So. University.
mixed signals as usual.
my family and friends in Poland were quite happy that I had chosen to go to university, but I wasnât. As usual!
this is yet again the mixed signals that I send, let me list them
Iâm much too free spirited and rebellious to be told what to do for another four years
i like to learn on my own terms, my own things and what I am super interested in, which is quite a downfall at times when Iâm being offered to learn something new that doesnât quite align with my vision
i wanted to grow as a person, not to be a student again and to be treated as such
picking mentors is very important. Having mentor who you look up to, who look like you, and who have been through many adventures, many successes and many mistakes is very important to me, mentors who are very positive, who are eloquent in speak, and who I know I will become like following their advice.
this is the catch, for mentors and teachers alike. Your students will never listen to you, unless you become what they are striving for. Unless you become the perfect image of success, wealth, health, beauty, happiness. If you look miserable, act and speak miserably, no one will listen to you. Itâs like offering an out of date apple or cake. The idea of the treat is nice, but the fact that it is out of date puts you off. You need to teach the kids from the future, not from the past. That makes no sense. Teach them to project and imagine into the future, and to bring that here. Teach them the basics, the ancients, and give them free reign.
I didnât really like the culture at the university. It had too much locura happening and it was just overwhelming for the senses. Also the fact that I was getting ready to be a model, where size xs fitted my body (not I was able to fit into xs, flip it and say it fits you) and suddenly found myself in a ghetto university. Iâm still so confused why I even went there.
I was very much in my childish energy. I had been healing my inner child the entire summer, and was freshly out of home. Mentally, I was still 8. I had made a choice basically yo live one more year as a child, and rightfully so I suppose, i had been silting a lot. But it got way out of hand.
I was mentally stuck in a cycle: itâs only a holiday, I have to go home after this, but when I did finally get home, it donât feel like home any more. I had out grown it. Iâve been trying to come to terms with that.
if I had been very specific about my life going forward, I had been living very in the present moment. If I had been more specific, I would have gone off to Cuba straight away. With all those savings I had. But I had crumbled my money very stupidly, I didnât have enough forward vision. Any money I make now I am gatekeeping the heck out of.
My main mission now, is to drop this weird baby water weight, and get myself out of this country. To get to my spirit home, Cuba.
in Poland, and in Madeira, and in England, they were telling me all these stories about Cuba. How it is poor and that I shouldnât go there. You really think Iâll listen. And you think I donât know? Cuba, like me, was once very beautiful, very glamorous, a haven. But then it was destroyed by conflict and warfare, and the people that made it beautiful left. Well, thatâs how I understand it. The inner warfare that has been in full roll since as long as I can remember has been the destruction of me. Now I just want to rest. And be in my crumbling Habana. No quiero nada mas.
no amount of conflict, destruction, poverty, or heart break, can take my spirit out of me. Can tear me away from myself. No amount of material possessions will outweigh my beautiful Cuba.
so whatever may happen, Iâm getting myself there. Getting myself home. The time of suffering is over. The time of denial is over too. My people are suffering so I have been suffering too. My home has been suffering so I have been suffering too.
now here is a paradox which I will very quickly decline.
I started learning Spanish when I was 13. Itâs the biggest part of who I am, bigger than the culture I was born into. It is my life. Ever since then, Spanish and Latin culture has been my biggest passion. I scored better in Spanish than in my own mother tongue! My favourite line is to say âes de mi alma, es mi vidaâ so no fuera por mi cuba, por mi espĂritu latino, no serĂa Olimpia, serĂa una fantasma. Spanish is the only subject I ever truly care about. It brings me back to life. It breathes life into me. Ohhhhh dios take me to my Cuba and I will never leave. Heavens above I have been so empty without this music that Iâm listening to now. And it goes like this every time. It heals my soul. It truly does. It brings me back to life like I said. Nothing makes me happier than to dance in my red dress in the middle of my room, and I feel the people who came before me, I feel them. They call out to me. Por dios. I canât wait to make my way back to them.
Iâve been bling myself back. So much has come into my energy, but I never wanted it. I knew deep down that I would feel when it was right for me. And this. This is right for me. I know Iâm writing to cringe-ly dramatic, and Iâm over exhausting the reality probably, but itâs fine.