The sun came up

His confession surprised her a bit but pleased her nevertheless. “You.. You have? Really?…” She reached for his hand again and intertwined their fingers, liking how her hand felt in his. “I feel so… I don’t know. I just don’t know how I notice a bunch of shit that doesn’t matter but I didn’t notice how you felt… Or maybe you’re just really good at hiding it. Or maybe it’s both, who knows?” she chuckled. “I wish I’d noticed how kind and wonderful you were years ago… I mean, it’s not like I didn’t know, I just… Someone was in the way. And I’m sorry…”

“No, please, don’t say sorry...” Alec shook his head with a smile lingering at his lips. His hand was happily intertwined with hers and his eyes fixed on her glowing face. “I wasn’t so wonderful back then. I’m still not. But I definitely wasn’t ready to tell you...or anyone...back then. I still don’t feel like I should... mostly ‘cause I know you’ve got someone else an’ I don’t have anythin’ to offer you, you know?” What reason did Alice possibly have to choose to be with him over someone else? He could hardly take care of himself, no less offer something to a relationship. “So I wanted you to know, but uh...don’t let it change anythin’, okay? I’m not askin’ you to do anythin’ about it. Just know I’m here for you.”

She couldn’t help but smile when he kissed her back and leaned into her. He was so soft and gentle and the feelings the kiss gave her made her stomach feel like it would fly away at any moment. This isn’t what she thought would happen when they made their way down to the basement but now she was glad that it had happened. It seemed like everything was already laid out on the table without even exchanging words, though she knew they should probably talk about it. When she finally pulled away, she gave him a small smile. Her face was hot but this time, it wasn’t from the liquor but from blushing and she just knew that her face was probably bright red. She tried to find words but all she could say was “Wow…”

As Alice softly broke the kiss, Alec’s eyes opened to the glorious sight of her smiling face, still so close to his. They both leaned back, but Alec couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He noticed the flush that had risen on Alice’s face and it made his lips part as he began to think of apologies. But what was he going to apologize for? Everything about the moment they’d shared had been perfect. Why did he still feel like he’d lied to her? Alec’s blue eyes searched Alice’s. “Yeah...” He agreed in a single breath, still looking a bit in awe. “Alice, I...” He licked at the inside of his lip for a second and considered his next words carefully. “I feel like I have to tell you. I...I’ve thought about kissing you for a long time.” There it was. Out in the world. He smiled and let out a soft chuckle. “Pretty much the whole time actually.” A little self-deprecating humor broke the ice and Alec began to relax. Now Alice knew him entirely. There were no secrets. 

Though Alice had definitely had issues with alcohol in the past, it never failed to bring out the truth in her. It wasn’t like when other people said that alcohol turned their loved ones into ‘monsters’ and people they didn’t recognize–for Alice, it gave her the push to be honest and be who she was and even if no one else had ever realized it, sometimes she used ‘being drunk’ as an excuse to get away with being honest if she had been afraid to tell the truth sober. “You do matter, Alec. Of course you matter in general, but…you matter even more to me.” When he intertwined his fingers with hers and called her beautiful, she finally understood and saw how he was looking at her but for some odd reason, it didn’t send her into a panic. In fact, it did the exact opposite. Their faces were just inches apart and a moment later, Alice closed that gap and gave him a soft, long kiss. Part of her knew this might be a bad decision but another part of her just felt like it was right. This was someone she felt so comfortable with and she wasn’t sure how she had missed his feelings before. So much for being observant. 

She was looking at him in the softest way. Alec’s heart had begun to beat wildly in his chest the moment that those words had come out of his mouth. I think you’re beautiful. He wasn’t sure what to expect after that, but the soft tension between them soon inched forward and he was suddenly aware that they were careening towards honesty. Honesty came in the form of the tops of Alice’s hair brushing against his bare chest as she leaned in towards him and pressed her lips gently against his. Stitches be damned, he delighted in the contact, tenderly kissing her back. He couldn’t have imagined this moment correctly. He had previously been unaware that someone’s chest could even feel this full. Alice was an abundance that seemed impossible to contain. He just let the emotion roll over him in waves as he pressed into her gently. His set the whiskey bottle between his legs and moved his hand to her shoulder as if that might keep her there. But he knew the kiss couldn’t last forever. Soon after it began, he already dreaded its finish. 

