blackbird fly

Emily managed to smile when JJ turned and gave her small one herself. Things really were okay. The past as upsetting as it was only that, the past. They had so much more to look ahead to with each other. Emily was already nodding in agreement before JJ could even finish her explanation about taking the camp down. “We will,” Emily said, confident, and firm. She squeezed JJ’s hand for added emphasis. “If it’s not with this case, we’ll talk to Hotch.” She wasn’t the type to make promises that couldn’t for certain be kept, only she wanted to promise this to JJ. “We’ll do whatever it takes, JJ. Even if it’s just you and me.” It wouldn’t come to that. Emily could hardly imagine the team letting them take it on alone, no matter if their stakes weren’t as personal as JJ’s and hers. “You good to go back to the station?” Emily asked. She’d essentially forced JJ into a certain vulnerability that for all they been through together somehow surpassed it all. A little extra time to settle would be reasonable. “We can make can a make a pit stop for gas and get some snacks. That always excites the boys, and I’m sure they’d have cheetos.” She teased, injecting some levity back into her tone to let JJ know she wasn’t going to stay all worried and broody herself. And the truth was she’d get JJ all the cheetos if she wanted them. 

Emily audibly sucked in a harsh breath while she listened to JJ explain her dad sending her away. In retrospect Emily wanted to be having this conversation anywhere but in a car she was driving, somewhere she could actually look at JJ instead of glances between her and the road. She had to settle for reaching over and sliding her hand down JJ’s arm so she could take her hand. “Of course you know it was bullshit. I don’t blame you for what happened back there,” Emily said the harshness in her voice no longer at all due to frustration with JJ. She had to force herself to loosen the tightness in her jaw. It made so much sense. JJ who was good at following rules and playing by the book. Looking back now, Emily could see that some of the things she worried had been about her when things changed between them probably had much more to do with JJ’s past than anything. They stopped at a light and Emily tugged on the hold she had on JJ to try to get her to look at her. “So all the time, all the pretending…” Emily winced as she thought of the toll it must have taken on JJ, subconscious or otherwise. She had pretended long enough about JJ to have an idea what it was like even if she hadn’t been in the rest of her life. “ You kept on for years without that part that felt sucked out?” The light turned green and Emily had to turn away as much as she didn’t want to. She took a deep breath and added, “I’m sorry I never said anything, about myself and being gay, before I was, well, confessing things in your kitchen,” she admitted the last part lightly. “I know it might not have mattered then. Maybe you could have had someone to talk to about that part of you sooner.” She gave an almost shrug and her voice went soft and sincere. “Thank you for talking to me now.”

“It’s okay -- “ JJ shook her head, “Emily don’t. I’m okay.” The last thing she wanted was something else for Emily to martyr herself on, another guilt the other woman carried around along with everything else on the list of things Emily Prentiss was convinced she could have prevented. “I don’t know that I would have. Even if you had. It’s -- I barely want to now.” She smiled a little, at that, finally looking over to try and catch Emily’s eye. JJ picked up her hand and held Emily’s properly this time. “I want to take this place down, Em.” Her eyes were fixed somewhere distant again, not at Emily, not quite out the window. “Even if it’s not part of our case, even if we find no connection. I want to stay here. I want to end it. At least just this one. We can stop what they’re doing to those kids.”

Emily can feel it in the way JJ leads into it with that distinct use of the word tried and it makes her chest constrict. Her grip on the steering wheel tightens as both hands twist and her knuckles whiten. “Oh JJ,” Emily knows it’s not sympathy that JJ is looking for but she aches all the same. “I had wondered if I was after that night,” she admitted with a soft smile trying to lesson any small part of the weight that felt like it settled in the car. She felt guilty for perhaps not asking or bringing it up sooner. Then she would have known, but things had felt still fragile and Emily was scared she could break what they had. She looked with wide concern filled eyes at JJ all curled in on herself, and nothing that she could say felt like enough. It didn’t stop her from filling the silence. “I’m sorry it happened like that for you. It shouldn’t have.” The place they had just been proved it was still like that for people, but it shouldn’t have been that way. For all her ups and downs with her own mother, she’d taken Emily’s sexuality in stride when she’d finally managed to come out to her “Did your dad, did he…?” The unspoken question after where they had just been hung as Emily was unable to bring herself to ask the question outright. 

