it’s the beauty that hurts you most

When you are alone with yourself all the time, with no one but yourself, you begin to go deeper and deeper into yourself, until you lose yourself. It’s a perverse contradiction.

As I lay in bed last I thought about how many people have tried to help me along the way, have helped me, a few a whom are no longer alive. Way more people have tried to help me John, than have harmed me, the harm just seems to leave the deeper mark. Anyway, I’ve always felt such guilt that others were wasting their lives on me, that I was a waste that I was unworthy but last night I didn’t feel that guilt or that I was a waste. I didn’t necessarily feel worthiness but I did feel a kind of responsibility, I guess, at least a desire to try and not let you all down. Then I felt the smallest flicker of not wanting to let myself down, you know? Because somewhere in all this, I’ve managed at times to fight for myself for some reason, pride for my life for some reason. And I survived for some reason. And here I am, still for some reason. And me not knowing that reason doesn’t diminish it or invalidate it, or disprove it’s existence. And that’s what I’m going with today

j. smith-cameron @ the peabody awards 2015 (x)

Diners from TV at night

Rectify (2013– )

Daniel Holden | Rectify | Season 4

As I lay in bed last I thought about how many people have tried to help me along the way, have helped me, a few a whom are no longer alive. Way more people have tried to help me John, than have harmed me, the harm just seems to leave the deeper mark. Anyway, I’ve always felt such guilt that others were wasting their lives on me, that I was a waste that I was unworthy but last night I didn’t feel that guilt or that I was a waste. I didn’t necessarily feel worthiness but I did feel a kind of responsibility, I guess, at least a desire to try and not let you all down. Then I felt the smallest flicker of not wanting to let myself down, you know? Because somewhere in all this, I’ve managed at times to fight for myself for some reason, pride for my life for some reason. And I survived for some reason. And here I am, still for some reason. And me not knowing that reason doesn’t diminish it or invalidate it, or disprove it’s existence. And that’s what I’m going with today

“Look at me. Look at me, brother. Daniel?”

I’m a romantic and you’re the girl. You’re hoping the girl’s going to save you? If you’re a romantic.                          Can’t save you Daniel, I’m sorry, but I could hold you if you’d let me

When you are alone with yourself all the time, with no one but yourself, you begin to go deeper and deeper into yourself, until you lose yourself. It’s a perverse contradiction.

Rectify (2013– )

“Appreciate you taking me for a ride D” “Anytime Kerwin” 

Daniel Holden | Rectify | Season 4

As I lay in bed last I thought about how many people have tried to help me along the way, have helped me, a few a whom are no longer alive. Way more people have tried to help me John, than have harmed me, the harm just seems to leave the deeper mark. Anyway, I’ve always felt such guilt that others were wasting their lives on me, that I was a waste that I was unworthy but last night I didn’t feel that guilt or that I was a waste. I didn’t necessarily feel worthiness but I did feel a kind of responsibility, I guess, at least a desire to try and not let you all down. Then I felt the smallest flicker of not wanting to let myself down, you know? Because somewhere in all this, I’ve managed at times to fight for myself for some reason, pride for my life for some reason. And I survived for some reason. And here I am, still for some reason. And me not knowing that reason doesn’t diminish it or invalidate it, or disprove it’s existence. And that’s what I’m going with today

It just feels like you created this identity, you had to, I understand that to survive. I mean you were barely 18, you weren’t even fully formed yet. So you became what they said you were, and you played the part, you lived the life of Death Row Daniel. Tell me something I don’t know Chloe? I don’t know if I can but there is this shame, all around you, all the time. You don’t want to let it go because if you are always and already the bad boy. Then no one can hurt you, but if you start to feel good about yourself, even just a little bit, even just these brief moments of; ‘I think I’m an okay person’. Then that must be truely terrifying for you. Because what protects you then, from the slings and arrows?