“Okay, maybe you’re a little ‘rough’ but that doesn’t equate to ‘mean’… And ‘rough’ isn’t even necessarily bad. Like, you don’t trust everyone you meet but you generally try to be nice people, you’ve just never liked being pushed around or told what to do and that’s understandable. But I don’t think that at all makes you a bad person.” She didn’t know what to say to his kind words. She felt like she didn’t deserve that kind of praise, she hadn’t done anything spectacular to earn it. Still clutching her bottle, she took a deep breath and said “You know, I don’t trust anyone as much as I trust you… And I mean that. I trust other people with quite a lot, but… Out of all the people here, you’re the one I’ve known the longest and in all the time that I’ve known you, you’ve never let me down.” It was true. She’d been hurt by plenty of people and even if she hadn’t been, she was still afraid of it or sort of just waiting for it to happen. She reached out to him and took hold of his hand, giving it a small squeeze. “You’re wonderful, you know that?”

No one talked about him like that. Like he and his issues were ‘understandable’. Mostly strangers called him reckless, aggressive....stupid. They yelled at him to stop. He could see it like it was happening in front of him. Faces of strangers standing at a safe distance yelling at him as he fought back against the police. How stupid, they’d say. He was wild. A mongrel. Finally they’d said the words enough times that it was stamped on him in the form of his ID bracelet. He was too violent for society. But Alice understood him. He wasn’t a bad person. He didn’t want to be violent, but he also didn’t want to be discarded, abused, and treated like the mongrel people saw him as. He wanted to be seen as a person. Alice saw him. “I wish felt wonderful.” He said honestly, letting the whiskey bottle sit neglected in his hand as his attention turned to the hand Alice had placed hers around. The comfort was immediate. “It’s easy to believe it when you say it.” He added quickly. “Same as feelin’ like I’m not a bad person. You see me. Like all my reasons and flaws and all that, and...I don’t know...you make me feel like a person who matters.” He turned his hand and wove his fingers together with hers. “I...” He stopped himself suddenly, feeling his words were about to lay him bare. He was looking at her with tumultuous blue eyes, trying to sift through his feelings and express himself without coming on too strong. “I think you’re beautiful.” He finally whispered into the inches in between them. It was a husky whisper; certainly not the words of a best friend offering pleasant compliments. It was the expression of a man looking at the woman he cared for more than any other person in the world. Everything about her was beautiful to him.

“Alec, you’ve… You’ve never been mean to me. Like, ever. Not once. I mean, my other friends are nice, too, but you’re not mean. You don’t think you’re mean, do you?..” She listened as he talked, his words giving her an odd warm feeling inside but maybe it was just the liquor–at least, that’s what she was trying to tell herself. As he talked, she noticed how his eyes darted in and out of focus and she could tell that he was nervous and struggling to find the right words, just like she had been earlier. She watched him gulp down his whiskey but made sure to keep her’s in her hand. She thought about the line ‘When I hold you in my arm and I feel my finger on your trigger, I know nobody can do me no harm…’ She knew he wasn’t saying the exact words but maybe she was finally starting to get it. “So, your’e.. You’re attached to me?” she asked with a small smile. She wanted to express in some way that he shouldn’t be embarrassed for trying to speak his mind. “I… I feel like I’m attached to you, too… And… I don’t know, the way you look out for me and protect me… It really makes me feel cared about. You know, like I’m… Like I’m worth caring about, if that makes sense…” She wasn’t really sure what she was trying to say to him but she wanted him to know how grateful she was for him–and not just for today but the whole time they’d known each other.

