You can call me Goth Mom

As of right now, I am listening to my boyfriend snore and I feel loved. Not just by him, but by God. All is well between me and my God. I still feel scared though, and I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that it was man who made me scared and never God.

I once read that love means never having to apologize.

But how could you not, even if it’s not your fault?

How could I look into her eyes, and not despise what she is going through.

Was I sorry for what was happening, or that I wasn’t the one hurting?

 Why wouldn’t I say I’m sorry, when I could stay in the warm bed

While she bent her head over that porcelain bowl.

When cancer and chemo ravaged her body, the least I can do is be sorry.

When her bones became brittle and muscles became weak, How could I not be sorry?

 How could I not regret looking her in the face

And telling her that she is beautiful, when we both know that she wasn’t anymore.

It wasn’t comforting, no it just tore through the little esteem she had left.

And that night, she shaved off the rest of her hair.

 How could I not try to amend the wrong doing of me being okay

While I held her hand, in my palm. The little life she had left, she gave to me.

Through all the hurt, pain, grief and strife. She gifted me with what she could

And why couldn’t I do the same.

 Now the halls of our apartment are silent, just the wind howls.

Only the Anemoi have their voice, I spend my time planning what to say at the pulpit

So full of life, no reason or rhyme she was swept away by the very breeze that brought her here.

Woe is me, because I can no longer shed a tear.

 In the sky is her eyes, and in the bark of trees I see her hair.

She had to know that I would always care and always will,

In the grass, I see her favorite dress that we was buried in.

        It had been years since my last relationship before Jen. That tends to be the consequences of being a socially awkward nerd. My only friend, Blake, would always tell me “You could have a woman if you just replaced your computer with a gym membership.” He was always incredibly blunt like that. I kept him around because he understood ‘gamer-language’ but his value really shined when he gave me the truth. It always hit like a war-hammer but he never failed to be correct when it came to sensitive topics. Little did he know I didn’t care much about getting a girl. I was perfectly content with wasting behind the dim light of my computer monitor. Each click of my mouse dragging me deeper and deeper into an irrecoverable lifestyle, doing nothing by wasting my not-so-precious time.

           At the time, I worked at the local watering hole. By that, I mean Sonic. Everybody went to Sonic for their Diet Coke and Dr. Pepper hook-up in my town. The only other places were all sit-down or McDonalds, which had rumors of roaches. That was when I met Jennifer, she preferred going by “Jen.” She thought it was quirky because gin happened to be her favorite drink, Bombay Sapphire to be particular. With which, her eyes shared color. I was always lost in the pair. They made me feel like the sky had come down in the form of a person to greet me personally. She had a sparkle to her eyes, almost like a ring of gold that surrounded her pupils like the sun during a total eclipse. Her hair was a dark, dark black, which she curled and had faded into a light auburn, as the strands got closer to the bottom. There was nothing natural about it, but she managed to pull it off with grace. I always said that she would be just as pretty and her purse would be heavier if she did not go to the barber to get that neat trick done so often, turns out it is because she had red hair. It never hurt me though.

           She spent the beginning of summer pulling into one of my stalls every day between three and four o’ clock. It wasn’t until the third or fourth time around that she asked me for my number, which I happily obliged. That was the moment I started caring about having a girlfriend, damn was she stunning. Even her voice flowed off her tongue like milk and honey. I do not know what she saw in me, but I went from serving her root beer to coming over to her house for pool parties and eventually family gatherings. We fell head over heels for each other and tumbled into a snowball. Every aspect of our relationship was moving so quickly, I could hardly keep up. It sounds unhealthy, it might’ve been but we didn’t mind it. We never bickered about anything bigger than the formal name of a color or directions, we both thought we were adorable when we were angry though so it didn’t ever actually matter. She got along with Blake and I tried my best to get along with her abundance of friends.

We spent about two years dating each other, living at our parent’s houses while I worked and she did some classes at the local community college. I finally saved up enough to rent a small apartment, and Jen decided she was done living under her father’s roof. I enrolled into the technology center; I figured that I could get my mechanic certification and have a little bit more money. Jen started working at one of the diners in town; we were getting by just fine with each other and end-of-the-month ramen. Jen even took up some computer gaming, it was cheap entertainment. Two extremely happy years passed and just as I was finishing my certification, Jen came to me with the little red plus sign. I know it is all extremely sappy, but I swear to all that is holy I cried that night. Everything was working out. That spring was the first time I saw God.

