A Long Lost Hero

Well it seems appropriate that like so many things, South Park continues to be so far ahead of the game. Immediately after I had seen on the internets that Miley had performed, I thought of the old episode during which Britney Spears blows her head off. Not only is she forced to continue on the super star life as the American pop culture but the population at large consumes her. Stan and Kyle try to take her to freedom, they get confronted. And then, the end when the people of south park do a horror-movie-esque sequel tease about Miley. I thought well sh!t they had beaten me to it. 

It is obvious that most everyone has seen the Cyrus Twerk-a-Thon in some respect by now. I guess it was on the VMA's last night. She had the teddybears, the twerking and some goofy crazy I've-been-doing-a-lot-of-molly outfit. Yet, what is the most upsetting thing about it is that it looks sort of awkward and forced? Like if your drunk younger cousin decided to sing karaoke with a creepy uncle? Well, I'll say one thing about Miley, she has conviction even if she looks sort of goofy and weird. Which, she is totally in her right, so don't be mean. Realize that if you are mad and think Miley is acting hyper-sexualized and provocative (Madonna, Michael Jackson, Britney Fucking Spears etc.) all did this in some sort of crazy respect back in the day. It's played, the VMA's are not as fun as they used to be. Moreover MTV can go f*ck itself - show me the music! If they want to keep it as MTV - it should be called Me Television. Me, ME MEE! Last night is totally proof its just a few performers (usually the same ones) sarcastically playing this summers jams and the bougie reaction shots of the haters and other non-performing celebs. Meh generation...

One last thing: Ben Affleck is going to be a sick Batman… 

1.) Ben Affleck is going to be Batman for like the next ten years, please begin to understand that this new movie universe they want to construct; this new idea. Is going to take some time and in the end will build toward their own sort of phenomenon. Keep in mind this doesn't have to be family friendly Avengers bubblegum. So we have to be patient and knowing this and knowing they want longevity and continuity of course they sign an actor who must have to think of this as the role of his life - Ben Affleck. This is his resurrection and golden goose for the foreseeable future. It's awesome. Yes - a lot of pressure, but every nerd says their "I won't go sees" and "Can't believes". It's part of the outfit - a yearning that one day they'd pick you - or your favorite maybe., but one doesn't see ones place. Perhaps with his love of the comic (and inspiration for doing Daredevil really) we'll get a Dark Knight Returns some day that he'll direct or produce. Sky is the limit. Bale even if he came back is too old, he would not hold up and there would be no continuity. Accept this.

2.) I think it is safe to assume that they are not stupid enough to try and engage any sort of Batman origin story in this new film. I'm sure there will be some background, some premise of his appearance all of the mother-fucking sudden, but I don't think they want to reinvent the wheel here. We just had a whole epic Batman saga - enough. Let's show us something new? Like Batman and Superman beating the crap out of each other in the Batcave. It's a start...

About a month ago, I took the opportunity on a thursday night to try the Astoria favorite "The Sparrow." Guy Fieri's suggestion on triple D was the impetus - I was not cool enough to just find it. While the food was decent if not forgettable and not a bargain at all, the major takeaway from this place is the magnificent chatter I was able to over hear. Sitting three or so two-tops away from me were two average looking bougie chicks eating their truffle fries and shuffling arugula around their plates. They were well dressed, approximately 20-22 years of age and looked less than thrilled that this spot didn't have designer quality air conditioning like we all had hoped it would. The steady breeze from outside carried the faint whisps of the beer garden and the din of the room remained at a comfortable buzz - yet through all of this and cutting like a knife I heard: "Yeah I'm pretty sure I peaked at one years old..."

DO – Do try to help people as they navigate the Subway. It is very confusing and they do not need to think that every New Yorker is an asshole.

I once helped a couple of older gentleman as I was getting on the train to go home from work. Both of them were in the mid 40's and looked to be old friends. One of them, a scotsman was an exciting mustachioed bellicose man, while his friend more slender was from the south. He kept commenting on how he loved “Chicago” and how he wanted a 'coney.' I showed him to the hot dog stand. They offered me a two dollar bill. I refused and let on my way. They now know we can be nice.