This was the last thing JJ wanted. Any time she thought about these parts of her teen years she just wanted them gone. Even now, when she and Emily were together the way they were, she didn’t want to think about it. She was smart enough, educated. She knew none of the vitriol they had spewed back then was true. And somehow, when it came up she felt that same dread anyway. The tension up her spine that wouldn’t go away. She wanted to just keep it there, push it back down. But this was Emily and Emily never allowed for that and once the conversation started JJ knew there was no way to stop it. Glancing at the other woman only for a second, JJ turned away and pressed her fingers to the bridge of her nose. She shook her head. “It’s fine. It was a small.. shitty town. And it didn’t -- my dad sent me away. It was a camp not unlike this one, a little less religion, a little more therapy and a lot of pseudo science. Some quack who made his money and his name fixing kids. He didn’t -- I lasted a week. Maybe two. Fell in line so fast he called it a success. I just -- I didn’t want to deal with it. I wanted to go back to school and not miss soccer. My dad picked me up and we never talked about it again. But it -- it felt like someone sucked my soul out. He didn’t actually change anything. He just scared us enough that pretending was easier. I wasn’t even scared. But I pretended anyway. Just to go home. Never stopped I guess. And I didn’t -- I’m fine, Emily. I don’t want you to think it’s -- it’s not. I have a psych degree. I’m a profiler. I know it was all bullshit. I just saw that guy in there and heard what he was saying and I got pissed.”

JJ’s words sting and Emily pulls her hand back into her lap. She’s not foolish enough to think that she’s JJ’s real target, but what she says is close enough to home that Emily has to work at letting them slide off her back. The apology helps with that, along with the soft sincere look JJ finally gives her to go along with it.”That’s not really an explanation,” Emily says, look still pointed as she puts the car in drive anyway. She swallows and waits a beat before her own bubbling frustrations surfaces. “Of course you’re allowed to be upset. I’d never tell you how to feel. That’s hardly the same going along with bottling it all away and pretending like it’s all fine.” Emily shakes her head because for as many strides as they’d taken in communicating they still left so much unspoken. She gives JJ a few silent glances, realizing she only has vague ideas of what JJ means by the case feeling personal and that sits uneasily with Emily. “This one has hit closer,” Emily decides to speak for herself instead. “Thankfully my own turmoil with who I was at that age was only self-inflicted. I can’t imagine what those poor kids deal with.” She let out wry huff and kept her eyes on the road. “If only he’d known who he was talking to.”

JJ knows Emily is right, objectively. She’s not even close enough to it to argue back or take any of what Emily says personally. She’s always been logical before emotional, about to sort out the why and how before the outburst. And she knows now that Emily’s right without having to say anything else. Instead of arguing more she pulls one leg up onto the seat as Emily puts the car into drive, something that’ll make her closer to herself, a little more buttoned up in general. But Emily doesn’t quit that easy. And JJ can hear it in her voice, the fishing. It’s so very Emily of her, just tossing questions in the air in the form of statements, like she’s curious and pondering and not asking. “I tried to come out when I was sixteen,” JJ finally said, eyes back to somewhere between the dashboard and the side window. “You weren’t my first.” That was still barely an explanation and JJ wasn’t sure how much more of one she could give. “My dad lost it.”

Emily took a small breath, the brush off from JJ not entirely unexpected. “No,” Emily replied plainly, well versed in the many JJ versions of I’m fine that meant anything but. There were times she let JJ get away with it too.Thought not this one, because it was so out of the ordinary and Emily found the extra tension bleeding into her own carefully held together frame. They couldn’t go back to the team like that, and Emily didn’t want to leave JJ alone to whatever was eating away at her. “I’m not going to drive until you decide to talk to me. I agree, something is going on, but you know as well as I do we can’t go barreling in like that without anything concrete.” Emily sighed and reached over to set her hand on JJ’s knee closest to her. “You don’t let things get under your skin without a reason.” She hated that she worried it had something to do with them, like she made JJ vulnerable by virtue of being with her. “Talk to me, JJ.”

Emily was always too emotionally invested in cases. It was the only way she knew how to operate. Let herself feel what she needed and let it fuel her focus to catch their unsub. This case had a different level of unease built in to it as she and JJ were sent to question the director for a “therapy program” that Emily would term as anything but. Except they were professionals and had come across plenty, so she hadn’t anticipated any trouble heading into things. And then JJ had been… off. Emily was used to her being steady, even. Personally they might have been still navigating their relationship, surprises not uncommon in that area. On the job, however, Emily always knew what to expect with JJ. They were a team that didn’t have bumps, or if they did it was usually due to her, not JJ.

