queer pranks played by lightning

you looked at me like i was your way out

no he absolutely DOESSSSS. he can't believe ilya even likes those girls. do they even make him work for it??? god he bets they'd do anything for his dick... that's crazy.......

-Ilya just lost his father to an illness affecting the brain and the person he loves most just got a brain injury and he doesn’t yet know how severe

-Ilya has been made to feel unwelcome by his family for years and probably isn’t sure if Shane will be mad that he’s there, tell him to leave, be embarrassed that he’s there, or laugh at him for thinking he wants him there

-It’s also notable that this is one of the few times they’ve interacted where hooking up isn’t an option, and when it wasn’t an option in Russia Ilya reacted coldly to Shane and told him to leave, and doesn’t know how Shane will react to a situation now where the only thing he has to offer is his presence

-And Shane’s reaction is unbridled delight at seeing Ilya and he makes grabby hands until Ilya comes close enough to hold hands with him

-Ilya’s family have never had problems showing how they feel about him, which is usually insults and contempt. Shane is affectionate with him but clearly has emotional walls up a lot of the time. This is the first time Ilya has interacted with Shane where he has no inhibitions blocking how he treats Ilya, and he treats him with so much delight and love and affection, showing that the only thing he’s been holding back is just how much he cares, rather than any judgements

-When Shane asks Ilya to come to the cottage he doesn’t say “We could have so much sex” but “We could have so much fun”. Showing that Ilya is not just a hookup but someone whose company he enjoys just as a person

So that's the tragedy of Ilya Rozanov. The tragedy of Shane Hollander is that he will give completely up and then just keep going. Failure is not an option and he needs to keep performing at the highest level possible for as long as possible but everything else will be gone. Any sort of light or warmth extinguished. Deprivation will become its own reward. He will become so scared of his own wants that he starts actively avoiding things that bring him even some modicum of pleasure--and yes, this would be self harm. He starts to associate the pain of longing with success. Family is his only reprieve, and even then he rations it out. He holds all of his ache and his longing and his need in a fist in his chest and sometimes when his mom hugs him too tight or his dad rubs his shoulders it starts to dislodge and that's dangerous. He can't let himself have that.