thought dump â need some headspace
Uhmmm... whenever I try to write stuff like this I donât know how to start. Anyway, I just needed a place to write my thoughts and feelings other than my journal. Basically, I just need to get these emotions out of my chest and out to the world. When Iâm faced with days like this, I usually tell my closest friends but itâs been happening frequently and honestly I think theyâre getting tired of it â or I think itâs more appropriate to say theyâre getting tired of me â which is why Iâm back here on tumblr after abandoning this place years ago. Iâm frustrated at everything, ESPECIALLY at myself. I know before that I faced a lot of self-doubt and self-hatred but lately the amount and extent of the two is extreme that Iâm surprised. Surprised that I at least improved in something. HAHAHA A close friend of mine told me once that the thoughts of wanting to be dead does not ever go away... half a year later I told her that what she said was indeed true (well, maybe for my case it was). Come the new year, I felt like I was a new person. I started to see the brighter side of things again and this time with a different kind of perspective. Thatâs when I thought that maybe thereâs a possiblity that it does goes away. Oh boy, was I wrong. Because let me tell you right now, the thought is back. Itâs back and itâs screwing me and my mind. Although, I donât have the same strong feeling I had back then, itâs back with a different look. Itâs become more of a feeling of wanting to ACTUALLY feel some kind of pain. I know this is bad which is why Iâm doing everything that I can to resist the urge of executing it. Iâm back to my regular meditating but somehow it still feels like itâs not enough. The same goes with journaling. I have never posted on my social media about this, but tumblr is an exception... I think. LOL Well, maybe because no one close to me or who knows me in real life would see this. I just really need to get this out of my system. Writing on my journal inside the bus isnât really feasible so I had to post here. Sorry if I bored you to death. This post isnât meant for you, itâs more for me. Work isnât really helping me either. The amount of pressure Iâm getting is taking a toll on me. Some of my co-workers are jerks and arenât really conducive to bettering my mental health. But none of them knows it. Heck, I donât think anyone knows this. I actually want to take a sick leave but I donât know how to ask permission to my manager about it. Itâs not like I can just walk up to her and say âGood day Ms.â Is it okay for me to take a sick leave on Friday? Iâm not really doing well mentally the past few weeks.â I donât have anyone else to confide to âexcept myself and the anonymous world of tumblr of course. I donât really tell my family about my problems. Theyâre faced with a lot of problems already I donât want to add myself to the list. And again as I mentioned earlier I donât want my closest friends to actually say to me that their sick of their emotional friend and doesnât want to listen to her whine anymore. I just pretend Iâm okay when they ask me how Iâm doing lately. So yeah... Sorry again. Also, I think i just lost a friend, because of a HUGE misunderstanding. And Iâm afraid that if I say anything sheâll just take it in a bad way and everything I try to fix it will only make it worse. Moreover, I have no guts to confront her about this, which is why Iâm just avoiding her. All in all To sum up everything Iâm feeling lately: I JUST WANT TO DISAPPEAR FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH. I donât know what my purpose is in life. Iâm trying to find it REALLY but right now I just feel like a worthless piece of shit that doesnât really deserve anything. Thatâs how I feel. Yep. I hope I get better though. Hopefully. This is just a bad day, right? Sorry again. Iâm just really sorry. - J