It was clear JJ was still all in her head when they climbed into the SUV, Emily taking the driver’s side for once. Emily started the car but she didn’t move to back it out just yet. “So what just went on in there?” Emily searched JJ’s face turning to face her better. “Because that wasn’t the Agent Jareau I”m used to. Do you want to talk to me about what got in your head?” It was technically a question, but Emily hardly meant it as one JJ could refuse, her tone giving her away.

This was never going to end well. The words conversion therapy had set a cold chill up JJ’s spine when they were still back at the station and her body had been frozen that way since, stiff, tense, rigid. Things were good. It had been long enough since her ordeal that the nightmare had gone away, that the pain was gone and her life had a rhythm again. Her schedule was straight with Will again and she saw Henry half of every week as they planned. She and Emily were still ... something. Something almost entirely unsaid but definitely entirely understood now. They stayed at JJ’s place, drank wine, ate take out, shared a few too many showers, shared a bed. The rhythm was back, the team was back, Emily was back and together they were better than ever. 

Until this. JJ had set her jaw straight, sure that the fury in her chest was useful, sure that the dread that crept up her spine made her the right person to be here but the more they talked, the worse she was. She wasn’t objective, she was icy. Accusatory and leading. It wasn’t a good way to start an investigation, especially when they had no reason to suspect the people here of actually being involved in their case. She was off her game. Enough so that even Emily had clocked it. JJ shut the door, hard. She leaned her forehead on her hand by the window, running her lip under teeth before Emily spoke. JJ stayed turned away from her, into the window like she could talk to the reflection of her own eyes in the glass and that would be easier. “He knows something. He’s -- they’re torturing those kids. I could just tell and it got under my skin. I’m fine. Just drive, Emily.”

Emily hummed in assent to what JJ was saying. They had a rapport when it came to questioning suspects and witnesses alike. It was easy to be that unit born of experience and learning that level of unspoken communication. Emily agreed it would help they were women. Dinah had seemed more distrustful of Morgan than her. She spared a glance over at JJ when the other trailed off and went quiet. It didn’t take much for Emily to see that the day had done a number on JJ. She didn’t break the quiet right away but eventually she reached across the center console with her right to find JJ’s hand. It was only the two of them in the car and Emily didn’t see why she couldn’t for her own sake as well as JJ’s.  “Hotch will call as soon as they know anything,” she reminded quietly, not having missed the urgency in JJ’s tone when she’d been on the phone with their boss. “It’s not your fault. None of us saw that shootout coming.” In large part because it looked like perhaps they had been in the dark all along. It didn’t take much for Emily to assume JJ probably felt guilty because she herself was very much the same in that regard. Part of her felt bad now for being so relieved JJ was the one beside her and not in surgery. But she shook it off because now they needed to do their jobs. “You and I will take care of this and be back as soon as we can.” She kept her hand in JJ’s until they reached their destination, eyes narrowing as she took in how quiet things looked. It wasn’t as though Dinah had been told to stay put but her absence would raise more questions. “Doesn’t look like anyone is around,” Emily observed, already wary. She looked to JJ not even having to audibly say how they were going to be careful. Enough things had gone wrong so far to take any chances.

Everything was different now that she and Emily had this relationship between them. Their dynamic was the same, their trust the same, how well they knew each other, all the same but it all made JJ feel a little more vulnerable at work than she ever had before. Like she had someone there that was a home person and that was new. Usually she softened later, at home, with Henry, with Will. But now -- having Emily here meant being the same JJ she was at home on the job. And in an entirely different way it meant having something she loved there, and in danger, and outside of the protection of her body at any given moment. It wasn’t like a feeling she could tuck away until later. Emily was a real person, her own person. It made keeping her close important and difficult at the same time, always torn between needing her near by but always winding up softer when she was. That was present now, with Emily’s hand in hers and the careful tone in her voice. “I know,” JJ answered, “I know it’s not my fault. But it’s still -- I’ll just feel better when we know Reid’s okay.” It would have to be enough. Sometimes feelings got the better of your head. They rolled the car up to Dinah’s and JJ climbed out with authority back in her step. 

Emily was right, the place was empty. “Looks like she left in a hurry.” There were things strewn about, misplaced and disheveled. Including a packed bag. “Too much of a hurry.” JJ picked the bag up and began combing through Dinah’s things, pulling out a photo of a child from the bottom. “Seems like she packed the most important thing first. This could be what she’s scared of. If this kid is someone she loves -- We gotta call Hotch.” 

