Part of me wants to jump off a cliff, never to be found. Part of me wants to draw something deeply profound, something that will certainly scare people and worry others, but something that cuts deep and truthfully expresses something inside of me that wants to get out. In a way, the thought is entertaining. I want people to know that I am not at all plain, but a cynic and a nihilist that gives nothing to the notion of meaning because it truly doesn't exist, not in the objective sense. I want to portray something that people don't want to see about me.
This is what is causing my art block. I've been drawing way too many pretty things, which is not a bad thing, but I've been avoiding looking at myself and pulling out the really disgusting, really disturbing, gooey and sludgy drudge that exists in the confines of my skeleton. It in fact scares me. I feel the moment I tap into these feelings, something unexpected might happen, and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with it. But the thought excites me, the way I think just showing it to people would be entertaining.
Someone called me vanilla at 2 AM at a party in Covina, and it was the most offensive thing I've ever been called. Maybe this is why I've been thinking of showing something different. I want to scare people with my morbid understanding that nothing really fucking matters.
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