DO – Give them further directions from the Subway, make them easy to understand and explain that there will be people to help them along the way.

In assisting a young Argentine couple, I directed them to their train and how to catch the bus to Laguardia. As this is on my line it wasn't so hard, but still they needed to be told where to stand and how to catch the bus. Make an effort so that these people don't end up more lost from your shitty directions. Go the extra step.

DO – Recommend amazing NYC Places for them to see, eat and live.

I like to stick to personal favorites that are easily accessible. I will always ask first what they are interested in and then go from there. Stick to the basics; Pizza, Bagels, Dim Sum and Deli. There are plenty of restaurants, but sometimes snacks are more fun and where else can you get these kinds of treats.

DO – Explain to them what they are doing wrong if anything.

If they have every piece of material possession out and in their hands. Tell them thats not a good way to walk around the city.

DO – Lead them if possible.

Take them to the place they are going. Within reason. It will give them a great story, you will feel great and as long as you know more than them you should be okay.

DO NOT – Give them or accept money from them.

That's when things get sticky.

DO NOT – Travel with them beyond their destination.

You may lead them to their next port of call but do not go any further? You don't know everybody.

DO NOT – Bite their heads off for walking too slowly

Do not be outwardly rude to them, unless they warrant it.

DO NOT – Bitch about tourists, if you don't live among them or don't have to deal with them.

If you live in Bushwick or the UWS I am sure your views are much different than mine. I work in Times Square. The holidays are tough, but they aren't terrible. It's only a bit of a walk. Please you aren't fighting with them for subway real estate. Let it go man.

DO NOT – Forget you were once a tourist, if even you have lived here your whole life.

A few Friday nights ago, I got to check out a new movie about upstate New York. Now before you imagine Lake George or Niagra Falls – I would like you to think of that other part of upstate. A depressed and different space that of which time has sort of passed over. This being one of the primary themes of Derek Cianfrance’ new film “A Place Beyond the Pines.”

This movie combines Pulp Fiction and the Godfather into a compelling tale of family in America. The movie stars Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper and Eva Mendes in a moving trip-tic that takes you three generations of two parallel families as they grow. The acting at work here is incredible and Cooper’s portrayal of Avery Cross is a believable tragic hero searching for his spot in a world in the shadow of his father. Without giving too much away, two sons grow to realize their intertwined family history and these two boys steal the show. Dane Deehan and Emory Cohen are two rising stars who bring the final conclusion of this film to an amazing end. There is beautiful work done in the colorization and cinematography. For whatever reason, the scenes that take place in the nineties look warmer and are sepia toned, with plenty of easter eggs from your childhood to reminisce over.

I truly feel lost and a bit alone. Upside is I know why I have these feelings but it’s a bit hard to put into words so here it goes.

 I feel like I am falling behind. Maybe I feel left behind. My best friend got a big girl job and like most people our age started the commute this week. She’ll probably be moving to New York City by the time the leaves start falling and will be going to upscale brunches on Sundays. You can’t hear any of the jealousy in my tone can you?  I went back and forth and decided being jealous is a good thing, in this case at least, because it means that I want what she has. Maybe envious is a better choice, but it’s because I want to be on her level.

I feel like I’m falling behind. The way I see it people are moving away from me, the place where I am, Long Island. I still call LI home while they are starting their lives in Murray Hill, Astoria, and every other place that’s not where I am. Job in the city here, law school in the city, grad school in the city. City, city, city. I even have a friend who does a reverse commute and I couldn’t want to be in his shoes more.

  I’m trying not to sound like a spoiled brat, but these are my feelings so I guess just give me a break. I have a job, I work at a Golf & Country Club on Long Island and as of recently got promoted (with possible raise in tow) from server to the Assistant to the Catering Director.  It’s decently fun; I enjoy the people I work with and it’s not too hard. I just know it is not for me and it is not what I want to be doing. At the end of the day it’s a new experience and its right around the corner from my house. Literally, my place of work is 1.3 miles from my house. That was in the pros column when I weighed the options of the job, but now I feel like I’m going to be stuck here while everyone else is frolicking in the Big Apple.  I guess that the real emotion is the  fear of falling behind. With the exception of one or two of my friends a majority really are going to be gone within the next couple of months and I just feel like I should be doing something too?