Emily’s nod was small, reassured that she wasn’t letting her own personal trust issues lead to paranoia. If JJ agreed too, something was up. It’d be unlikely that both of their instincts were off. Emily tried to think back over her interactions of the last couple days and who would have a motive to keep them out of the loop. Emily took the news of the surgery in stride, and shifted casually closer to JJ when her voice dropped to keep their discussion more private. It wasn’t surprising that the others had their own suspicions, and right then all they could do for Reid was figure out what was really going on. “We’re on the same page,” Emily agreed with a confident nod, touching the tips of her fingers to JJ’s arm as they stopped. She had the same thoughts of wanting to keep JJ close. “Like hell I was going to let Rossi have your back instead of me. You’re stuck with me now, Jareau.” Things were serious but Emily smiled anyway to deal the gravity of things. And there was something about knowing that JJ wanted them together too.

 “So Hotch thinks Dinah might know something that could lead us to who is behind this?” Emily confirmed as she slid into the driver seat of the SUV again. “She doesn’t fit the profile of someone who would do that to the girls and I have a hard time thinking her the type to risk starting a shootout.” She was pragmatic from what Emily had seen and not exactly keen on talking to them. Although things had significantly escalated since the last time they had gone to the bar asking questions. “She’s been fairly tight lipped so far. Are you thinking she’s more likely to open up if we go at this together or separately?” She and JJ both could be effective interrogators, but in different ways. Since JJ had become a profiler, Emily had learned to trust JJ’s gut when it came to reading people. All those years as liaison, getting what they needed. It was the same skill put to a different use. 

Emily’s head stayed focused straight ahead but her eyes briefly cast down to JJ’s hand on her knee when it settled there. It was a welcomed silent comfort that Emily was glad JJ didn’t pull away as the drive continued quietly. Emily worked her jaw from side to side as her stomach churned uncomfortably with the knowledge of how desperate things were for Reid. So much gunfire JJ had said. Emily had to shake off thinking on it even as the why pricked at the back of her mind. The air felt heavy with anxiety and tension, though there was a warmth to JJ’s gesture. Emily distinctly recognized the feeling from when thy stayed together. The way a simple touch from JJ made her feel stronger and less willing to give in to the grave thoughts that plagued her. It was actually something JJ had always done for her. Unknowingly keeping the dark at bay. Emily could see it more clearly now how JJ anchored her when she needed something solid. 

The badges made things easy once they got to the hospital, staff ready to help. “Garcia, you go check on Morgan while JJ and I will see what information we can get on Reid.” Emily glanced to JJ to ask for silent confirmation. Morgan’s condition would be far easier for Penelope to handle. “He’ll want a friendly face and we will come find you once we know something. And don’t let Morgan convince you he’s allowed up without a full clean bill of health. Get tough on him if you need to”  If Garcia suspected that Emily had any other motivations in keeping close to JJ, she didn’t let on and easily agreed. “Can you pull out the old liaison hat and talk to the doctors while I can be good moral support?” Emily asked JJ once it was only them. JJ knew people and how to get information and answers. Emily would be there whatever those answers happened to be. She didn’t know if JJ similarly felt stronger when they were together, but Emily hoped she did because right then they all could use what extra strength they could get. “I hate to say it but I honestly don’t want to trust information from anyone except the original source at this point.” Intentional or not, they had been left in the dark which they couldn’t afford when it came to Reid. Already Emily was trying to not let panic set before they knew details.

JJ was prepared to oblige Emily’s plan, to go and talk and ask questions and get pushy if they had to. But she stopped, on the words Emily said next, words that had maybe not actually been spoken out loud between them since they’d reconnected at the station. “You feel it too,” she said pointedly, eyes fixed and narrowed on Emily. "That suspicion -- like they’re keeping us in the dark on purpose. Something’s wrong.” JJ said firmly, her mind finally made up now that she was sure Emily had a strange sense about it too. She pursed her lips, thinking and curious when her phone rang. 

“It’s okay,” Emily assured quickly to JJ’s apology. It wasn’t her fault and Emily was simply grateful she was there now and unscathed. Her hand was gentle and warm on Emily’s arm, the exact kind of non-verbal reassurance she needed. Her expression fell again, because while JJ was safe Reid wasn’t. “Reid will be okay. He always is. That big brain doesn’t know how to give up,” Emily said because she had to believe it herself and she knew how JJ worried about him. “Garcia’s in the other room,” Emily looked back over her shoulder. “I… I didn’t know how you were and you know Garcia and that face she makes when she is upset. It wasn’t helping.” Now that JJ was there and close she could admit how pent up she’d let herself get. Laugh at herself in retrospect. “She’s going to be glad you came to get us. We didn’t even know what hospital the team was being sent to.” Emily allowed herself one more breath and a moment to hold on to JJ before reluctantly letting go. “We can grab Garcia and I can drive us. Let you breathe a little.” Emily shook her head. It shouldn’t have come to this. They knew he hadn’t been the guy. The team should have never have been in danger. “He ran?” Emily clarified. “Doesn’t sound like suicide by cop.” She stuck close to JJ as they went to get Garcia, trying to regain her bearings when it came to this. It shouldn’t have been much different than all the other times JJ had come back from being in the line of fire. She’d loved JJ then just as she loved her now. It was about figuring out how to tell herself it was no different or a better way to box away the worry that had a newfound insistence to it.

