Traveling, Dreaming, Searching

Whoaa

It’s that time of year again! The excitement of the new school has started to wear off and only weariness rests in our bones as we look at this upcoming week filled with midterms and stress. Its definitely been an unusual year, both coming into it and being in the middle of it. Half my friends are abroad right now, and most of us are also preparing to go abroad so I feel like we’re all in this weird transit stage. It’s weird that I’m not going to see some of my best friends for a whole year, because either they’re abroad now, or I’m going to be abroad next semester. Or they could just be gone all year (shoutout to Kat) and that’s why I won’t see them. 

I’ve been walking around campus aimlessly the past couple of weeks to just think and get my head straight on a lot of things. 

I don’t want to be in this waiting period, or weird transition time anymore. I just want to be. This is our junior year, we don’t really get second chances at living just to live anymore. I want to take advantage of every opportunity and every adventure that comes my way.

Today was a weird day where there was a potential threat of a shooting happening on campus. This is bad for so many reasons both political and not that I might get into in the future, but is not currently the point of this post.

The point of this post is that I went to class. But even as I went to class there was this awful feeling gnawing away at me and making me want to hurl. Of anticipation, of despair, of potential heart break and grief, of fear. 

The thing is, we can always be afraid. We can always hide. And that’s okay. We have a healthy respect for the value of our own lives and others. But today made me realize that I’m not just scared because of the threats today. I’m scared of living life in general. I’ve been so consumed the past month of what I’m going to be in my post grad life. The idea of getting a job. of going to law school, of applying to law school, of applying for a Fulbright. SO MANY THINGS. I’ve let this fear overtake me and cripple me from really living this past month because I’m so scared of what comes NEXT (in two years!) that I’m not even living right now. And I want to change that. I want to take advantage of the friendships I have now. Of the people I treasure in my life. I want to be around and see the way my little brother is growing up, instead of just hanging out in my room even when I’m home. 

I want my friends to know how much I love them, LC and Britt, and Kat, and Caroline, and Chris, and Alex, and so many so many people.  How privileged am I to be able to have all these wonderful things in my life. Happiness, Safety, Security, and to still worry to the point its affecting my physical and mental health?

Anyways besides all those weird little epiphanies, some upcoming things that have just happened are.. I got accepted into my Study Abroad program at the University of Cape Town in South Africa!! I’m leaving in January and will be back in June and I am so so excited.

My roommates for next year and I also just signed a lease on a house which was a huge, huge relief and I am so beyond grateful that it is just over with and done. My thoughts and sympathies to all Wildcats out there that are still struggling. 

I had more things to say but this post seems to have reached its end. 

SCORPIO

October 23–November 21

A planetary gathering in the last house of your chart coaxes you to spend some time alone this week looking back over the past year without judgment. Evaluate your progress honestly, but no self-recrimination allowed. Listen to your intuition when it comes to bringing something to a close. Consider what energy you might be putting out into the universe that goes against your conscious intentions. Identify a self-defeating pattern. Deep down you know you could be doing more to succeed. Tap into that! Connect with your imagination, soul and private desires in order to start actualizing your vision of offering something big to the world. With three planets collaborating with Mars in your worth house now, you’d do well to act in the interest of your financial security, work with the resources you have, behave in accordance with your values, shore up your self-worth and take action on your priorities. Caring for someone with no expectation of reward brings spiritual satisfaction.

i've been struggling so much this past month. I think it's a combination of not wanting to come back to school after this incredible summer, as well as homesickness because I wasn't home at all this summer, and a lot of other things. Everything has been hard from just going to class to taking care of my relationships with my friends, to being productive. it never used to be like this. I read a verse today that gave me a lot of strength. I am so blessed to have God in my life, to have my family and my friends in my life. So blessed to have my health, and I have been trying everyday to work towards being happy and grateful for everything again. I know how much I have and how blessed I am for it and I want to be happy with it all I really do.

"we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying int he body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." -2 corinthians 4:8-10

It just reminds me that I have so much more strength inside of me, and even when that strength might fail, I have God with me too.