Woman In A Man's World

So I'm not one to write blog posts often. Heck I can barely keep up with my photo of the day challenge on instagram. But lately life and work have been so tough that I need a way to express everything that is going on. Crying everyday no longer helps and I am hoping that typing it up will. Hell that is why I created this blog in the first place all those years ago.

I have gotten to the point where nothing in life is what I thought it would be. I know everyone has moments in their lives' when they think they have the whole future planned out. I'm not like that... never have been. But at the same time I never envisioned myself living in a small town in south Texas. A town I have come to love. My the coaches and the students (for the most part) are amazing. I never wanted to work in a high school. I despised the thought actually. And now if I had the chance I would stay where I am at for the rest of my career. But that is just the thing. As much as I love my life now, another part of me is miserable. There is someone that I work with that makes my life unbearable. It's not in the way that a secretary complains about her boss because he asks for an extra shot of espresso in his coffee. No it is to the point where there is no verbal communication between us. I can be just outside the office and if I am needed or something needs to be done, an email is sent instead of a text, call, or heaven's forbid actually talking to me.

And that is just the tip of the ice berg. As they say, "What you see is never what you get." Well hell if that expression ain't true. Besides the lack of communication, there is a mole. Not the furry little blind creature but the kind from the spy thrillers that ends up being the person you least expect (although in my case you would totally be able to guess this person). Anyway I have now learned that I cannot say anything... and I mean anything around this person (good or bad) without it getting to Mr. Miserable (yeah I like codenames). Working at a high school is hard enough having to watch what I say. But now having to filter every little thing that comes out of my mouth is maddening. It is like my mind is constantly running... never taking a break to just let words slip from my mouth and it is utterly exhausting. I don't know how real spies do it.

Another layer to my sixteen layer cake of sadness, is the way I am treated. Now don't get me wrong my coaches are wonderful. Sometimes I think that they believe I hung the moon. But Mr. Miserable that is a different story. As athletic trainers we tend to respect others in our profession. Well here at my job that is not the case. At least towards me is isn't. Here the football players are treated like gods (literally one player's nickname is little god) where as I am seen as less than pond scum. Everything I do or say is wrong or a lie. "I have no idea what I am talking about." And it is heartbreaking. These kids do not believe I can do my job even though I spent eight years working hard to get to this point, all because a man they hold in such high regards bashes me to no end.

Recently I have started to believe that this job has lead me to become depressed. In fact I know it has. There are many time I cry on the way home and days like today, where I end up on a bench outside the field house trying to be the tears from falling in front of my athletes and coworkers. My bad days are starting to out number the good, and I am also looking for any excuse to get out of my shared office or out of work completely. JV track meet? I'm there. Region swim meet... sign me up. And worst of all I have resorted to going to the middle school and helping the coaches just for some away time.