I did what I was supposed to I went to a great higher education institution and graduated in four years with both a bachelors and a minor. I just am confused, do I want to volunteer for a program and escape my problems, do I want to go to grad school.  I wish the Tardis was real and Dr. Who could come to me and tell me my future and that everyone is A-Okay, hunky dory, perfectly fine.

  I want more for myself I guess, which is an amazing thing. I am so privileged to be able to have my education and succeed and most likely end up with what I want but yet again here I am behind everyone. I guess I’m a bit disappointed in my self. A year after I graduated I didn’t think this would be my life is.

No, not every date one plans goes according to plan. Sometimes one arrives a bit late, perhaps one forgot to check his or her teeth for spinach or poppy seeds, maybe you even called the date by the wrong name. For the purposes of this next entry; these dates all share one common thread. We never both never made it passed the first one. Let awkward silences and bizarre experiences ensue!

Caitlin – Hell or High Watermelon

Admittedly, my second date off of OKCupid was with a girl of whom I chose because of her selection of profile picture. Not that she had a boob out, or was a totally fucking smoke show. Rather, It featured one of my most favorite summertime wheat ales - 21st Amendment's Hell or High Watermelon. Sometimes a chick of taste is important? Now what can be said about this beer is that is indeed refreshing, it has a bit of a unique flavor and its very easy to drink. None of this holds true with regards to the girl I met; Caitlin a curly, red haired young lady, who was about my age, living on Long Island and trying to be a person. While her studies primarily focused on literature which totally was interesting 'sounding' enough, her actual personality was that of a bad knock-off sparkling wine. It reminds you just enough of actual champagne; the shape and beauty of the vessel, the ebullience and the taste enough to just be annoying. Yeah she was cool, but.

I met her sitting on the front bench of the bar. You may know this place if you know me, its called The Lark. If you don't know about it, it's awesome. So she is sitting out in front of the bar on the smokers bench. Yet she was not smoking or smiling. I was running a bit late but not rudely so, and I had already communicated this. When I got out of my car and walked over to her at the entrance of the bar, she stood. I went in for the handshake and she shot me down, quickly explaining that she did not want to shake or hug because she was just beginning to get sick. Now here is where things took a turn for the worse. Who in their right mind is like “Ya know what, I feel like shit! I'm gonna still go on this fucking date though.” I asked myself this question and sort of knew we were doomed from the get-go.

Whenever you walk inside The Lark it is difficult to not be overwhelmed by the selection and the memories. If you are a first timer it is even more intimidating, there are always solid taps and a cask. Anywhere between 16 to 21 beers on tap at any given time and a friendly staff to remember your tasted and shine upon you eyeopening wonders. Yet rather than join me in this quest – this chick orders a glass of water; again siting her eminent sickness and looking pitiful. Having seen her profile pic which quite literally was 'beer in hand' style, I have to admit I was sort of shocked. I did feel sort of bad at the very beginning because I could see that although her picture maybe had indicated a bit of cuteness. There was a lot less in reality and that 'the face ' I thought she was making in the picture, just turned out to be her actual face. Yikes. Also I didn't know if this girl was gaming me? Being gamed by an ugly girl is pretty emasculating.

We began speaking and I was making decent small talk. She looked mostly nervous and talked about her older brother. I am cool with talking about family, but to what extent does a first date have to be discussion of ones whole childhood. Lets keep this simple, flirtatious and perhaps make out at the end. My childhood didn't have any of those qualities, so lets stick to what this is actually is; a more fun version of a job interview. So in the line of questioning, one develops in the dating world (in order to have any fun anyway) one must always be asking questions.

As you know I am indeed interested in the world of online dating. So naturally I would want to talk about this with her. When I probed further into this poor girl about her past experience with okcupid.com she explained that this was in fact her first date. I felt pretty bad about this whole situation as I did not feel I lived up to the expectations of this troglodytic, fire croched, book expert, so I began feeling a little guilty.