JJ nodded, trying to take in Emily’s words. Her worry for Reid was overshadowing most of her head for the time being. He hadn’t looked good. It wasn’t good. But she didn’t want to say that now and worry Emily more than she already was. If she wanted to be the optimist in this moment, JJ was willing to let it be. Even with that bit of optimism, there was still worry and panic pouring off of everything Emily said and it made it nearly impossible for JJ to quiet that small bit of anger that kept flaring up in her chest. “They should have told you,” she muttered again but trailed off in favoring of not bothering with another apology and focusing instead on the questions Emily had as they cleared the station toward finding Garcia. “Yeah it -- “ JJ shook her head, lost in though a little, recalling the incident. “It didn’t feel like suicide by cop. He was scared. It was a set up. This was a guy who would rather be dead than get caught but didn’t want either if he could help it. And there was -- it was so much gun fire. Like he wasn’t alone. But there was no one else there. I can’t be sure. I was focused on trying to get a clean shot. We can -- we’ll talk to Morgan and see if he saw anything.” Once they had Garcia with them, JJ caught her up to speed too and all three of them filed into the car. JJ didn’t argue with Emily’s plan to be the one to drive, even if she wouldn’t have minded keeping control for a little longer. Emily was probably right that she wasn’t in the headspace for it. “Where were they hit?” The ride left ample space for Garcia to ask all of the questions he always did. It was just like her, to need the specifics even when they were hard. “Derek in the shoulder. He was walking. He was on his feet. Reid’s was -- it hit his neck.” JJ said nothing else. And this time neither did Garcia. But in the silence that followed, her mind wandered again, that no one had been told, that it could have been her, that Emily had been worried, and in JJ carefully and quietly dropped her hand across the center console to Emily’s knee and left it there.

Two of ours. Three of theirs. Emily was an internal mess without details. They weren’t even completely certain of what hospital they had been sent to let alone who was down. Emily had half a mind to find anyone in the sheriff’s department and tell them the complete lack of communication was unacceptable. She knew better though than to upset the balance they had with local law enforcement, especially one like this. JJ was the one good with dealing with people. Emily just wanted answers. JJ. Usually Emily could control her emotions, use them even. Let them in to have their moment and then push them away. Except this time Emily’s hands shook and each time she caught Garcia’s distressed expression it threatened to shake her own control loose. She needed space, away from Garcia’s readily apparent concern and Rossi’s questioning eyes. This had happened before. It was their job. And yet now it felt much more intense. There was more to lose and the surface calm that Emily could usually find was harder to hold to. Two of ours. Three of theirs. It rang in Emily’s ears again to the beat of her thudding heart. The odds weren’t good.

Emily was trying to focus on the case, hands on her hips when JJ strode through the doorway. Safe, whole, ponytail bouncing behind her in a sight that almost caused Emily to burst. “JJ!” She had just enough presence of mind to not outright bolt to the other agent. The swell of relief was nearly overwhelming as Emily immediately closed the distance between them. “Thank god you’re okay,” she breathed out, settling for putting one hand on JJ’s arm and sliding it down until she could hold at the crook of her elbow. “They didn’t give us names of who had been shot” The part of her that tended toward paranoia thought that the officers enjoyed the power of keeping the FBI in the dark. Emily’s eyes darted over JJ reassuring herself that she wasn’t hurt, and she visibly swallowed down the lump of emotion in her throat she couldn’t afford right now. They still hadn’t caught who was behind everything. Mills was the fall guy. And they were down two agents. “Morgan and Reid? What happened?” A shootout could have meant anything. Emily hadn’t taken her hand away from where she held on to JJ, like the blonde could provide the stability needed to stop her body that had been vibrating since she entertained the prospect that JJ was headed to the hospital again.

