lolamore

I don’t remember when it started.

I know exactly where I was.

.

All I can recall is looking up to the blue sky; the bright Sun warming up my stone cold heart and deflecting my guilt of not attending my mother’s funeral. As I laid alone on the brown-ish autumn grass, inhaling the rest of what was my fifth joint of the afternoon, I remember thinking “The weight of the world could fall directly on me”. Instead, all I felt falling was a drop of rain.

.

There should be a study on why it rains on every All Souls Day. It’s already a depressing-ass day; going to the cemetery to talk to an old piece of stone, so why all the cliched drama? I took the usual path to her grave, through her favourite bougainvillea tree.

Losing my best friend wasn’t easy. I thought of killing myself every day for a whole year. Yet, somehow, she didn’t let me do it. I would see her on my way to work, inside my closet at night, at my drug dealer's place and she would always have this soothing look on her face that would tell me to keep going. She stopped appearing to me once I started to take my meds and to cut off the drugs.

When she was still alive, I used to take a picture of every bougainvillea tree I’d found and send it to her. “It isn’t like the one in the graveyard!”, she used to reply. Only after she passed away did I recognize why this one was so unique indeed. To keep the tradition on, I took a branch of the tree that was filled with purple flowers and marched towards her grave.

As I approached her tumulus, I saw her laying on top of it. Although, it didn’t quite resemble her.

I started to feel dizzy, as if I was high. But I've been sober for years now and I had taken my antipsychotics medication that morning. Suddenly, it wasn’t raining anymore.

.

What started with a drop became a torrential rain. The raindrops must have washed my stoned state away and switched to an annoying melancholy condition. I was getting wet and also flustered, so I sank my fingers in the now moisty grass and shouted “She didn’t even love me, why do I care so much!?”

“How dare you say I didn’t love you?”, I shouted back to that human form.

When I rose from the ground, shocked by the sudden voice inside my ears, I realized I wasn’t alone anymore.