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manchester: gays. you will probably get mugged.

liverpool: like manchester, but less gay. you will definitely get mugged.

newcastle: probably quite good for canadians as exists in permafrost and has never left the 90s.

leeds: it's a lot cheaper than london

bradford: leeds but awful

nottingham: gun death capital of the uk!

derby: intense rivalry with nottingham, literally no one else in the country or world gives any fucks about this.

hull: violently resist anyone who attempts to take you here

leicester: i'm not sure this is a real place

york: this is an illustration from the top of a christmas biscuit assortment

birmingham: NO.

brighton and hove: more gays. is only a pretend city. mild to moderate chance of mugging. contains some deeply annoying hippies. full of teenage girls in short skirts. basically if san francisco was british.

portsmouth: there is literally nothing here.

southampton: exactly the same as portsmouth but smells of off milk

bristol: you have a 1 in 10 chance of ending up in a bbc recording. everyone sounds like a farmer or bob marley.

cardiff: you have a 1 in 5 chance of ending up in a bbc recording, and a 1 in 3 chance of being glassed.

aberystwyth: thousands of students. thousands. wind will slap you so hard as you walk past the coast you'll feel it up your fucking arse.

newport: shit. literally just shit. don't even go. love yourself and go elsewhere.

plymouth: post apocalyptic wind tunnel full of drunk sailors pissing on depressed hookers. do not enter.

penzance: everyone here is from london now.

london: no one from london is actually from london and even breathing is expensive.

cambridge: windy and full of equal amounts of homeless drug addicts and public schoolboys. the junkies are nicer.

oxford: same number of cunts as cambridge but easier to escape from due to all-night bus to london

edinburgh: a goth turned into a city. basically london but slightly more scottish.

glasgow: it is impossible to tell whether people are angry or happy.

aberdeen: las vegas at the point when vegas starts crying uncontrollably

belfast: do not order "an irish car bomb" OR "a black and tan" here.

wolverhampton: really, really don't.

norwich: count people's fingers. mutations walk here.

coventry: like plymouth, bombed flat in ww2. like plymouth, failed to take the hint. like plymouth: do not alight here.

sheffield: poster-child for world war 3. good luck finding somebody with teeth.

carlisle: literally the arse end of the universe. too close to scotland