Their job was never easy. It was always hard, always dangerous. But some days were more dangerous than most. Some days were scarier. Some days left JJ operating on instinct, clutching on the trigger of her gun, worried for the lives of her team mates. Today was one of those days. This was one of those cases, where they couldn’t find the answers and things weren’t slowing down. Fortunately, she was good at slowing in the chaos and JJ did just that, drove back to the station to talk to others, to get Emily and Garcia and bring them to the hospital so they could all be together. She hadn’t thought about it until she was in the car -- how grateful she was that Emily hadn’t been there, that she wasn’t worried about anyone else’s life that she loved right now. 

JJ entered the station in quick determined strides and was met immediately with a panicked and distraught looking Emily. Something clenched like anger in her chest, a different sort of anger than she was used to, one that had her wanted to grab the nearest small town Texas cop and read him the riot act like only a mother could. She quieted that tension and settled her focus on Emily, on big, glossy eyes and the warm hand on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I thought you knew. I --” Her eyes shot over her shoulder anyway, around the station. Had everyone here just watched her team panic and said nothing? JJ tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, that the specifics hadn’t been passed on. But it didn’t settle right anyway. JJ lifted her hand to gently hold Emily’s arm as well. “I’m okay,” she assured again with a nod. Disheveled a little, worried about their friends, but on her feet. Which was more than anyone else could say. “He just open fired. It was a set up. He ran. Derek and I caught him but -- He’s gonna be fine. Spencer’s not so good. We have to get to the hospital. I just came to get you. Where’s Garcia?”

The quiet drive was nice, comfortable with the warm weight of JJ’s hand on her knee. The small physical touch was enough to satisfy that itch of wanting to be close to JJ and feel their connection. Emily followed suit and removed her shoes once they were in the door, her body immediately relaxing in the now familiar space of JJ’s home. “Aren’t you willing to pull out all the stops for me, Agent Jareau,” Emily matched JJ’s smile and moved closer until she could rest her forearms on JJ’s shoulders, hands linked behind her head. It was so different now, the mental panic that used to flare when JJ was cute or smiled at her a certain way was instead replaced with a rush of happiness that Emily could let herself enjoy. She hummed and let her brow knit in to mock dramatically consider her options. “I am usually all for day drinking, but I’d rather save the wine for tonight. I think I could use a nice relaxing bath. And you could join?” Emily suggested with a tilt of her head. “I’d hate to not take full advantage of the extra time Rossi was so nice to give us.” Whether he meant to or not. “And maybe I just fancy having you close.” Emily said happily and gave JJ a quick kiss. She let one hand smooth down the length of JJ’s arm as she moved away, grabbing one of her smaller bags to head upstairs. 

JJ could only smile, wide and grinning and a little too pleased, with how it felt to do things that made Emily happy. She settled into the weight of Emily’s arms draped over her shoulders, thankful for the steadiness they brought. JJ had always appreciated weight. She wasn’t the sort of person who ever wanted to feel weightless. She wanted to feel grounded, home. Like this. “I could join,” she tilted her head, still smiling, now a little more devilishly and leaned up into Emily’s kiss. It was an easy sell and they made their way to the bathroom. JJ never liked being home from work when she could be working. But Emily seemed to be bringing about some changes in the way she dealt with things. Maybe that was better. Maybe the problem with her and Will hadn’t been her all along, JJ considered. Maybe there was something missing in what she was coming home to that didn’t have the same pull. Once they were upstairs, she quickly tossed the shirt she was now only half wearing onto her bed and made her way into the master bathroom and it’s big tub. This somehow felt like her and Emily’s space now, JJ remembered how different it felt that night they’d sat here with Emily at her side, or that first night in the shower with her fear gripping the breath out of her chest. Now it was warm, safe, full of relief. Tugging her ponytail down, JJ shook out her hair and crouched to remove bottles from under the sink, facing Emily once she was standing again. “Lavender or Rose? What’s your floral fragrance of choice?” It seemed suddenly exciting that JJ didn’t know, that maybe there was still parts of them they had to discover, despite years of knowing each other. 

Emily smiled into the last kiss and took one steadying breath before she headed out behind JJ into the office. She held her hands up in a gesture of surrender that JJ wasn’t going to be fought on the topic. And while Emily hadn’t put up a fuss about being sent to JJ’s, she had a feeling that the other agent wouldn’t have insisted had Emily pushed back. Rossi’s suggestion surprised her and after a moment of looking between him and JJ, she nodded and gestured with her hand. “I wouldn’t say no to some extra company and a ride. I’ve had enough small talk with strangers for the day.” Rossi’s suggestion made sense beyond how much she wanted to jump at the chance at more time with JJ. She set her hand at the crook of his elbow and smiled, knowing that he was, like he always did, looking out for her. “Thanks, Rossi. You and boy wonder here try to get by without us.” She fixed them both with a playful look before adding seriously. “But call if anything comes up.” She glanced back at JJ, assuming she’d feel similarly. The BAU wasn’t known for it’s regular or convenient work schedule. 

