Memoir Of A Nobody

RE

Liquor, so much better than just a beer. I am carefree, having fun, and shit faced! Hey this one isn’t illegal I’m over 21 now! Driving the country backroads isn’t just a line in a county song, it’s real. Small towns what else is there to do? Drink and ride around! Not drinking and driving though, DARE warned us about that, not driving in while skitz out of your mind though, that’s safe. From throwing bottles on the road to hear the break, to using park restrooms bc of course I have to pee! I’m sure if people would’ve been around they probably would’ve gotten a good laugh. One time the back of my mini skirt was tucked into my panties and I thought I looked hot as hell dancing out of the restroom! I fell numerous times, a few even made me laugh! I got bruises I didn’t remember getting, I cried bc it made me speak truth, I felt a small weight off my shoulders. Hmm feels good, not caring about anything or anyone and laughing at myself. Perfect! Skip to March of said year. That’s right a beer baby was on the way. How ??? How could I have been so stupid??? I didn’t live this guy, honestly I was using him, still treating people like I was treated, not the best one of my plans. I absolutely do not regret my baby boy who will be 18 this year, I always called the surprise pregnancies as a glorious gift from God, and little did I know this little baby was what I needed! I stopped everything. I had a purpose! I will never be alone again! I love this baby so much how can he not love me too? He actually does love me, and how blessed I’ve been.

The guy decided to leave and it was just me and my baby boy! I was determined, he will have a better life… I will tell him every day thousands of time that I love him. If he plays. Sport I will be his biggest fan at every game no matter what. He will know love, support, and will get attention, maybe too much of it!

This little boy of mine that has grown and grown. Was so sweet, he loves helping people and animals, he definitely has so much love to give! I taught him that! I’m proud.. he played football and I never missed a game, not one. He later became a trainer for the team after an injury, I’ve been to every one of his games, I’ll always be his biggest fan at anything he does and loves! He had that, that of which I didn’t.

When my baby boy was too small to ever remember I met a man, he offered some of that ice stuff, I’m not an addict I can just do it once and I’m good. Yeah ok, icee became my new friend again. Yes I always thought of that baby and felt horrible, he deserved better, I’m broken! This demons said more and I will feel better, I think they repeated that several times before I was actually having fun and not wanting to go home. But keep in mind, I’m not an addict I’ll have some fun and stop. Yeah , well guess what?!?! God saved me again with a beautiful blessing. My daughter, I stopped cold turkey even after being told not to, it never bothered me before, this time was no different, a little withdrawal meanness and I’m good. Before getting pregnant my ex found out I was tweaked out of my mind and called cps. I never did it around him, in the area he was, or touched him after doing any, I was scared it would seep from my skin to his. Not sure if that’s a thing. After getting pregnant stopping for the heath of my baby, her dad left bc he couldn’t stop, great alone and unloved again. See a pattern yet? But I was good and the case closed against me, I got on depression medication that my doctor prescribed and said was safe, I felt better and again was determined to get my shot together, and I did. I didn’t want that illegal happiness anymore or the legal burden me that made me an idiot. Nope I had Prozac and it worked, my anxiety even lessened, whoohoo!

I never got back with her dad, and he eventually sold to an undercover federal agent. He was locked up for a while, he has since gotten out and has done amazing for himself, he’s failed my daughter a couple times, but whatever, she couldn’t care less. She has her mommy, we fight, argue../ but she’s my mini me! Can you guess what!?!? I’ve been to everyone of her sporting events so far and plan on being there for rest. She knows she has my support and love. She looks for me at every event and she finds me everytime, the smile she gives me is so much more than I deserve. What a blessing.

After high school is really where things went the totally wrong way. Both in a month just a day apart, I lost a sweet school mate, and my uncle whom I was close with, he had diabetes so I helped take care of him. Trigger, I’m also missing my first ever best friend and another uncle who I was close with as well, he passed when I was young and don’t remember too much, just that I wanted to be in the room with him and was told no, apparently because he was hooked up to a lot of things and my aunt thought it would traumatize me. I again never got to say goodbye.

This is where we cue my first interaction with drugs. I often hear people call Mary Jane a “gateway” drug, let me tell you this was absolutely not the case with me. I didn’t want to be stoned and just there, no I wanted to feel happy and alive. Enter the white snow. I had a job a I moved into an apartment, I was alone. Happened to run into this guy and he gave me some attention. He talked , hung out, and one day he pulls that snow out and asked if I trusted him, I did… I thought I did at that time. We did a whole 8 ball in one night, omg what was that feeling??? I didn’t care about the past, I felt a feeling I don’t remember feeling…. Was this … yea I was happy! I was smiling and felt great.

Days, weeks, months went by, this was my drug, the happy powder! I met new people, they liked me, or maybe just my car, doesn’t matter I wasn’t alone and I was happy. Wasn’t I? I learned that doing said drug made me open up and talk, laugh, cry, didn’t matter I didn’t feel like my life sucked! I had a lot in common with one of the girls and we became good friends, we both got clean for a while , she got pregnant, I was alone, hey I remember something that won’t allow me to care, reenter Snow White. I had this handled I quit before I could quit again, I’m not an addict because I can quit! Aren’t we loving those demons??? They are so convincing.

