Modern religious scholars don't take the bible literally the way fundamentalists do. They interpret it the correct way- that is, the bible is not a historical document, so it should be interpreted as allegory. In other words...it's not like this shit actually happened, right?
No, there wasn't an actual Garden of Eden, that was just a creation myth. Cultures all over the world have some creation myth. No, Moses didn't really part the Red Sea. It's just a metaphor for how you need to always keep looking forward, or....I dunno, something.
All modern, sensible Christians agree that these bible tales didn't actually happen. That's why they believe that Jesus wasn't actually the son of God. If he existed at all, he was just an apocalyptic preacher from Judea who got turned into a legend and wound up being the luckiest cult leader of all time, thanks to emperor Constantine.
I'm sorry what? Please excuse me, my producer is talking to my earpiece.
What? Uh huh....ok....all right, gotcha.
Folks, I have been just been informed that unlike the other bible stories, the story of Jesus actually IS real because Jesus is different and special and magic and also your parents told you he was real throughout your whole childhood.
I've also been told I'm going to hell and not even Jesus can save me because I don't think he's real.


