“Thank you,” Emily said once they got in JJ’s car and she settled in the passenger’s seat. “For giving me the push I needed to talk to Hotch and transfer back even before you gave me something more to come back to.” She’d had time to think when she was back in London, why she had left, and what had been keeping her from returning to DC. “It was plenty of things that made me take the job with Interpol. I needed a change, wanted to prove I could do it, but deep down I was running. You helped give me the reminder that you all would still be here for me if I came back.” Returning after Doyle had it’s own set of challenges, and part of Emily had worried that she’d already worn out her second chances like the old adage you can’t home again. It had hardly taken fifteen minutes back in the bullpen to tell her otherwise. “I wouldn’t have done it without you.” 

JJ had this way that was gentle but insistent with Emily when she wanted her to take care of herself. It warmed her with affection the more familiar she became with it. Though better still was the way sending Emily home meant JJ sending her to her house. She hadn’t thought of her apartment in London as her home the whole time she’d been back there. And there wasn’t a place that she’d call home here yet either. Except when JJ pressed a little closer and talked to her in that soft voice, Emily knew this was what home felt like. It wasn’t a physical place or building. It was JJ. “You’re right. I might be more tired than I realized,” Emily said. “But I don’t think I could have rested without seeing you first anyway.” She gave JJ a quick peck. The initial surge of adrenaline was wearing off and the consecutive hours without sleep were catching up to her. “You promise me you won’t let the BAU keep you late tonight? Since there’s no case and all, and if I get that wine out we’ll be celebrating.” Emily grinned that their implied reason for celebration was them being together and nothing beyond that was necessary. She looked back towards the door where the rest of the office was and then back at JJ.”We’re not telling the team yet right?” Emily couldn’t have happier about being with JJ, but she also didn’t want all the questions that the team knowing would bring. Questions that they hadn’t answered yet themselves. “I want to be able to enjoy this with you first without the extra attention.” 

Emily’s eyes crinkled when she smiled, knowing just what JJ meant about needing the kiss. She had missed her too in all the ways that kissing her upon first opportunity conveyed. She almost cut in over JJ to assure her it was fine. Their time was good and things had been sudden with plenty to consider. Emily hadn’t held it against her. Instead she played with their fingers completely unprepared for what JJ said last. “You…” Emily’s face went from stunned to elated to simply speechless. She pressed her lips together as unexpected wetness pricked at the corners of her eyes. It was the lack of sleep and all the emotions. Damn JJ for never letting her fully get her bearings before knocking her over again.”You don’t know how happy it makes me to hear you say that. All of it,” Emily said, smiling softly though she thought her heart might beat clear out of her chest. “Because I’ve been in love with you for a while.” Saying those words aloud for the first time was like taking a giant leap across a chasm, the soaring sensation with the rush of adrenaline. Yet a weight had been lifted so she could finally make that full distance. “It’s real,” she found herself murmuring, fingers running up JJ’s spine. The last time she’d exchanged anything close to those words everything had been a facade. She hadn’t even been Emily Prentiss. To have it be real and with JJ was considerable to take in. “We have time now, so no more worrying about what we did or didn’t do.” For either of them. “Although I don’t know how you expect me to be able to walk back out there now. Might have get Rossi with his soft touch to send me home.” Emily took a deep breath and leaned into JJ.

JJ had needed to say it, to get the words out of her chest since it felt like they’d been dying to come out since the moment Emily left. Even if she never figured out what it meant or where it’d go, it was true. And it became more true the harder it became to keep them down. And now, with Emily here, JJ couldn’t have made the whole day pretending she could wait. She couldn’t wait. They needed to be out of her before the world took Emily away again, or took anything away again. Taking a breath, she focused on the steady touch of Emily’s fingers on her back and smiled, pulling herself a little closer. “Go home, Em.” JJ’s tone was gentle and soft. She realized only then that she didn’t actually know if Emily had gotten a hotel or an apartment or if she was staying with her. They hadn’t talked about it. They weren’t good at talking about anything. “Go to my house,” she added as a correction or explanation or both. “You’re tired and you deserve some rest. We don’t have a case right now. Go and ... take a bath and get some rest and get that wine out. I’ll bring the take out this time.”