At that same time – the ugliest girl on okcupid to ever message me, spotted me at the lark and messaged me during the date. She had discovered my attempt to date this new broad and inquired within. I was shocked, embarrassed and more than a lot confused. I then said “you know it's a shame you got sick tonight because you're cute and its a nice night for making out in the parking lot.” She looked bemused and a little taken a back, yet I could see now her runny nose and watery eyes. I could see that she was not well. She excused herself for the bathroom.

The ugly girl, who had sent me this message, kept looking over at me. Now alone, at the end of the bar. I figured she thought this was her opportunity. Yet, I am not dumb enough to make eye contact with a person like that. I couldn't instigate that whole mess. Caitlin returned over to the end of the bar, grabbed her things and began saying goodbye.

“I had a really nice time, I just think it's best if I go home right now” she said. I could see she had cleaned herself up considerably and that she was just hoping to make it home. I said my goodbye and starred into my beer and drank of it. Repeating this motion like a motorized animatronic of typical boy at typical bar, drinking typical beer. But that girl never ever came over to me.

Dayna – Boring Lunch Date

I'll keep this one short because it was in fact pretty short. I wanted to meet this girl for a lunch date because it is more economical, you can get a good understanding of the person and I am a horny bastard? Her name was Dayna and she was from the L.E.S. - no, not that Dana.

She worked for a publisher in Midtown and was free to make a date on friday. I rode over there on my razor as it was a beautiful day and waiting out in front for her to arrive. We met at typical lunch spot that I had heard of called 'Cafe Duke.' Now if you're from New York and familiar with Midtown NY especially, you are familiar with these large food court-eque establishments that offer delicious fare from all around the world. You pay by the pound? Good salads? Anyway – this girl and me grab our grub and sit down at a table in the back to eat. I got some good korean bowl and she got some sort of a salad thing. We talked and tried to make conversation but my general trend of asking a lot of questions backfired – she was know asking me all of the questions. I was talking and rambling and excited by her cuteness. This was not good. She had this look of contempt on her face and we both just didn't seem to be clicking.

We left and I was walking with her back over to 7th ave. I was carrying my scooter at the time and she seemed more amused by it than anything else. After having professed my love for it I think is when I truly lost her and I could see her start to crack up at me for being a six foot tall grown ass man riding a razor scooter around midtown manhattan. I am much more wary of bringing my scooter on first dates after this incident.

Jessica – Silver Linings Playbook

No, I did not bring my scooter on this one. Which turned out to be a good decision because, this was my favorite first date of the set. I met her in front of the Astoria movie theater in the first week of December, and we went in to go see the movie 'Silver Linings Playbook.' While this movie was really quite awesome, her company was even awesomer.

Jessica was about 5'6” with variations of dark and lighter colored brown hair. She had beautiful big green eyes and was a wonderful conversationalist. Jessica didn't know it but she was the eldest girl I had dated since moving out of my parents house. She was 26 and I was still 23 at the time. I don't think she appreciated the age difference. I was good about asking a ton of questions and doting on her in the bar. We made out later on the walk home to her apartment on the streets of my new home in Astoria. While I was pretty clear about the fact that I thought she was amazing, I am pretty confident that Jess did not have these feelings in return. She was almost too cool to consider that an option. Imagine a designer for Calvin Klein from Hawaii, who'd been in the city and was a gamer. I was just being put through the paces.

We parted ways at the end of spirited make out, but me being a sad and sometimes unknowing fellow – texted her a bit too much. Over the course of a few months, I indeed kept my distance. A few times we got close to hanging out but to no avail. About 6 weeks ago, I asked her out for the last time. She then after having giving me an idea either way told me that she was seeing someone and just not into it. Yet would somehow like to remain friends. In my opinion friends either show up or they don't. They wouldn't lead you on for weeks at a time, nor would they blow you off.