He wasn’t sure how to answer her question. The answer was clearly yes. He thought that at the very least he was too aggressive. Maybe not intentionally mean, but certainly not some pleasant, clean-cut sort. “Mean is the wrong word I guess...” Alec replied, furrowing his brow a bit. “But I don’t know the right one.” His inability to put his finger on the right word frustrated him a little bit. It was the booze, he figured. “I’m somethin’ like mean though...rough?” Also not the perfect word, but it would have to do. Her question was like a highlighter over the vulnerable things he’d just said and quietly he nodded. But his eyes began to grow warm and entirely focused on her as she repeated the same sentiment back to him.  “You’re more than worth it.” He added softly. “I really think... I think you’re everything.” He meant something along the lines of ‘You mean the world to me’, but that was how it came out. “You’re everything.”

She appreciated the apology, knowing she was probably a bit too easily offended sometimes. “Thank you. Uh.. I’m sorry, too, for being kind of a bitch… I’m just really not psyched to be here, that’s all…” He seemed like a sweet guy, someone she could maybe trust–then again, she’d never been in a place like this before and she wasn’t sure what to expect or how to react. “And I mean, you are kind of right… I’m pretty stereotypical but I try not to be…”

“Nah, nah don’t call yourself that.” Alec smiled, shaking his head. He didn’t like derogatory terms for women. “You’re just on edge. I understand. My first day I shoved a therapist. Didn’t have any patience for anyone. I mean...feels a bit like bein’ in a cage, right? No wonder people are quick to fight. We’re like dogs or somethin’.” 

“Oh, so I have a type?” she asked, slightly irritated. Yes, some parts of her life were very in line with the stereotypical rich white blonde girl but she never liked it when people just assumed they knew who she was. “Oh sure, just like the movies…. You know, for someone who’s never been there, you do seem to think you know a lot about it.” 

Alec could tell that he struck a nerve, but he hadn’t intended to. He wasn’t a great communicator and it frustrated him sometimes so easily he could be misunderstood, either due to his lack of enunciation or his poor vocabulary. “Ain’t nothin’ bad about that.” He explained hastily. “Not sayin’ you’re entitled or nothin’, I just meant stable folks, you know? The kind who come to Chicago a few times. Who can afford that shit. It’s not a bad thing to be, you know.” He paused for a second. That wasn’t an apology. He had to do better than that. “But I’m sorry if I offended you. Looks like I’m two for two on that.” She deserved the apology. He’d insulted her twice now, calling her kid and saying she had a type. Not a great first impression, he thought to himself.

“Oh, I love Chicago,” she smiled. “I’ve been there a few times. I’m from New York. Upper East Side of Manhattan, actually…” She probably wouldn’t have mentioned it, considering it was the richer part of New York, but he said where he was from so she figured she’d do the same.

Upper east side? Alec knew well enough to know that was the land of trust funds and private schools. “I’m sure you were never in part neighborhood though.” Alec chuckled softly. “I think its nice, but most don’t. Your type only come ‘round for ‘service projects’ and...” Feeding the homeless. Alec thought it, but didn’t say it. He couldn’t slight the rich folks for that one. He’d directly benefited from it. “And all that stuff.” He concluded. “Not exactly tourist town like Manhattan. I never been, but I hear its nice up there. Like the movies, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” she chuckled. “Why do you look so surprised?..” She thought about it for a moment and said “I mean, yeah, I have other friends here. I mean, I’m close with Heather but we don’t tell each other everything… And that doesn’t make our friendship any less valid or important or anything, we just don’t usually get too deep–we do every once in a while but for the most part, we try to cheer each other up and all our conversations are just filled with jokes and sarcasm. And I mean, there are people like Alex that I hardly ever talk to but when I do, I’m reminded of how much I enjoy their friendship. I mean, the only other person that I’m really close to and open with these days is Cam…” She almost automatically took a swig from her bottle when he brought up Pepper. “No, not really… I mean.. We’re friends and I’m always going to be here for her and support her, but… I don’t know, we just don’t see each other a lot anymore. The last time we talked didn’t go all that well, so… Why is it so hard to believe that you’re my best friend?” She smiled at him when she said the song made him think of her. It was always nice to hear things like that. Curious, she said “What about it made you think about me?”

