amusedgreatly

don’t love this, if I’m being frank

don’t get your glizzy slits in a twist

Do you ever eat popcorn out of the palm of your own hand with such ardent desperation that you feel like both a wild horse and the gentle schoolgirl feeding it treats to gain its affection 

this is the funniest thing i have ever read

When we find a hair in our food, it’s usually long and likely female. Now think about all the male hair we never notice and likely ingest.

people are so petty and then here i am, me, an angel, 

How do they sound so much like they look?

The microbes inside me are pleased by my yogurt offering. I live another day.

it’s literally raining and pouring and the old man is actually snoring 

ok (powerpoint transition to a photo of your gravestone)

if she’s your girl why is she breasting boobily down my stairs