We’ve all seen the jokes on TV and the internet. The childhood version of Peter Griffin at the museum asks, “Why did the dinosaurs die?”--”BECAUSE YOU TOUCH YOURSELF AT NIGHT!” Bachelor Frog. Spiderman just sitting there, masturbating. We laugh, but this is actually a very serious topic. I am going to tell you why you shouldn’t be masturbating, what the benefits of not masturbating are, and how to begin your quest towards what I promise will be a more vibrant and fulfilling life. I’m not going to talk about how it’s morally wrong, and that God sees you and that you’re going to Hell, I’m going to point out how ridiculous an activity it is, list many of the ways it’s actually harmful.

 By now most of you have probably seen the awful, silly commercials about the guy with “Low T,” how he just sits there as a shadow of his former self on the sidelines, watching life pass him by. The guy is older, has lower testosterone and lacks the energy and sex drive he used to have. Well guess what, that shit’s real. As we get older, our testosterone levels drop. You man not be at the level where you need to take one of those “low T” pills, but when you masturbate, you’re doing that to yourself. You could be living life with more vigor, more umph, more passion…

  I think that all of us can agree that Romantic Comedies are awful films. They stereotype their characters, they oversimplify complex, real-life problems, and they’re so overly predictable that you can figure out the entire plot after the first 5-10min. Have you ever heard girls talking about Romantic Comedies? Betches love that shit. Why? Because it feeds their hunger for sappy, lovey-dovey, happily ever after romance. But it gives them unrealistic expectations. Those movies are detrimental to relationships because then us real life guys are held up to the standard of some love-sick character made up by some bad Hollywood hack, played by some handsome A-lister with a six-pack who in real life has women constantly fawning all over him. Looking at you, Ryan Gosling.

Porn is the same thing for guys: it gives us unrealistic expectations while satisfying our base hunger for sex. Girls everywhere are thinking, “Where is my Prince Charming?” while guys out there are thinking, “Where is my insatiable whore?” Porn is warping your view of women. You probably rationalize to yourself that looking at girls online as sex objects keeps you from treating girls in real life like pieces meat. “I don’t want to be like those douche bags at the club who stare, slap asses, use women in bed and then never speak to them again. Porn helps me keep a handle on desires, it helps me control myself.”

  Sure, jerking off tones you down, but it’s not because it gives you satisfaction. You think you feel a release from all the frustration and anxiety you were feeling before, but really that’s just the addictive dopamine from the orgasm temporarily masking the pain receptors in your brain. Whenever you masturbate, when you orgasm, you simultaneously release all the testosterone you’ve been building up in your system along with those other hormones. You lose all the Man juices your body was stockpiling in exchange for a few moments of pleasure. You’re not “calm” or “relaxed,” you’ve robbed yourself of your drive! Testosterone is what gives you your Manliness; it gives you the energy to do strenuous activities, it gives you your sex drive, it’s what gives you a sense of competition, it gives you your confidence. By depleting your testosterone, you’ve emptied your tank, dumped your mojo, taken a  back seat...  Two wolves are sitting in the forest, one of them is masturbating, the other one is not. Guess which one is the Alpha, and which is the Beta.

  Let’s stop and think for a minute about the most manly guys out there, those iconic heroes that Men can look up to. We got James Bond, Clint Eastwood, Mickey Rourke, Batman, Superman, Ron Swanson, Tyler Durden, Mr. T, King Leonidas… Can you envision any of these men/characters masturbating?

Does Bruce Wayne sit in the Batcave at his super computer to look at videos of Selina Kyle? Does Superman sit in his fortress of solitude and touch himself while thinking of Lois Lane? Can we imagine Mickey Rourke’s character “Marv” in Frank Miller’s “Sin City” having ever masturbated in his entire life? …No, of course not. And it seems shamefully silly to try and think of these guys doing that. It’s not a very manly activity.

How do you think James Bond is such a confident, casual lover? No, not because he’s a spy (the girls don’t always know that). It’s because he’s so busy jetting around the world fighting international terror plots that when he lands he needs to pump a load into whatever beautiful woman he lays his eyes on.

