A breath of fresh Aiir.

you made me fall

I never really had a mom. She was lost on me before I was born. I was just something she was stuck with, or stuck wanting claim over. 32 years and if we did the math I doubt she existed in a bulk of that time as a fixutre of my life. I lost the drive for the mother daughter relationship painted to me by my friends, the movies, or abc family. She never really saw me. But Natalie did. She heard every tear of postpartum. She reminded me it would pass. She was the mom I never had, and didnt get nearly long enough. I hear every monster in law story and just felt nothing but grateful that was never my reality. While my mother was much worse, Natalie made up for every bit of that. Here we are coming up on 4 fucking years without hearing her "Hey Baby" on the other side of the phone, wihtout her wishing me well every single holiday occumpanied by a gif of sorts. She believed in us, even on days I couldnt. Everything feels so dim without her. She was my only ally in the hard reality of the love and life I chose.

But I love these two fucking assholes so much. (I write as my nose is bruised and cut from Frankie biting it trying to herd me again)

I think I had different expections when moving back to this state, and albiet nothing has been whatever trajectory I dreamed in my head three years ago, I really have such peace just being back. My support system shrinks and changes, I've lost people I could have never planned to lose. But yet it always regrows. There is a certain bloom that never fails. Things fall into place in ways I didnt expect. And it works the fuck out. I've thrown myself at so many things and nothing all at once. The stagnant feeling returns but so does the peace.