Call Me Bekki

If I didn’t show up at your door you wouldn’t ask me over. A hungry person will eat anything. Some days I’m tired of being anything and not asked for by name. You’re too honest, that’s the problem, I can see the shrug in your eyes. Everything we have is because I want it - it’s nice to feel wanted isn’t it? Yeah, I wish I knew what that was like.

A woman looking for nostalgia drives by her childhood home and finds a new strip mall. This is the way the world works, and it should. Things change. There was a tree in France with a trunk that had the face of a cat grown naturally into it - some freak of nature - they said that the only way to keep it was to kill the tree so it could never lose its shape. Last I heard, the tree prevailed and the cat looks like a lion now. The moral of the story is that things move on without you when you turn and walk away. The moral of the story is if you decide to leave me, I won’t stand still and wait for you.

So instead of saying I love you just to hear you say it back, I tie myself up on a railroad. I lock myself up in a tower, I fall asleep and promise you there is no way to wake me other than to push your stubborn mouth against mine. And you do. A thousand times, and then a thousand times more after that and you wonder why I can’t ever seem to save myself. And I wonder why you can’t just tell me you love me so I can stop making excuses for you to show it.

The thing about really listening to someone speak, and not only listening but hearing too, is that they can say nothing but “I need you, I need you, I need you” over and over and you can still tell by the breath in their voice that they’re saying goodbye. I know sometimes my words don’t equal up to the full truth of what I’m feeling, but after hours of talking about our friendship I was kind of hoping you’d hear it anyway.

This is the most selfish thing I think these days: I'm the reason I want you to get better. You've stopped being excited about things and I think that includes me. When we meet your arms are too tired to put around me, and this isn't about blame. You are the victim of a power outage, I'm just saying that sometimes our electricty was my favorite part of the day. You've stopped enjoying things and I think that includes me too. It's okay. I understand. I wish you'd stop apologizing, it just makes me sorry too. You're sad all the time and I think I'm allowed to be sad about that.  Every day that you're sick I miss you more.