  “But girls in real life aren’t as hot as girls in porn.”

  http://imgur.com/a/ynkv8 ...Is that a fact? Girls in porn are just average (and sometimes less than average) women who are so pathetically untalented or unable to make money that they whore out their bodies and do disgustingly depraved acts with strangers that self respecting women would only do with trusted lovers. Sure, there are some people who are into nasty, anonymous, raunchy sex, and if that’s your thing, then good for you! There are swingers clubs and orgy parties out there. Go get some!--IN REAL LIFE. It’s like The Matrix. “What is real? How do you define ‘real?’ If you’re talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.” You’ve been living in a dream world. You get your excitement, your stimulation, your pleasure from digital images and sounds.

  You are cheating yourself out of your life. The Foo Fighters have a song that goes, “Is someone getting the best of you?” Well, you’re taking the best of yourself, your experiences, your life, and giving it to a girl on the internet you will never, ever meet. You’re wasting yourself. Worse than that, you’re getting off to someone else’s good time. Not something new either, but something from months or years ago. You’re touching yourself to recorded footage of other people actually having the real fun. Stop satisfying your immediate urges in exchange for accomplishing the real thing.

  If you eliminate the option of jerking off from your life, you will find that your sex drive will build and build and build. When you can’t go home and take care of yourself at the end of the night, you’ll find that you strive that much harder to get laid when you’re out with your friends. Asking that girl at the bar or the gym for her number or asking a girl to go out to dinner with you is suddenly not so hard. It comes naturally. You’ll be doing with confidence. You won’t care if she says “no” or not because you’ll know that it’s the only way anything will ever happen, that you have nothing to lose, and if not now, when.

  Not masturbating gives you SO MUCH confidence! It also gives you an awesome amount of willpower. After a week+ of not cumming, I feel like the Hulk in the gym. I feel like the Batman when he’s on one of his rages. You are so full of potential energy and passion, emotions are more vibrant. Yeah, blue-balls sucks, but it’s another drop in the testosterone bucket, and the next day, you feel that much more alive. You will sleep better—everyone thinks that masturbating helps you sleep. That’s wrong. You may fall asleep faster by tricking your brain into slipping into different waves, but you will be better rested and more energized after less sleep when you don’t jerk off.

  You will be surprised just how much more free time you have when you make the decision to cut masturbation out of your life. You may only take 15-30mins to jerk off, but afterwards you have no energy to do anything except nap or veg out on the couch and watch movies (usually cartoons). There will be more energy and time to go for a run or lift. You only need 45min for a good workout every day, and if you’re not masturbating, finding the time to do that during the day or at night will be easy. If you’re not jerking off before bed, you’ll be more resetd with less sleep, you’ll be able to get up earlier for a morning run. You may even be able to lift after work before dinner. That’s how all those guys you know who look so fit and get all the girls do it, they don’t jerk off.

  I don’t claim to be an expert on sex, but I know it’s not supposed to be something you do by yourself. You may not believe me, maybe you’re not buying into what I have to say, but there are literally tens of thousands of guys out there who have found that not masturbating has changed and transformed their lives. Go to Reddit. Check out /r/NoFap. Look at all of the success stories.

  Let’s review what we just covered: Masturbating isn’t very manly, none of our heroes or masculine examples do it. Masturbating cuts down on your testosterone, depriving you of your energy, drive, passion, and decreases the full experience of your life. Not jerking off will help you sleep better, give you more confidence, more energy, more powerful emotions, increase your willpower, your sex drive, and improve your life all around. I promise your life will become more exciting if you stop masturbating. You think I’m wrong? Take the NoFap 90 Day Challenge. Prove me wrong. Go 90 days straight without masturbating once. If you jerk off, your count goes back to 0 (zero).  You will see just how dependent you are on jerking off, how habitual it is. You will also see how much your life improves without it. You won’t want to go back. It’ll be tough, and you won’t make it on the first try, but give it a shot.

  A fight is going on inside me. It is a great and terrible struggle between two wolves. One is evil; he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good; he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside of you, and inside of every other person, too. “Which one will win,” you ask? ...the one you feed.

