Adolescence

“i stayed because it wasn’t that bad when you thought about it, really thought about it a boyfriend getting concerned over what guys his girlfriend hangs out with? totally normal i would be concerned, too, if i knew he had to work on a project after school with another girl. i stayed because i knew where he was coming from in fact, i thought it was sweet that he got so upset when he saw a guy’s name pop up on my phone screen even if it was just, “hey, did we have homework?” the way his jaw clenched and his breathing got heavy i kind of liked making him jealous. when i would ask him why he got so upset he would break down and say, “i’m sorry. i know i’m crazy, it’s just i love you so much, and i never wanna lose you.” he would bury his face in my hair and hold me close telling me i made him so happy. to me, his only crime was loving me too much i stayed because he loved me deeply i stayed because he treated me like gold taking me out to fancy dinners, holding doors open for me, buying me anything he saw that he thought i’d like (and i always did), he wrote songs for me and held me close, wiped my tears and listened to my rants, calmed me down when i got nervous and kissed my forehead murmuring that i was the most amazing person ever, and i was gonna be just fine, everything’s gonna be fine i stayed because he got mad at me for all the right reasons calling myself ugly and puking up dinner skipping meals and shoplifting tattooing myself with a rusty needle he’d clench his teeth and his nostrils would flair “what did i say about talking like that?” he’d scold i’d smile like a five year old because that’s how old he made me feel like a devious child who had just stolen out of the cookie jar and can’t help but smile when asked if they did it. i stayed because he knew me better than anyone else he’d scold me for doing bad things because he knew that wasn’t who i was i stayed because he just wanted the best for me i stayed because i always initiated it and i didn’t want to be a hypocrite. i used to not care who he talked to on facebook or what girls he followed on instagram but he did it to me so much i felt i had a right to, too. if he was possessive, so was i - i knew his passwords and checked up all the time. i stayed because that’s what normal couples do my mom would snoop through my dad’s drawers when she thought he cheated, my best friend’s boyfriend made her delete ex-boyfriends’ numbers off her phone, it’s not a big deal. i stayed because it wasn’t like he HIT me or anything he wasn’t a monster. he just cared a lot is that so bad? most girls dream of having guys obsess over them and i was lucky enough to have it in real life. i stayed because i didn’t remember life without him i stayed because i was better safe than sorry if i left him, i’d regret it more than anything every day i would wake up and miss his face and his kisses and hearing how much he loved me and how beautiful i was and how i was his favorite person in the world. i’d want to stab myself when i see him with another girl draped around his arm, knowing i let him go and now he’s moved on to someone better. i’d be a ticking time bomb, just waiting to self destruct because i’d hate myself so much. i’d start throwing up again i’d become depressed again i’d hate myself again. i stayed because i was confused was it really rape if i had kind of consented to it? as in, telling him “nooo” when his hand slid down my pants, but doing it in kind of a flirty way? i guess cause i said it kind of flirty, that’s why he kept going. he knew i was just teasing. was i? was it really rape if he had accepted my answer? if i told him i didn’t want to, and he said okay, but then pouted and asked if the reason i didn’t want to was because i didn’t love him anymore? of course i loved him, so we had sex anyway, and that wasn’t his way of getting me to have sex with him, that was his way of being cute and concerned. right? i stayed because he never pinned me down and forced himself on me. i stayed because i couldn’t leave every time i tried to suggest a break, even a short one to just see what it’d be like, his eyes would water and his fists would clench “i don’t know what i’m gonna do without you, you are my everything” he bawled, kissing my cheeks and holding my hair i hated seeing people cry. i hated seeing him so broken and knowing i was the cause. i stayed because i was scared when i finally mentioned breaking up for good he didn’t cry his eyes darkened and face muscles tightened it was a shift that made me genuinely scared, a motion that made my skin crawl and my hand reach for my phone “i just i don’t think i’m gonna survive without you” what i once would’ve considered an adorable sign of love was now a very frightening threat. i casually reached for my phone on the table as if to check the time but his thick fingers clenched around my wrist and that’s when he hit me. i left because he abused me but i stayed because i didn’t know what abuse was”