           Jen gave up gin and just about everything else; she even got mad at me because I accidentally touched her with the end of a permanent marker. She was adamant on having a perfectly healthy baby and what kind of father would I be if I didn’t encourage that. I got a job at Napa and she still worked at the diner. Fall rolled around and Jen was getting bigger. We had football parties in our little apartment for our close friends. Blake was showing up alone, but he was basically part of the little family Jen and I had started. Soon-to-be Uncle Blake never found it awkward to ask to feel the kicking. He was almost as proud as I was.

           We rented out a small house in the beginning of October. We unpacked just in time for Halloween and Jen dressed up as a witch, I put on my mechanic outfit and smeared black paint all over my face. She thought I wasn’t original enough but some of the little kids loved it, one even asked me questions. As we passed out candy, I couldn’t help but just fantasize about walking my little girl around the block. What was she going to go as? Perhaps she would be a fairy, a princess? She was the daughter of a mechanic; I think I could get her to go as a Transformer, maybe end Bumblebee. Eleven o’ clock rolled around and Jen was finishing getting ready for bed, as I laid in bed she came out of the bathroom. Shower steam rolled out from the bathroom door, in true Halloween fashion. She took off her shirt to reveal a jack o’ lantern. She used face paint to turn her belly into a Jack o’ Lantern. We giggled for hours that night before being able to drift to sleep. She thought she was bigger than she was, but it was still funny.

           Thanksgiving rolled around and she was getting too big to work so she took some time off. The owners of the diner was an extremely warm, friendly old couple so they didn’t mind. She thought she was big in October; she would moan and wallow on the couch now. She was still beautiful when she cried. We were hoping for a Christmas baby, but we got closer to a turkey baby. On November 30, 2015, Paislee was born at exactly 10:33 PM and he cries reminded me of milk and honey. She was 7 IBS and 15 ounces. I had forgotten to, so I went out and bought a crib that night. Everything else was already at home or in my trunk.

           They say that you’ll miss everything if you blink, and I did just that. I can hardly remember waking up in the middle of the nights to crying. I definitely remember changing diapers. I remember when she started school, Jen and I dropped her off together. Uncle Blake still made abundant appearances. She is old enough to walk home alone from school now. Sometimes she even goes with her friends to the shops down Main Street before coming home. Every now and again, when sitting at home for dinner she might look at me and she will smile. Her eyes are the same pure blue as her mothers. They send me back to a time when the sky would come down to greet me. My hair is starting to turn gray, but hers seems to be settling on a natural black. I think she got it from my mother. I even got her to wear the transformer costume. The second time I saw God was years before in November, now I see him every evening over dinner, living in my daughter.

Ode to Hollandaise You have been beaten Into submission, until you Are inseparable and yellow Still, every little flavor shows Covering the egg white, Completely smooth and shiny, But the sour of the lemon is Ever-present. It takes a poached egg, some ham, and a muffin to feel complete but you make them so much better. Eaten by the rich, rich yourself But you can be enjoyed by everybody And most of all I enjoy you And I’ll forever be content With you on my plate. Climbing Out Breathe in, Breathe out Is the only thought that fills Your head, one foot then another Getting out of bed is tiring enough Two days, three, in your mind You see sunny times, playing in the yard It never gets less hard, you just Start to live again, carrying the sorrow At least you have memories That momentarily cease any pain The funeral has come and gone But everybody else has moved on With bleeding hands and white knuckles You see at the top, a light shining bright You just found your mountain axe, And it’s easier to start climbing out.