  The task I have set before you is not an easy one. We are constantly bombared all around us by sexual images in ads and commercials, tv shows and movies. With the internet at our fingertips, it is so easy find sexual content. This is a true test of your willpower. I have found it’s best to keep my computer in a common room of my apartment, like the living room to avoid the temptation of looking at it when I’m alone. It feels so great to be able to share my laptop with friends and not have to worry about my internet history anymore.

  Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken, and the habits that took years to build do not take a day to change... You may be excited, like Luke Skywalker, defiantly claiming, “I am not afraid,” but “You will be... You will be.” Just remember, as great Jedi Master Yoda said, “Do, or Do Not. There is no ‘Try’.” Don’t misunderstand me; you will relapse. And when you do, that release of dopamine and endorphins will make your task that much harder. It’s like going back to square one. You were doing the Mona Lisa on an Etch-A-Sketch, and then you shook it clean and now you have nothing to show for it. But I believe in you. You have the strength to go the distance. Unplug.

Dear Faceless Person,

No - in fact it hadn't occurred to US at ALL! On behalf of all the guys here, thanks I guess our branding is working?

I guess you are one of those nice guys aye? You talk to girls and have tons of chick friends? You make them feel comfortable with you, maybe you even hangout with them alone. They tell you about their love life and then you cringe on the inside? Then maybe one night you get too drunk and try to make out with them someplace. Your awkward tongue mambo, leaves her no choice but to throw her off of you. She looks at you and says - "I don't think about you that way.." You look back in awe and explain all the reasons you love her and feel entitled to her body after all those "dates" you had? Here's to you being a nice guy and finishing last!

In conclusion please choke on a dick, step on a lego barefoot and enjoy a rectal massage from an alligator. We claim no aspirations to "coolness" or "trendiness" here. The blog is what WE like and that alone.  We've been waiting to answer hate mail for a minute now and writing this to you gave myself at least one hell of an epic erection!

In honor of the anniversary of the Earl of Sandwich's death this week, we hoped to share with you 5 of our favorite sandwiches from all over. Have some you'd like to tell us about? Or maybe even an argument for another sandwiches inclusion? We welcome your input!

ZB Picks

Princess Deli - Standard scrambled egg, well done bacon and cheese on a roll.

Living in California one of the things I’ve come to miss the most besides pizza and bagels is a good NY deli. They are almost non-existent out here and when I go to the good ones that I know of, the prices are super jacked up and the food is mediocre at best. In New York I could walk into any deli on the street and get a banging egg sammy for under $4.00. That’s just not the world I live in anymore. Egg sandwich’s out here cost anywhere between $7-$9 at my local delis/diners/cafes and are not made on a greasy stove-top behind the register in 5 minutes like they should be. It’s a major bummer. Nothing about this deli really stands out against other deli’s in the area other than it’s my neighborhood deli. I walk in, they know who I am, I know the guy making it for me, and I know what I’m getting anytime. You can get an egg sandwich from any deli, but something about your deli makes it that much better.

Princess Deli

1151 Jericho Tpke

Commack, NY 11725 

  Capriotti's - “The Bobbie” Homemade Turkey, cranberry sauce, stuffing and mayo.

I think as far as eating goes, everyone’s favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. Well this is that day all in one bite. Taken straight from Yelp "The Bobbie Thanksgiving sandwich is one of life's greatest joys."And I have to agree. The turkey is so moist it almost melts in your mouth. The stuffing taste just like it does on that special Thursday and the cranberry and mayo mix together to create this special blended sauce that is just impeccable. The only flaw I find in the sandwich is that there is no option for gravy on the side. At the same time, the sandwich holds up against it’s own and doesn’t necessarily need, said gravy.

Capriotti's

9683 Wilshire Blvd

Beverly Hills, CA 90212

  Mendocino Farm - Tie: “Not so fried chicken” & Kurobutta Pork Belly Banh Mi.

The reason this is a tie is because both sandwiches are just that damn good. Sometimes you’re in the mood for chicken other times your in the mood for pork. Usually what I do is I go with a friend and try to pursued them to get the other sandwich and then we go halfzies, when it works it’s a flawless move.

