no cause what's actually insane to me is how I just sort of accepted you calling me avoidant for so long when, NEVER in my life have I avoided anything difficult ever and nobody else who actually knows me would say I'm avoidant either. I'M the one begging for reassurance and connection, attempting to initiate hard conversation and pouring my heart out to you consistently. I am fully capable of apologizing, taking accountability, acknowledging how I hurt you, changing my behavior and revisiting the topic to ensure I am doing what you need me to do. At times, I've brought up my shortcomings, addressed the affect they had and put effort into doing things differently without you saying anything at all.
While i'm the one doing all of that, you say you "didn't know it was that deep" and at the same time you were also "entirely blindsided" by me asking you to leave, you had no idea I was thinking and feeling this way and, to you "everything was great" until I just decided to take such a drastic measure for absolutely no reason. That makes it incredibly easy to avoid talking about the actual issues and instead focus on this 1 singular moment in time, dismiss me by calling me avoidant or blaming my mental health. It also makes it easy to become defensive, play the blame game, point fingers and devalue yourself. None of this is productive or resolution focused and all of it puts focus on this moment and not all the moments leading up to it.
You can send paragraphs about how hard THIS is for you and how crazy THIS makes you feel and demand I speak to you face to face knowing full well how challenging those conversations are for me especially when you react the way you do and how impatient you are when we've tried.
This shit doesn't happen overnight and I don't think you even remember the number of times I've tried to talk about how I felt, tried to get input, opinion or support from you to be left empty. How many questions I asked you got annoyed by or how many times I brought up feeling anxious, feeling unloved, feeling like I was losing you and you told me that my feelings were making you anxious, my sex drive was too high, my feelings were causing what I was feeling and also causing you to pull away. I was the problem always. "I'm here isn't that enough" That I should just trust you, just let it go, there's nothing to talk about. I blamed myself. I wanted to fix it, I wanted to know what I did, what I could do to pull you back. So I stopped asking if you were okay. I stopped asking what you wanted from the store. I stopped asking what to make for dinner. I stopped buying gifts and writing notes and reaching for you. Stopped talking about anything of substance at all. And nothing changed. You never asked what was wrong why I stopped doing things, I don't think you even noticed, honestly. You'd post songs and tiktoks about fucking but if I responded you'd ignore it. Reposting shit about people or relationships that had no correlation to us at all. a lot of it loving, kind, thoughtful, intimate- and then send me shit that, comparatively speaking, felt like I wasn't worth any effort. And I wasn't supposed to wonder who was getting the attention of yours I wanted so fucking badly. "mutual obsession" fucking where? because it is so fucking clear from minute 1 I was yours. All in. Obsessed. And where were you? Why is it only when I'm breaking like this do you decide that I'm abandoning you and you've been devoted and loving, acting like you've worshiped me and I'm just heartless when I cried and cried and cried for months not understanding what the fuck was happening.
1 year ago when we were in the same fucking position I told you if you wanted to come back I wanted effort. I wanted to know I mattered to you and that you loved me and that you would support me so I could support Novamae. You spent months arguing with me instead. Telling me that my suffering was my own fault and you could've been here the entire time but never put effort into making me feel wanted. So I apologized, and I said I was drowning and I needed you. And you kept yelling at me. I told you I couldn't prioritize myself, I didn't want to lose our relationship but I can't be the only one fighting for it. I even gave you ways to show me that you wanted to be here and even then you put the work back on me. I gave you ways to help me and you told me to do them myself. And here we are again. Nothing has changed. You always say "I never know what I'm doing wrong" and the problem is you're not doing anything. I wanted your input, opinion, shared space. I asked months ago about decorations, bedding, furniture, art, fucking anything to bring you into this so it could feel like your home. I asked you months ago what you do to show me love and you had nothing to say. I don't understand how you can say our relationship is healthy or perfect or whatever when, to me, nothing about this feels like a relationship. You're my best friend, through and through. but you have never been able to have conversations with me about thoughtful, emotional, intimate or complicated things. I feel like I have no idea who you truly are or what you want from your life, our relationship, what trust, obsession, passion, support or connection mean to you. Everything feels superficial and that is my biggest problem with us. But you'd rather say I'm avoidant or have OCD or point out I've never lived with someone in my gay relationships. Anything that absolves you of responsibility, absolves you of having to get vulnerable and open up. You're losing me because you don't give me any of you and I can't hold onto emptiness. "don't leave me" is all I ever hear. Not "I don't want to lose you" not "you matter too much to let go of" "how can we fix this" "don't leave ME" the selfishness in that statement alone is insane because I have been so terrified of losing you I lost myself entirely trying not to. and the only thing you care about is not being alone.
