Amariz

No one can convince that this isn’t a teen pregnancy even though I’m 31. I’m terrified and excited.

I’ve had so many heavy and overwhelming feelings this week and no one I can confide in that truly understands my hurt.

The last time I saw my grandma and grandpa I was 13, 26 years ago. I don’t remember why we went but I remember being so excited. I can’t recall much from that trip. I really only remember being nervous and too shy to talk to them and jealous that my cousins were so close to them. I can’t even remember if we did anything together, I mostly remember going to the beach with my dad, just us.

There have been a few calls here and there but we’ve always been divided by a language barrier. I could understand them but they couldn’t understand me. Eventually it was just easier to not try. I think it was that way for all of us.

I remember being sad when my grandpa passed when I was 19. But it’s nothing compared to the grief I feel now. It’s really just hit me that I will never have a relationship with them.

My sisters tell me about all these beautiful memories of my grandparents and my aunt and the family we had/have there and I’m filled with so much sadness, jealousy, anger, and confusion because I feel them all at once. I remember nothing. When I was old enough to have these memories, none were made. The visits I had were few and far between.

It makes sense for them to have this grief for my grandma, they knew her. They had a true relationship with her. And when my grieving comes up I think my family expect me to do very minimal of it because I didn’t have that relationship. But I’m grieving for my dad who lost his mother and my sisters who lost their childhood. And then for me for the relationship I could have and never had.

I try to talk with my sisters about it but they will never know what it’s like to not have that bond with family. I can’t speak to my mom because a lot of my anger is directed at her. And I won’t burden my dad with it. My boyfriend doesn’t understand because he hasn’t lost anyone as an adult, and he’d rather pretend I’m fine.