The Not so Fried chicken is actually shaved roasted free-range chicken, smothered in their amazing chipotle BBQ sauce. They put these “Krispies” as they like to call it on the sammy that make it taste and feel like your eating fried chicken, when in reality your not. It’s honestly a game-changer. Have the deliciousness of fried chicken while eating healthy roasted chicken at the same time! Okay, I don’t know if it is actually healthier, but it’s got to be better than regular fried chicken. Am I right? I’m right. 

As for the pork belly, well, it’s pork belly. Enough said. 

Mendocino Farms

7100 Santa Monica Blvd., Suite 195

West Hollywood, CA 90046

Food+Lab - Grilled organic chicken Avocado w/ queso blanco and sundried tomato.

As soon as I bite into this sandwich I taste the freshness of the ingredients and my taste buds are overcome with delicious flavor. You can clearly taste the difference with these ingredients. Organic chicken, and California avocados not much else you need. The bread is a warmly toasted cibatta that complaints and holds the inners together in a perfect way. This may be my favorite sandwich in LA. 

Food+Lab

WEST HOLLYWOOD

7253 Santa Monica Blvd.

West Hollywood, CA 90046 

http://foodlab-la.com/ 

Dad - Meatball-parm Sandwich

An Italian father should be strong, assertive, loving, reprimanding and know how to make delicious meatballs. My father does all these things like no one else I know. The meatballs this man makes, makes my mouth water like very few things in this world do. I don’t know his exact recipe but I do know a few things about them. Obviously he makes them from scratch. Freshly grounded up beef, seasoned with some Parmesan cheese and then cooked however he cooks them. Like his meatballs, he makes his gravy from scratch as well (Italians call sauce gravy.) He toast some Italian or white bread, whatever is around the house, throws on some sauce, cuts up the meatballs and were good to go here. Nothing fancy, just good old home-cooked meatballs made with love, nothing can beat it. 

   AJ Picks

Vanessa's Dumplings - Roast Duck Sesame Pancake

Only available at the Eldridge Street Location. It's not even 4 bucks. The crunchy sesame pancake its a great home for the veggies and the duck. It's a wild thing to eat after stumbling out of Fontanas. While some may consider this a very loose interpretation of the sandwich. It is meat and veg between carbohydrate. Get over yourself!

Vanessa's Dumplings

118A Eldridge St

(212) 625-8008

  Sweet Afton - The Bua Fried Chicken Sandwich 

A crispy and juicy fried chicken breast between white toast with spicy cole slaw. It's an experience. It goes great with a Rye Root Beer. Fried Chicken has always been a favorite food and the fact that its served with grain mustard and a stack of pickles doesn't hurt either.

Sweet Afton

30-09 34th St

Astoria, NY 11103

The Lark – The Prime Time - Steak, Cheese, Onion Rings, BBQ Sauce on a Hoagie Roll

A happy hour and trivia night classic. This once great sandwich was the pinnacle of steak sandwich achievement. Thick cut steak, homemade spicy cheese sauce on a once great and delicious role. Since the beginning of this calendar year; The Lark has since come into new management and it was around this time that the sandwich began to change. Originally being served on a generous hoagie or hero roll, the sandwich is no served on a toasted ciabatta roll.

The Lark

93 Larkfield Rd

East Northport, NY 11731

Cafe O - Bacon Egg Avocado and Cheese  

Every payday I splurge and get this sandwich from the deli below my office. It's my own little treat and it makes me in deed feel good about myself. The gentlemen who prepare it for me always know exactly how I like everything, however I determine the cooking of the egg at the counter. Mostly I go scrambled....

Cafe O

130 W 42nd St

New York, 10036

DiNi's - Roast Pork Sandwich.

There is one sandwich which is not of the strict Orthodox deli classics, but a true Italian alternative with a following that rivals the Philly Cheesesteak. It's awesome. I thank Adam Richman of Man V. Food for showing the world this. When I got it, I thought about you. Sometimes, I just say stupid shit on twitter that gets misinterpreted...