Let’s speed up a tiny bit, now I have new friends, thanks to this one chick we hung around and asked me to drive her to this dudes house, not her dude anymore! I just didn’t care, I was hurt so much that I figured why not soo some hurting? Hey wait, what’s this stuff? It’s clearish not white like snow! *shrugs* different place , different people, maybe it was just a version of snow that I didn’t know about. Oh my that freaking burned! That was weird. I feel weird, not bad , not good, just confusing. Oh we write after taking it! Bet I love to write! Wait what day is it?? Friday??? How yesterday’s was just Monday! How freaking long have I been awake?

Oh well, we are having a non stop party! I have friends again!!! We’re they really friends? I call them fake friends, at this point I could get money when I needed it, they had no money , we shared this new icy looking drug. Oh well I’m not alone and I think they actually like me! But do they? This time this fiasco went on for months. I dropped so much weight that my pants were falling off of me, but can’t buy new pants, I need this stuff to make me popular, loved, excepted.

Days and nights awake… can lead to some crazy stuff. Before I saw my own crazy stuff I watched others, and thought “man they have a problem they do too much” but not me , no problem here . Remember I quit snow, I can do this too if I wanted. I wasn’t an addict. More days and nights passed. Who said that??? Omg are they talking about me? Is this dude really banging someone in the living room while I’m in his bed? What are they saying , I just heard my name. They are going to hurt me and deceive me. Oh yes the ice goblin got me! I was hearing shit that wasn’t real, not another soul was there, they left to get more. It seemed so real, it had to be real, I’m not trippin like them others.

I’ve come to realize some things… my life just flat out sucks!

Chapter 1: Fake!

I remember always longing for love, affection, and happiness, even as a child. My mom and dad didn’t do the I love yous then, they would often show their love by buying me things. I got to be a teen and realized that.I wanted to hear I love you to know I was important to them, just never got it. Little did I know that’s where it all starts.

I suffer from depression, anxiety, and the fear of being alone with my thoughts and which from here on out will be known as “the demons”, because that exactly what they are. They destroy a person, making them miserable and self destructive! Yet still try and seek the love and affection they didn’t have. Demons can alter your way of seeing yourself. Mine have made me feel unloved, ugly, not at all attractive, not being able to know what real love is. Demons have caused me to be the person who will do anything for you to love them.

I’ve been used for sex, money, rides, basically what ever they want, but wait is that love? Has to be that’s all I know! I’ve been cheated on, left without anything, and lost friends. Wait were they friends? Had to be they really wanted to hang with me as long as I did what they wanted.

I’ve lived in a alternate reality where I thought I knew what love was, I thought I knew happiness. Guess what?!?! They were all fake, the guys never loved me… I was just a passage to someone beautiful. I never knew happiness that was fake too, I was making someone else happy and I thought I’d they were happy that meant I was too. Smiles and laughs can be deceiving

I never was the beautiful one, the cool one, the rich one, I was just searching. I’ve had friends in school, I’ve lost friends in school, particularly my first ever best friend since kindergarten, I lost him in the 4th grade to leukemia. School was no longer fun, school sucked because everyone will eventually leave you sometimes without saying goodbye. I got made fun of years later when I still wasn’t through grief, I’m still not to this day. This kid meant so much to me, he never wanted anything, just to play with me and me be his friend. I will never forget that, ever. Little did I know he’d be the only one that ever was a true friend.

Fast forward to high school, I played every sport I could , sucked at every single one of them. What was worse is seeing everyone have support, my parents both worked, I had no one. Being older now I understand why, but teenager me didn’t, I sucked and no one cared to even try to come and tell me “it’s ok just keep practicing, I’ll practice with you.” Teenager me wasn’t smart, teenager me just wanted love, cue everyone getting boyfriends, so I lied about having one in another town. I have always had a great imagination, so I sold that pretty well, they bought it , or maybe just didn’t care.

Let me first start off my saying I’ve learned a lot in the music industry from some wonderful and not so wonderful people in the past…. I did a lot of promoting bands and musicians that I loved for free bc I believed in them! In turn they very much appreciated all that I did that I didn’t have to! Again, I did it because I wanted to! I’ve had a few not be so nice and yes that does make you upset but it also changes how you hear the music! I stopped promoting, never spoke out against them or tried to hurt their careers , I just simply removed myself from promoting them.

With that said… artists of any kind : no you don’t owe anyone anything , but being kind and humble will definitely get you further than being rude or disrespectful! If you judge someone bc they aren’t beautiful, the right size, the right race , and so forth then people will catch on and not be so pleased! You made the decision to be in a spotlight whether you are an area musician or you tour everywhere! You do owe your fans to a certain degree to be kind and friendly to them! After all they are the ones that pay your bills and get you where you are wanting to go! You are nothing without the love from the fans!

Promoting some of the bands I did I’ve gotten to go to different states bc they were nice enough to bring me there.. they appreciated what I did when I didn’t have to… they took me and showed me the behind the scenes. I’ve gotten to see the good and bad… I never expected anything from anyone that I helped but given that special love of friendship just pushed me to elevate the promoting process! Never expect it and great things will happen if you just trust and love and believe!!!