JJ had barely given her time to speak before she was kissing her hard and fierce in a way Emily had dramatically envisioned her return to be but had hardly expected. It only took her a second to respond, pushing back with equal intensity like the kiss was all it took for the things Emily had boxed up inside of herself to come tumbling out. She moved with JJ, stretching to keep their lips connected a fraction longer as the other pulled back. Emily sucked in shallow breathes, wide-eyed and overwhelmed as she focused on what JJ said. She nodded first, struck completely silent. They hadn’t really discussed them beyond admissions to missing one another or the promises to be there. It had been vague and largely unspoken but what JJ was asking, even with it’s lack of definition felt concrete and real. She gave JJ an unbridled smile.  “I’m not going anywhere,” Emily finally found words, aware of just how hard JJ’s hold of her was like she didn’t want her to escape her again. Her own arm curled around JJ’s middle to reinforce what she said. “I’m all in with this.” With her free hand she ran her fingers through her hair and sighed happily. “But you’re going to need to give me some kind of warning if you’re going to kiss me like that again.” JJ was alot for her to handle, fueling a warmth inside her that sparked into sudden heat. Her head was still swimming, overwhelmed by the sea that was JJ, her cheeks flushed and rapid heartbeat revealing how affected she was. Emily kissed JJ again because she could, still getting used to newness of being able to give in to a desire she’d tucked away for so long.

It was all JJ needed. The reminder. Emily wasn’t leaving. Not again. No matter how many times she asked it JJ found herself still not sure if she believed it. She held on just as hard this time as she had when Emily had promised it before. But it did loosen the tight ache in her chest and helped to cool the desperate vibration in her hands. Emily kissed her again and JJ settled into it this time, less frantic, comfortable and warm and safe and... slower. They were okay. This was okay. They had time. She pulled back, fell back down on her heels. “I am going to kiss you like that again. Just .. not  here. As fun as here sounds,” JJ straightened herself out a little, shook off the way her emotions seemed to come out of her at full speed like a flare gun when they finally did. “I just needed to -- I missed you.” JJ’s eyes were even now, hanging on Emily’s and she let her hand fall back to hold the other woman’s fingers between them. “I don’t know why I didn’t kiss you more before you left and I don’t know why we didn’t -- We’re doing this for real. I just wanted to say it. To you. Before I kept waiting and all that time went by again. I think I’m in love with you, Emily Prentiss.”

Emily’s gaze tracked to JJ’s old office and then back to the other agent. They had talked a fair amount while she’d been away, but standing beside JJ now it was difficult to rein in all things she’d been thinking and feeling. JJ’s presence alone and the happy smile that Emily had missed so much was like balm to the physical ache that had been missing her. “Do any of us really know how to say no to work?” Emily asked rhetorically though she earned a shake of the head from Morgan. “Consider me all yours,” she said with a nod, ignoring exactly how the declaration sounded in light of things and gestured for JJ to lead the way. Once it was the only the two of them and the door shut behind her, Emily blew out breath through her mouth and cocked her head to the side. “Was it really my eyeballs you wanted so badly?” Her eyebrows went up questioning, almost teasing. It was all she could do to stop herself from pulling JJ close again, desperately wanting more intimacy. Instead she she toed up to the edge and waited like she had before for JJ’s signal to jump. She reached out and took one of JJ’s hands in hers and squeezed it. 

Without hesitation JJ headed in the direction of her old office, shutting the door behind her once she and Emily were inside. She locked it too. Just to be safe. Although JJ wasn’t sure who or what she was trying to be safe from. The blinds were shut, as they always were to block out the mess of the team’s case files and storage from the rest of the department. She stopped, standing in front of Emily watching her raise her eyebrows and take her hand. There was a smirk on her lips and Emily was playful but JJ felt heavy with weight and vibration and seriousness. Almost too serious. She was on Emily in a blink, one hand at the back of her neck, the other near her waist pulling them close as she brought their lips together, hard and fast and far too aggressive, like someone breaking through the surface of the water desperate for air after too long without it. They hadn’t done this even when Emily was there before, even after that first night and yet now, JJ needed it. It was maybe the only thing that would make her hands settle. She pressed her finger tips hard against Emily’s skin and her waist, kissed her without breathing until she finally pulled away, releasing the bruising pressure she’d put between them. “We’re really going to do this, aren’t we?” JJ finally breathed out the words. It was real now. The idea of them, the reality of them, the missing each other and the late nights and the desperate physical push. So much more real than it had been yet.