“Well...I just think you know a lot of people much nicer than me.” He admitted, shrugging lightly and trying not to make a big deal of it. “You’re my only friend here, really. Other than the two or three folks I like enough to talk to.” That made him sound picky, didn’t it? Dammit, he was losing his grip on his words. As he considered the question of the song Alec paused, trying to figure out how to say it without giving too much of himself away. “Well...the first line obviously...I mean, I’ve told you before that I feel like you see so much more than everyone else. I guess it made me think of you first of all, but...” Again he struggled for the right words. His blue eyes were fighting for clarity, glancing off to the side while he thought. “It says a lot, you know? Without sayin’ too much. Every piece sounds different, but the whole things I think its about gettin’ too attached to things. An’ its somethin’ we all do... Whether that’s drugs or guns or people...” He shrugged and lifted a hand to push his blonde hair back from his face. He wasn’t so good at the intellectual stuff, he thought. Best to just leave it at that. “Probably all wrong, but uh, I think I got attached to you somewhere in Chicago and I just...I don’t know....think about you like that. Like somethin’ I need.” Was that too much? Immediately as the words left his lips, he was afraid. He brought the whiskey to his lips and took a vicious drink as if he could wash the words from his mouth and looked down as he felt it burn its way down his throat. 

“I think my favorite album has always been the White album… Those songs are just incredible. I mean, it has songs like Dear Prudence, Martha My Dear, I Will, Rocky Raccoon, which are all really sweet and fun–okay, maybe Rocky Raccoon isn’t super sweet but it’s a great song. At the same time, though, it’s also got songs like Blackbird and Happiness Is A Warm Gun, which are much more serious and sad. I mean, god damn, that album has Yer Blues on it, a song that literally has lines like ‘Yes I’m lonely, wanna’ die, if I ain’t dead already, girl, you’re the reason why,’ and ‘I feel so suicidal just like Dylan’s Mr. Jones.’ Like, shit…” She thought about his question and nodded. “Yeah, I did… I mean, I knew that you were our dealer but it’s not like you were one of those scary dealers you see on crime shows. Like, I could never see you killing someone because they didn’t give you your money, you know? And I mean like, I could see you kicking the shit out of someone who didn’t give you your money and rightfully so because it’s your money but you never made me feel…afraid or anything. And you’re older than me so I always just kind of thought you were really cool. You’re my friend, not just some guy that used to sell me drugs. To be honest with you, nowadays, you’re basically my best friend..”

He listened carefully, eyebrows raising slightly as she rattled off the titles with such ease. Clearly she’d heard them many times since they last listened to them together. After his welcome ran out at Seth’s he’d never had access to the records again. He remembered every once in a while and would have someone play them off their phone while they smoked, but it wasn’t the same. He couldn’t lay out on the hardwood floor and feel the world the way he had with those records. “I remember some of those.” He said a bit more softly, but with undeniable fondness. “Happiness is a warm gun.... I liked that one the most I think. I’d...forgotten it.” He paused for a moment and then hummed a few bars before trailing off into silence. He was glad to hear that Alice hadn’t found him frightening. He’d never acted aggressive towards her, but she’d certainly seen him lose his cool a few times. Usually it was over superficial disputes though. He’d actually never had to seriously hurt anyone to get his money. Alec’s eyes widened slightly when Alice confessed how fondly she felt towards him. “Your best friend?” He was amazed. Out of all of these people? Him? It had to be some mistake. “I guess I’m your oldest friend here, so I guess that makes sense.” He smiled. “I’m sure you’re closer to other folks though. I mean your ex probably...” He didn’t even want to bring up the boyfriend. Eventually, as they continued to talk another thought occurred to him. Again he began to hum the opening bars to Happiness is a Warm Gun. “She’s not a girl who misses much....” He began to sing softly in his rough voice. He hummed a little while longer, and then faded off. “You know, that song used to make me think of us and I can’t believe I’d forgotten it...” It was like finding an old childhood journal and discovering the thing one was doing in adulthood was what one had wanted to be at the age of eight. How had he forgotten? And now here he was sitting with Alice again, thinking about the exact same song. “I mean...I know its about shootin’ up, but I think it’s got a couple meanings, you know?” Alec defended his claim a bit sheepishly, touching his face again. “Art is supposed to be thought of differently anyway...I just...always thought about you I guess.”

