a gentle dissolve

everytime i feel like i made even the littlest bit of progress on this long road to healing. i wake up again, and the reality of it all just hits me harder and deeper. i'm scared to go to bed because i'm terrified to wake up and loose all the progress i worked so fucking hard for all day. feeling even worse and worse than the day before. its not even like i wake up feeling like i'm right back to where i started, but i wake up feeling even further back from where i ever began. the only relief and love i can feel is from my daughter, but she needs that love and relief from me. i'm absolutely terrified to wake up one of these days and not be strong enough. not be able to provide her with. the enormous amount of strength and love she has and always deserves. i know she does not deserve anything that has happened. it kills me everyday what i put her through. all i ever wanted to show her was love. what love looks like. what love feels like. i refuse to put her through anymore hurt. whether that begins or ends with me, i refuse to let her down again.