alienspawn

Basically, it’s a little more than three weeks until she’s with me and I feel like I can’t wait that long. I feel like I’m going to explode or something and it’s the worst feeling in the world. All I want is to be in her arms, and I almost have that forever. My dreams with her are coming true and yet I still feel a pit in my stomach.

I think a lot of it is that she’s going to get here and I don’t know what’s going to happen next. This has been the goal for so long that now that we’re going to be actually breaking the distance, I’m kind of scared for what comes next. What I want to happen is that we’ll be together forever and she’ll never get sick of me ever. What I want is to marry her, to spend the rest of my life by her side. But what if I’m forcing it? I want it so bad that I don’t know what to do if it doesn’t happen. What if she leaves? What if everything is too much for her, she packs up her shit and goes back to England? I would be devastated. Like I said, I want her forever, so losing her is not part of the plan. However, I can’t help but wonder if maybe someday she’ll see me for what I truly am. Honestly, I don’t really know what I truly am yet, but I fear that it’s not good.

I’m not in school anymore. I’m not going up in life. I’m just kind of staying the same, but in a new place. I’m lucky that I like my job and that I want to stay there for a while, but what’s after that? I don’t want to stay in retail forever, but I also don’t know what I want to do. I really want to be able to say that I have a degree in something at some point of my life. Maybe I’ll do it when I retire or something LOL.

The reason I’m talking about all that is because Zoe does have a degree and I have all the faith in the world in her that she’ll find a good job here. But I’m going to be stuck in retail, which I feel like is a huge disappointment. When we first met, my life was on track. I was in school, working, hanging out with friends. I had a life that I was proud of. Now, I don’t know if I can let someone else be proud of the mediocre accomplishments I’ve made in the past year if I’m not even proud of them.