deafening red

ive been holding off on creating anything while debating on where i want making and posting art to place in my life. i would like for this to be something that i can openly connect with the rest of my life and interests and use as a medium for socializing and expression, but theres also a want/feeling of need to turn it into a career and bring in way more eyes to what i make and become a public figure of sorts. ive seen enough to know that mixing personal/public, business/pleasure in that way is not a good idea at all, plus the internet is not exactly the place i want to tie my livelihood and identity to, but there also seems to be no other options really for the kind of things i want to create. not to mention a feeling of not really having anything else that im capable of as far as making a living. its very much a wanting your cake and eating thing but its disheartening to realize that art isnt really capable of providing the kind of freedom of expression id hoped for

i could dwell on things longer if i wanted, but the stuff thats been bothering me is really just endemic to the system were in and isnt going away any time soon. i dont want to give up on art so i feel like the only thing i can do is just continue making and sharing my work in spite of things. even if i have a lot of worries bundled up with putting my stuff out there its still something i love and want to do, and its not like im going to go the rest of my life never making art or wanting to show it to others again, so i might as well keep doing it and just see what happens whether it be good or bad.