn't quite put a name on, so many things that added onto the mess in my head. The worst part was that it didn't feel like everything was negative. I couldn't explain it. Not understanding Atom wasn't new...but not understanding myself? I should be feeling pure rage, pure fear, pure...something! Not whatever this mess was.

Maybe there was an obvious solution to this, but my brain was visibly way too tired to find it anyway.

After a while of circling my thoughts over and over, I finally decided that there was no use thinking so much about it. The answer was clear as water. Humans were a species known for their ability to adapt, and that's the only thing I was gonna be able to count on. Right now, I somehow managed to convince them to let us stop at their planet, and that was the one good side I'll need to focus on for now.

Once that was decided, I finally sat back on my bed, looking around my perfectly arranged room. No sign of Atom. Despite the remaining unpleasant feeling in my stomach, I get up and let the automatic doors open before me. They're not in the hallway either. The now-usually colored hue illuminating the empty path is the only sign of the parasite's presence.

I stay in the doorway of my bedroom for a bit, thinking about what I should do. I could guess easily that, with what went down, Atom might not have any "activity" planned with me anymore. As strange as that sounds, they seem to truly...avoid me? It's the first time such a thing has happened, so I can't be sure of anything. But it has been, what...three hours since I've heard the sound of their shoes on the ship?

I know that technically they still are...everywhere. But it never has been this long without them showing themselves. And as much as it should worry me, I dare to hope they are just busy changing the ship's direction. I've already spent enough time stressing over all of this.

I step out with a yawn and walk aimlessly for a bit, taking time to look around without the constant presence of the entity. Soon enough, I find myself reproducing the path I used to take for daily mechanic checkups on the ship before any of this started, and I have to stop myself from opening panels, knowing damn well that what awaits me behind them aren't the well-arranged wires I used to take care of, but rather alive, slimy, black ones.

The thought makes a grimace appear on my face, and I pull my hand away before walking off, continuing my little walk.

After a while, I arrive at another familiar place: the airlock. The natural light of the stars is sublime through the reinforced glass, and weirdly, the fact that the window is so little makes the scenery even prettier, poetic, almost.

Just looking at it makes Atom's voice echo in my head. I feel like this should have led me to walk away, but instead I get closer, putting my arms on the border of the circular window as I focus on the outside rather than the inside.

It's sad, sometimes, how fast humans adapt. It's a beautiful landscape that I have the luck to witness in this little ship. So many stars that I couldn't count them even if I wanted to, infinity just in front of me. Places where time and gravity themselves bend to please forces beyond comprehension. And all that in a beautiful explosion of blue, pink, purple, green, and so many other colors.

But I'm used to it. Used to watching all of this drift away. Used to seeing myself drift away from everything I knew. Constantly.

It's a beautifully, beautifully common show for me.

Instead, I miss the beauty of the clouds on Earth, the variety of the shapes and colors they could adopt, the smell after the rain, the sound of the tears of the sky tapping against a window, the soft, warm wind that rarely came to hug me for half a second when I was cold. The noise, the people, the screams, the laughs, the trees...

Trees?

Atom said their planet was green...will the trees be like the ones on earth? Will there be grass? Animals? If it's populated...what does these people look like? I've come to a point where I'm not sure how others are supposed to look anymore. Will they be kind? Understanding? Cold? Hot-blooded? Either way, I knew I'd appreciate it with all my might...is it truly finally a chance for me to escape?

I hope so. I hope that I can convince myself enough to believe it.

"Luna! You're starwatching?"

I jump like I never did before at the sudden voice. Then, I take a deep breath before turning around slowly, revealing Atom to me, their hand behind their back. Looking so happy that it makes me feel like everything that happened earlier was only a nightmare.

In the most

Creepily

Skin-Crawling

Way

Possible.