Recovery is hard

One of Washoe’s caretakers was pregnant and missed work for many weeks after she miscarried. Roger Fouts recounts the following situation:

“People who should be there for her and aren’t are often given the cold shoulder—her way of informing them that she’s miffed at them. Washoe greeted Kat [the caretaker] in just this way when she finally returned to work with the chimps. Kat made her apologies to Washoe, then decided to tell her the truth, signing “MY BABY DIED.” Washoe stared at her, then looked down. She finally peered into Kat’s eyes again and carefully signed “CRY”, touching her cheek and drawing her finger down the path a tear would make on a human (Chimpanzees don’t shed tears). Kat later remarked that one sign told her more about Washoe and her mental capabilities than all her longer, grammatically perfect sentences.“ [23]

after the death of her children, researchers were determined to have Washoe raise a baby and brought in a ten month chimpanzee named Loulis. one of the caretakers went to Washoe’s enclosure and signed “i have a baby for you.” Washoe became incredibly excited, yelling and swaying from side to side, signing “baby” over and over again. then she signed “my baby.”

the caretaker came back with Loulis, and Washoe’s excitement disappeared entirely. she refused to pick Loulis up, instead signing “baby” apathetically; it was clear that the baby she thought she was getting was going to be Sequoyah. eventually Washoe did approach Loulis, and by the next day the two had bonded and from then on she was utterly devoted to him.

When we refer to people like you as “Homophobic” I want to be clear what we’re saying here.  This is not a judgment of your intent.  We are not describing you as a hateful person, as an aggressive or violent person.  But we are saying that your actions and your attitudes participate in and reinforce a system of rhetoric that encourages violence against LGBT people, and, far, far more importantly, that forces millions of LGBT people to live in shame.

That’s really what this comes down to.  Not hate.  Not violence.  Shame.

Consider the point purely theologically.  Jesus tells us that to desire a sinful thing is as bad as to act on that desire.  My lusting after another mans wife is as bad as actually sleeping with her.  My genuine desire to hurt someone is as bad as actually hurting them.

So when you tell me that loving another man is a sin, you’re not just talking about physical acts of intimacy.  You don’t get to draw the line there.  You don’t get to pretend that I can be bisexual so long as I never actually physically act on it (which is already a terrible burden to place on someone).  You’re saying that every time I look at a guy and imagine how soft his lips would be, or think about how beautiful his eyes are, I am sinning.  I am a sinner every time a dude walks past me with a tight sweater on that shows of his arms.  Every time he has nice hair or a nice smile.

My love, according to you, is a sin.  That is the burden you are forcing people to live under.  That burden forced me so deep into the closet that I didn’t even know I was there.  It forced me to repress every genuine feeling of sexual attraction for other men, and to live for years with those feelings straining to get out, whilst I struggled with the constant guilt and shame that came from having those thoughts.

And I am one of the lucky ones, because I’m alive to have this conversation.  Because for many, many LGBT people that guilt and shame manifests as self-harm, substance abuse, low esteem that leads them into abusive relationships, and very often suicide.