life isn't fair

Of the bills. The responsibility. The emotional labor. The constant pressure of trying to make life work for themselves and the people they love.

for the longest time my goals have been so blurry that they track into each other, their undefined edges slipping quietly back into the soft night. today i want to be a writer; tomorrow i will want to be a doctor, later i will wish i took that law school free ride. how the fuck do people just know what they want to do with their life?

where do you want to be in five years? i want to be alive; which is a huge step for me. ten years ago i would have said i want to be asleep and meant i hope that i'm dead by then.

but i want a yellow kitchen and a stand mixer. i want a garden and a fruit tree (cherry, if i can make that happen) and a big yard for my dogs to play in. i want to come home and read poetry out loud to someone and have them close their eyes to listen. i want a summer watergun fight. i want to make snowmen. i want to be the house to go to for halloween. i want my life to settle around me in a softness, for it to lay down gently. if i am very, very, very lucky, i want to travel; finally go someplace overseas.

of course i don't know what i want to be doing professionally. what i actually want to be doing is curling up beside my dog, settling in to read. i want to be making myself a cup of good coffee.

i can't answer the other questions. whenever people asked me what do you want to be when you grow up, i used to say i hope i'm happy.

i hope i'm still kind, five years from now. i hope i never get jaded and mean. i hope i have stayed in therapy. what do you picture yourself doing? when will you actually be an adult about this? why are you so afraid of being ambitious?

Part I. The Fire of Winter, the Engulfing Snowfall

or alternatively: No fuel is worse than grief.

+ Winter and its snow, fire and its ash. Nothing survived the raging fires, but the following ashfall looked like the first snow. … If you make a wish on that day, does it also come true?

Part II | Part III | Part IV

authors below (and a surprise jeremy):

@robertszombie \\ jordanna kalman \\ jordanna kalman \\ @wearemadeofstardust0 \\ david foster wallace \\ jordanna kalman \\ okechukwu nzelu here again now \\ jordanna kalman \\ jordanna kalman \\ jordanna kalman