stencilled possum

You can ask how long it will take for the pizza to get to you, and they will tell you how far away a dispatcher is.

My flat-mate’s date for the night was almost as drunk as her.  She had passed out in her room and locked the door.  He refused to leave because he wanted to have sex.  He also demanded food because he was dealing with “whiskey dick”.  He didn’t like the lack of food in the fridge.  I called 911, did the stuff stated above, and he was getting PISSED about how long the “order” was taking.  He took my phone, demanded they “hurry the fuck up”.  Police arrived two minutes later, arrested him, and helped me file a police report.  Pressing charges wasn’t necessary because he had warrants on him from THREE different states for the very thing he planned to do to me.  Several months after this happened one of the officers informed me he was charged with two felonies because he crossed stay lines, and will be serving no less than 35 years in prison.  The officer ripped into my flat-mate about her bringing home complete strangers, while drunk, knowing full well this shit could happen. 

This was 14 years ago.  

Do the pizza order, do it as calmly as you can.  The dispatcher I spoke to said things like this:

“If he’s drunk say you want mushrooms.”  I said I want extra mushrooms.

“If he’s threatening you with sexual assault say you want onions.”  I said I want onions.

She went like this with different toppings and sauces for a description of him, like pineapple if he’s blonde, black olives if he’s tall, extra large if he’s tall, etc.

Chance The Rapper won a Grammy. 

He’s redefined what it means to be an independent artist.

Ellie Kemper is just a ray of sunlight, brightening up everyone’s day

Tituss Burgess is just a fabulous human being and GREAT singer

Carol Kane is a landlord i would want

Jane Krakowski, WHERE IS UR GODDAMN EMMY? no seriously if she still doesn’t win one it’s clearly because  we’re not even worthy of her existence 

SPOILER ALERT.  this show has a great amount of guest stars, IN IT’S FIRST SEASON!! imagine where it can go from here

Breaking bad lovers: 30 rock gave us Bryan Cranston, UKS gives us Dean Norris.  Mad Men lovers: Kiernan Shipka as Kimmy’s stepsister Kymmi (classic) basically plays a modern version of Sally Draper. Of course Jon Hamm shows up cause whenever Tina calls him to do some weird ass role he is always game for it and that’s why I love him to death (and he prob loves tina to death I mean COME ON)  Then we have Nick Kroll who is Amy Poehler’s current boyfriend, while Amy’s ex husband Will Arnett was on 30 Rock, So it seems Tina loves making fun of Amy’s love interests.

More Broadway actors.... Sara Chase James Monroe Inglehart Christine Ebersole