I couldn’t help but to think of the weather, I always loved this time of year. Winter was just rolling in and the frost covered the blades of grass throughout the backyard. I absolutely had to go for a walk, but we lived out in the middle of nowhere now. There was no destination I could really think of, it wasn’t anything like the quaint housing area we used to reside in. I flung my favorite black jacket over my shoulders and slipped on my fading dark blue tennis shoes just before hopping down the steps outside our front door. The air was dry and sent a shiver up my spine. I shook slightly but grew accustomed the the chill quite quickly. My yellow house sat on a hill overlooking a u turn in the river, just beyond the county road about seventy yards in front of the wrap around porch. The hill that descended in front of me was mixed with brown from the dead grass as well as the white ice. My breath froze mid-air with every exhale and stung the back of my throats with every inhale. This was my bliss, everything was quiet. I had started to walk down my drive-way but a last minute decision lead me to turning around and walking up the hill into the pasture just behind my country home. As the grass grew more and more wild, eventually reaching my mid-calf, with the weight of the ice holding it down, I felt more and more at piece with the place God felt he needed me. The tree line than ran around my house started to spurt out slightly and I found myself walking along the edge, when I noticed that just beyond a thin line of trees, was a small pond. I found an opening in the wood and brush and slid down a small hill in order to reach the water, the entire body wasn’t much bigger than a puddle. It probably was deep enough to submerge my knees and barely large enough to support a variety of small fish. The trees didn’t grow near the pond, they stayed close to ten feet beyond the shore as if they were scared or cautious of the water. Dead leaves scattered the ground all around the pond, and just to the right side from where I was standing, was a small grove. I walked around the pond and through a walkway into the grove. There was an opening that almost made an archway out of tree branches and wood. This little patch of earth was completely void of life, nothing covered the earth but the dead leaves that had abandoned the trees above. Encompassing the opening was thick brush and foliage, almost like wraparound porch on the house I had just left. My breath grew timid and I closed my eyes. I felt a warmth among the cold Earth. This is when I learned how it felt to experience the presence of God.

-Jordan Coles

I wrote this on my phone bc I am away from my computer right now. Sorry about the formatting if it is off. Nobody ever reads these unless I give them the link so I’m sure it won’t matter all that much, but anyways.

Do you remember that time that I was lying by your side

We would prod each other with our elbows and make a corny laugh with every pun

You were so proud of me, you wanted to show me to the world with pictures

“No, I hate pictures” I would whine, you’d smack me “You’re just no fun.”

 Do you remember when you were in pain, I was hurting with you.

I was scared of taking any attention off you that you needed when I would cry.

I broke down beside my brother, “I just want her back” but little did I know

My eyes glistened with tears when you said that you were ready to die

 I certainly remember what it was like to be helpless

The adrenaline that was pumping behind the wheel of my car as I dashed through town

The dial tone that my phone was playing as it lay in the passenger seat

I remember how red covered the white floral night gown

 I remember crying, I remember wishing I was with you

If only that cop hadn’t followed my for speeding, I would’ve had time

That razer called to me from the bottom of the tub, but the officer reached me first

I don’t know if I’m sad, angry, in between. Dammit I’m just not fine

 How the hell could you leave me here like this?

My heart was buried with you that Saturday morning, six feet under dirt

I don’t know what to feel anymore, I don’t know how to feel

All that left is some perfume and in my closet I keep your favorite shirt

 You didn’t leave a letter, nor a voicemail

I call your answering machine just to hear your lovely voice

I wish I heard more than “This is Julie, leave a message after the beep”

But you didn’t give me much of a choice

 Your parent’s are cancelling your phone contract next month

They say it’s time to move on, it’s almost been a year

I guess it really doesn’t matter anymore.

I bought a razor too, so my end is near.

What is it that makes a man?

That’s something I’ve asked myself over and over

How years of “Daddy issues” could lead to what I should and can

Is it how you should get drunk with buds or does a true man stay sober?

 Years of wondering and trying to find this answer

I think I found the X that marks the spot and it has a name

A name that sounds sweet, as if it could cure cancer

A soft melody that rings in your ear, stakes your heart for claim

 Something I want to visit with everyday

Who I want to be best friends with

Someone to help mold the perfect life out of clay

To hold hands with on the day of my death

 The answer is also a rainbow

The rippling color of red, on a piece of velvet as it blows through the wind

Sometimes the answer is blue, as if each tear makes that answer glow

Or yellow, like if God sent the sun to help with the broken heart you are trying to mend.

 It has this amazing smile

A beautiful face too

Though you may be in denial