I Fly On My Own Wings

For some reason I got the urge to cull the photos on my computer this morning. It’s something I’ve been meaning to do FOREVER, but just never got down to it. As I started I got hella nostalgic for things of the past. People, places, moments, phases, etc. However, I noticed a pattern. I never got further than a month (my albums are organized by year, month, day) before I came across photos of me crying and looking like I was on the brink of the end. The poor girl only wanted to be loved and treated with respect and understanding. I can’t remember the last time I cried for anything other than mourning or sympathizing/empathizing with someone else’s situation. 10 years ago I started on the path of leaving California for Hawai’i, I started the career path I’m currently on, I started on the healing of the generational trauma by stepping in faith, and I started to understand that I deserve more than the leftovers I was given in the abusive relationships I had with men. Wooooooooo! Now, I’m preparing to move back home to California, hopefully to heal some areas of my relationship with my Mom that have been neglected. I’m reevaluating my career to see where I can take it next. Life has many twists and turns, ups and downs, ins and outs. Ten years ago I could have never imagined the life I’m living now, I just knew I wanted, needed, and deserved better. Always know that you deserve better and its waiting for you right after you trust that you are enough. I’m grateful for everything 2018 brings my way. I’m ready. I can handle it all. It will be better than everything I’ve seen thus far.

OMG a friend sent this to me and now I want to find whoever is making these. Why is it so perfect?!

I’ve been doing so well. So well! I’ve been working so hard, studying to take my career in a different direction, exploring, going out to events, basically just living life. Not letting the family drama or friend drama get to me or bring me down. But, five days ago I was told that a very influential person from my adolescent years died and it made me pause. I took a moment to reflect and decided that I was going to get motivated to live and love even more. To live each day to the best of my ability. And then today I was told another person from my adolescent years died. I feel like I’m being tested. This person is someone I at one point wished would be my Step-Father. The only person I ever considered a father figure. He was so kind, happy, caring. I know that children/teenagers have a different perspective on situations/people, but to me he was the most positive influence I had outside of my family during those years. I don’t know how to get past this moment. I feel myself getting sucked into the grieving hole that I was in for years. I’ve already cancelled plans to go to NYC for my long weekend because I can’t bring myself to be around other people while I feel so low. I’m hoping I will bounce back soon. It’s natural to feel shitty. I just don’t want this to last for years like the last time. At some point I need to write down all the good memories I can remember with these two. They were a major positive force in my life and they deserved to have their memory cherished. 

life hasn’t gotten any better or worse.. just different. Living on an island. Working. Finding out that people are shitty and people are awesome in turns. Still not a Mom. Single. Restless. This is my thirties. Live life accordingly.