Though her vodka wasn’t ice cold, the low temperature of the basement kept the bottles cool and the coolness was almost refreshing in a way, even though she knew it’d make her thirsty for water later. She chuckled and nodded when he mentioned the memory. “Yeah, I remember that.. That was a lot of fun. And he did grow some good shit,” she laughed. “I remember feeling so cool in that moment… I felt like we were these total hipsters that everyone wanted to be… And I guess that sounds kind of silly but that’s how it felt.” She nodded again in agreement and said “Yeah, the Beatles would be pretty sweet… Honestly, the Beatles, the Who, even Nirvana… Anything. But I will take the pass on music if it means we don’t get caught. So do you have a favorite Beatles album? Or even just a favorite Beatles song?” It was all starting to hit her now, especially because she’d drank so fast in the beginning. Her whole body felt warm and relaxed and everything just felt a lot better. It was nice to be here with Alec and not have worry about anything or anyone else.

The way he watched her would’ve made it obvious to anyone looking at them just what kind of thoughts were dominating his mind. His blue eyes were hazy and soft as they followed the curve of her smile and the wave of her hair. It was so endearing to hear her talk about how she used to feel cool hanging out with everyone. That had never even been a thought to him. He was always just grateful to be with other people...to be happy...to have a place to stay for the night... he hadn’t thought about whether any of them looked cool. “I loved Penny Lane. It’s one of the only songs I can remember the name of. I like that whole album though. The one with the mysterious magic tour one and uh, yeah, that’s all I can remember. Oh no, wait! The Fool!” He laughed happily. “I loved the fool on the hill. It was so heartbreaking.” Despite his profound claim of the song’s heaviness, his chipper aura remained. Everything made him happy now, even sad thoughts of the fool. A wide smile had found residence on his face as he watched those bright blue eyes fix upon him. God...wasn’t he a fool. “Hey Al... back when we used to hang out. Did you think I was a cool hipster type? I mean...did you think of me at all? As more than your dealer, I mean.” Expectantly, his eyes studied hers as he took another drink, though smaller this time. His head was already growing clouded.

She had always hated how she got tongue tied in moments like this. The rambling just made her sound like a little girl who didn’t know what she was talking about. To his question, though, she laughed and said “Yeah, a fuckboy. Look, that’s like my favorite word, okay? It’s just fun to say. But yes, I sound like a fuckboy.” She was starting to feel the alcohol in her head now, though. She was feeling all floaty and giggly and though she wanted to ignore it, maybe she did want things to get more personal and intimate… But no, that wasn’t supposed to happen. It was times like these that she wished her brain would shut off. For someone who was so observant about everything else, her lack of self confidence got in the way of noticing how people looked at her, especially if they were trying to keep it hidden. “Yeah, of course.” She lifted the shirt up and over his head and placed the shirt on the side of the couch that wasn’t being taken up. In taking his shirt off, she had slightly moved closer to him and just for a moment, there was that odd silence that you sometimes see in movies and TV shows between to awkward attractive people but Alice got rid of it a moment later. “There you go, now you can be more comfortable. Now let’s get fucked up, shall we?” she grinned as she tipped her bottle back and took a little more than a big swig.

