Mr. Blog

Woman: “And now you want me to teach you jiu jitsu.”

Man: “If you don’t mind, Miss Plum.”

Plum, loud and excitedly: “IT’LL BE A PLEASURE.”

*She rips his tuxedo jacket off his shoulders, grips him aggressively, and yeets him over her shoulder in a jiu jitsu martial arts fashion*

Man: *Clasping her arms a few seconds later while she looks coyly at him* “Now, let me see. Um. Let me do it to you.”

*He appears very concentrated, the camera shifts to her soft smile and romantic music begins to play, accentuating a mood that he is NOT picking up on*

“Now, let me see first of all I, um,- I pull this down.” *He pulls her cardigan off her shoulders, her collarbone now exposed and she likes it that way, she looks very obviously at his lips, like this lady has absolutely zero chill*

“Now I do this!” *He jilts her shoulders into them so their faces are centimeters away, she looks like she would like to eat his face and he is still very concentrated but in a giddy boy way*

Him: “Then I hold you close!”

Plum: “Closer.”

Him, confuzzled: “I beg your pardon?”

Plum: “Closer!! Close as you can!” *She is mentally having sex already*

Him: “Oh, yes.” *He searches her eyes for direction*

Him: “Now what do I do?”

*Miss Plum is absolutely beaming*

Plum: “Don’t you know?”

*She wants him to do things to her and he stands there mouth agape. You can see his one braincell struggling visibly in his hollow brain as realization of the century is dangling in front of him. He’s about to realize and then*

Him: “Of course! Now I apply the leverage!” *And he yeets her on to the floor*

*The music swells and fades, telling the audience that this man’s one braincell has failed him. Himbo of the century.*

Jess will be wearing this purple sweater with a removable (!) peter pan collar and cuffs in the next episode of New Girl, “Dance”.

Alice + Olivia ‘Porla’ Sweater - $118 (was $297, limited sizes)