Andy and their rants

𝔖𝔬𝔬𝔫, 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔡𝔞𝔶𝔰 𝔴𝔦𝔩𝔩 𝔟𝔢 𝔩𝔬𝔫𝔤𝔢𝔯 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔰𝔲𝔫 𝔴𝔦𝔩𝔩 𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔪 𝔶𝔬𝔲𝔯 𝔰𝔨𝔦𝔫 𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔞 𝔨𝔦𝔰𝔰…

1. NOT athletic

2. Never has any idea what is going on

3. A bit of an overthinker

4. Easily flustered

5. Anxious

I am not damaged. I have been hurt.

I am not useless. I am making the best of my limited capacity.

I am not lazy. I need rest to heal.

I am not unreliable. I live an unpredictable life.

With chronic pain and illness, you don't tune out that desire to be doted on and loved in times of suffering. You force yourself to ignore that need because you think it'll never be fulfilled by the people around you. Where's my mom to make me soup when I'm sick or check my temperature? Where's my friends to drop by just to see how I'm doing?

And I think I'm often caught between wanting support from the people around me and not wanting to feel like a burden. Then I avoid reaching out to get support and then feel resentment towards others for not giving me the support and attention I wanted deep down.

I'm not entirely blameless in my social frustrations related to my chronic pain, but I do think there's something to be said about how devastatingly isolating it can feel to be a person with chronic pain/disability/illness and know that you will never get your needs from others fully fulfilled to the extent you want. Learning to find that balance of tempering your expectations, fulfilling your own needs, and communicating to your support system what specifically you need. At least... I hope that's something I can learn as a skill over time.