How peculiar, he thought, for someone to have a favorite word. He supposed if he thought about it maybe he could come to realize that he did have a favorite word. Maybe it was freedom...with its implications of wide open spaces and wandering wet pavement at three in the morning. Or maybe warmth...and all the promises of safety and comfort that it came with. Or maybe it was Alice...a single word that promised both security and challenge, adventure and comfort...both imperfections and impossible beauty. As his shirt was finally lifted off, Alec blinked and was suddenly caught up in a moment of tension. They were closer now. Close enough that he didn’t feel the cold quite yet, and he was certain she could feel the warmth of his skin. His lips parted as if about to speak, despite being at a loss for words. “Comfortable... yeah, thanks, Al.” He finally managed to get the words out as Alice’s attention returned to her vodka. He decided to double down as well and took a generous drink. It had been a long time since the two of them had been intoxicated together. Of course, there had been a lot of other things in the mix then, and Alec’s hand rubbed at his nose for a quick fraction of a second out of habit. It was muscle memory from years ago that he’d long since ceased to notice. He did notice the fact that he legitimately felt much more comfortable now though. The cool air seemed to ebb away some of the pain and wake him up as well. He took another gulp of whiskey. “It’s too bad we can’t play music down here.” He mused, turning to look at Alice with a growing smile. “Remember that one guy’s house, uh... Seth or somethin’ wasn’t it? Real hippie of a guy, grew great stuff. Remember listenin’ to records that one time? Man, there’s nothing like it. I wish we had some of the uh, the Beatles. Man, that was a fuckin’ treat.”

“Yeah, I mean I’ve never thought about it much. But yeah, if we were put in a situation where I had to step in front of her I would. She’s got so much to do in the world and so much to give. Wouldn’t seem right…you know? Better me than her. What am I doin’ anyway. Besides, I love her too much to watch her go. It’d kill me too.”

She could tell that he wasn’t too thrilled about talking about being in foster homes so she figured she’d just leave it there. “I’m sorry, Alec…” She could never understand how parents just gave up there children without a second thought. Pepper was someone who’d also been hurt by the foster system and Alice had seen the pain in her face every time she talked about it. As he lifted his shirt, she knew she had to keep a straight face and not show any worry or concern, for that would probably only make Alec feel worse about it all. She took his shirt and started to lift it up, looking at the different hues all meshing together. “It looks pretty gnarly, I’ll tell ya’… It looks like it hurts like a bitch.. But if all he got was the soft parts and nothing else, no ribs or anything worse, I think it’s gonna’ be fine.” She noticed the slight perspiration on his body and said “Are you too warm?” God, how did she casually suggest taking his shirt off to him so he could be more comfortable without it seeming like she had another idea in mind? “If you get too hot, you can always just ditch the shirt.. I mean, I wouldn’t mind.” Yeah, still not that great or that casual. “Jesus, I sound like such a fuckboy… But seriously, I don’t want you to be more uncomfortable than you already are.”

Alec couldn’t help but shiver as Alice took hold of his shirt and lifted it another couple inches. Maybe he was actually too warm and it was the cool, inviting air that was making everything feel electric. Or maybe it was Alice’s eyes and the way her fingertips were not quite touching him. “Uh...if you don’t mind...” Alec replied, catching her gaze with soft blue eyes. “I think its just the injury, you know? Overheatin’ me or somethin’. My body’s probably tryin’ to figure out what the hell happened.” He smiled at the thought and at Alice’s inability to say anything as gracefully as she wanted. “A fuckboy?” Alec chuckled. “Sounds like the vodka’s gettin’ to you that’s all. I know you’re not makin’ a move on me or anythin’. Don’t worry.” He wished she wouldn’t have clarified herself three times. She must’ve been trying to figure out how to say that he could take his shirt off without letting him get the wrong idea. He wasn’t about to rush to the wrong idea anyway. That kind of hope was tucked away somewhere. “Just give me a hand, would you?” He asked, feeling a bit pitiful. He held his arms the best he could to make it easier for her to slip the cotton tee over his head. Bare chested now, he felt a bit self-conscious. He was entirely bone and sinewy muscle. He didn’t look as unhealthy as he had while he was detoxing though. He just looked like he’d been living a rough life and his body had adapted to that. “Thanks, Al.” He breathed with a small shiver at the new intimacy that seemed to have arisen.