i just feel like im being unreasonable. i have friends. i have people that i care about and that presumably care about me. if you didnt youd ignore every one of these that i send. but even then i just cant make myself believe that any of you really like or care about me. like everyone is simply just taking pity on me. youre all being too nice bc i am kind of just pathetic in general. which i know is dumb bc like why would any of you do that for real. which just frustrates me even more. but i cant shake the feeling that any one of you will get tired of me and leave. it is a real thing that could happen. and i cant stop it. it wouldnt be my place to.
and so i sit here. analyzing and thinking back on every interaction with my friends and comb through to see where ive said something stupid or did something unsavory. when did someone not react the way i thought they would or did they make some minute facial expression trying to hide their dislike. i do have a good time when im talking with our hanging out with my friends. i generally feel at ease. but as soon as its over i have to think about it. "god that was a stupid thing to say/do" "idk why you think youre so funny that wasnt real" "theyd all have had a better time if you had bailed." no one ever indicates thats the case but what if? and then i ask myself "okay? and what if?" and i want to say screw them then. but in reality all can i think is "god theyre so kind to put up with me. im just being selfish by wanting more"
i really should actually send this so that youll see what im talking about or assure me that its not true but i just cant. youll really think im pathetic. which is true butā¦id rather not have you say itā¦and honestly you probably already think i am.
