Late 20's Blog

Welcome!!

Hi, I’m Alana…well, that’s my alias name, I’m a 25-year-old girl living in the Midwest. I’m an Aries sun, Capricorn moon, and Sagittarius rising. I love the Lord, Twilight, being a black girl, and Leopard print. I’m starting this blog called “Late 20s” for my girlies who are trying to navigate life. Society would consider me a late bloomer, but I wouldn’t consider myself that. I feel like society rushes girls to experience so much in so little time, but at the same time shuns us for those experiences. I’m calling this blog “Late 20s” because I’m in my late 20s…not much to that lol. I wanted to start this blog because I’m currently at a point in my life where I don’t have any friends, and I’m looking for community. I’ve always wanted to start a blog since I was like 6 years old. All the cute, cool girls had a blog or wrote for a magazine/newspaper columns in all my favorite rom-coms. Like: 13 Going on 30, Brown Sugar, Devil Wears Prada, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Bratz, How to Lose a Guy in 10 days…you get the picture.

A pedoph!le really saw me a child, infuriated my life, saw how hard it was even called CPS but still was like let me make it 10x worse and S3xually abuse her. Like after EVERYTHING I've been through up to that point I kept a smile on my face, still made friends, and was "happy" but he was like "nah, not enough take her childlike innocence as well. That'll do it!"

He even saw how my mom struggled with raising me and the money she didn't have and still didn't put money to the cause. Like he just straight was a shitty boyfriend and step father. Congrats? You couldn't be a shitty, terrible step father but at least paid the bills and help my mom when she was struggling? Just using and abusing, then playing the victim. HA! I have to laugh because I already had a panic attack this morning.

You know what also sucks, is that I couldn't even take PTO for today b/c I have a major surgery that I need done and my PTO and Sick time is all in one. So, I have to save up over 80hrs before I can even apply for FMLA. I have a little less than 20hrs right now, I get 4.62hrs each check, and I get paid every two weeks. So, I won't reach my goal PTO hrs until next year middle of March. Lol! So no days off unless it's a holiday and my office is closed. I have an auto immune disease, so I have to be EXTREMELY careful until March of next year until I can get this surgery and hope that my doctor doesn't force me to get it b/c my bloodwork levels are terrible.

I remember watching The Addams Family movie for the first time in middle school I was like 13 (my mom introduced me to this movie). When Gomez says his famous line "Look at her. I would die for her, kill for her. Either way, what bliss" I remember sitting there and thinking "yep! That's what I want". Literally this movie changed my brain chemistry, not to be dramatic. But I didn't grow up around loving men. I didn't see healthy relationship dynamics. So watching this movie I was OBSESSED! I'm like wait there are men out here that actually like/love their partners?!?

Like no one wants to comment and like post anymore. But as soon as their favorite celebrity post or influencer you see them all up in the likes but when it comes to people they know crickets.... maybe it's the people I have on my social media platforms but it's discouraging. Like I tailor each one of my platforms to me. It's nothing fancy or aestheticly pleasing but it's a glimpse into the prettier aspects of me and my life. And I get like 10 likes and that's it. Mind you everyone I follow and who follows me back are people I KNOW! People I hung out with, work with, went to high school or college with. These are not strangers and I get nothing. If I post on my story asking a question or telling a funny story that happen to me....nothing. I post a vacationm...nothing. I post other fun things nothing....I post my grad pics....Hella likes! Why do I have to accomplish something for my mutuals to react!??! It's not like people don't view my story....they view it, see the question AND THEN MOVE ON WTF?!?!?!!?

It low-key makes me not even wanna post anything anywhere. And only the people see me everyday know about what's going on...BUT THAT'S SO BORING!!!!

Making friends as an adult feels like trying fit into someone's life that's already full.

I'm losing my faith.

I was going through alot and I was extremely unsure of my next move. Growing up Christian you're taught to turn to God for answers. Never listen to your heart because it's deceitful.

So, when i was unsure if I should move out on my own and I was REALLY depressed at home. But I was sooo scared to fail again and have to move back home. I prayed. I fasted from social media. I stop listening to "secular" music. I prayed every morning and every night. I read my Bible EVERY night! Doing devotionals. Trying to get God to answer me.

So, I gave up on getting an answer from him. So I asked for comfort. I was in a dark headspace. I was so scared. I was just ready to die. And I asked God for comfort. I'm crying and calling out to God for help....for comfort. I thought he wasn't answering my prayers because I was too sinful and too involved in the "world".

Praying "God, please allow me to feel your comforting presence. Please".

And i was met with silence.

Emptiness

So, I concluded the God I was raised to believe in, isn't real.

The depression is back....

I can't blame it on my period

I can't blame it on my living situation

I'm hoping it's because of the state of our country right now but I fear it's not.

I'm scared...last time I got this way...I was ready to die.

I don't ever wanna feel that way again.

"Hey, I got your voicemails. I’m not able to take you on Friday, and I won’t be able to help with rides or errands going forward. I need to focus on my own responsibilities. I hope you’re able to find another way."

Of course he texted back immediately with:

"Thanks Daughter 😒"

"Hello my favorite daughter,

I'm applying for these jobs and they need to call me back. And i need to pay my phone bill by Friday or they gonna turn my phone off. Can you let me know if you can take me there to pay it. I would ask your sister but she can't (my sister just had her tonsils removed) and your momma ain't gonna do it (they broke last October). So let me know before Friday. I love you"

Today's Wednesday...I move into my first apartment on Friday.

Being on this damn dating app had made me realize just how much me being bullied in middle school actually affected myself esteem.

For so long, I thought being harassed everyday and taunted constantly by middle school boys just made me angry and a little spiteful...it did, but it also made me deeply insecure about my looks. My self-esteem didn't get any better when I developed my first hard-core crush on this guy freshman in high school that played the shit out of me for 3 years!!! Literally dragged me along for 3 years until I finally said i had enough and was tired of feeling like shit after dealing with him. He was so manipulative!

I read a post on IG about the "Spirit murdering of the Bubbly Black Girl" and it hit me that I was a bubbly black girl.

I was whimsy, fun, bubbly and outgoing but my spirit was broken by family, parents, and teachers. I was told I was too loud, talk too much, move too much, too wild. I was just too much! And was told CONSTANTLY to sit down, calm down. I was punished, beat and yelled at for who I was until I was shell of myself. Then when my spirit was finally broken and I was the version of myself they wanted, I was scolded for being too quiet, too scared and too shy. I needed to "get out my shell and stop being so scary". Like I wasn't beat, and punished into submission.

Now, I'm left with the wounds and scars of what was done to me. Now it's up to me to pick up the pieces of my shattered former self, and I'm angry I have to do this. I'm bitter they don't receive any punishment from what they did to me. I'm resentful! I'm jealous of all the other girls who got to be themselves, who were protected from the cruel words of others. Who parents embraced them. I feel lost. I have anxiety attacks. I don't even know who I am and what I want.