Afro Fairy

I think the statement "nor romantic nor platonic but a secret third thing" is kind of an oxymoron in many contexts, but especially in the context of shipping, and it definitely doesn't make any sense when it comes to sydcarmy.

One, cause that "secret third thing" would still be, by definition, still platonic.

The 'secret third thing,' to me, is just an attempt to put a name to elements mostly associated with romance: soulmatism, devotion, and a perpetual need/desire to be in each other's company. Even if those things can exist outside romantic feelings, in the case of Syd and Carmy, they have to be associated with romantic feelings, cause they do have romantic feelings for one another, despite what the narrative ever intended for those feelings.

So when all the "is a secret third thing" defenders come trought, what they are saying is that THEY SEE THE SOULMATISM, the things that cannot be fully explained by platonic love. They act like it's so noble to defend platonic love, but the truth is, most of the time, these defenders want the relationship to be categorized as definitely not romantic; they'd prefer this soulmatism to be totally devoid of any sexual/romantic possibility between the two people or characters. It is not different from this: "they were such good friends," used to describe queer closeted people in a relationship. This is a statement that is based on the idea that it would be 'better, more appropriate, more pure, more conventional, more noble' if these two particular people weren't involved in a sexual/romantic relationship. It is rooted in prejudice and social norms. (Cause God knows there are a lot of videogame 'fans' that sexualize characters that look like children, but that gets less hate than the interracial couple).

Back to the 'platonic' accusations.

Everything in Carmys and Syd's relationship: their artistic partnership, their friendship, their rivalry, ALL of that existed (and was built on) in the context of them having romantic feelings for one another, again, regardless of what they wanted to do with those feelings. All they did for each other, the ways they tried, failed, and succeeded to get closer to one another and be there for each other. All of that had the potential for a romantic resolution, built on a bridge of romantic desire (that was, most of the time, being actively repressed, yet it managed to surface every fucking time).

This point of "there should be space for platonic soulmates" is particularly obtuse to me when it's applied to sydcarmy. Cause

It is established that none of them has a romantic relationship that rivals this soulmate-like devotion. The show even went so far (by accident or intention) as to have Syd handle more of Carmen's struggles, doing so in such a selfless way that it was almost like they were telling us she was the better match for him and his recovery.

Both of them have expressed physical attraction and romantic feelings for each other. With Sydney, it's even in the text, in the things she says, in her themes on the show, and in the actions she takes. That was part of her character arc, even if you were to believe she was supposed to get over those feelings. For Carmen, it was most evident in his physical behavior around her and in the way he remained reminiscent of her in everything he did and considered her his ultimate safe zone.

not her stealing his name.

Well, if that doesn't blow people's minds away, which like for me, it would. If I got that on a piece of paper, I'd be like, yeah, we need like ten of you here, wow.

Then during the finale when Carmy is Talking to Richie about Panic Attacks they are both inside and the conversation about calm revolves around Syd subtextually him finally admitting about finding peace in her.

Blocking and positioning wise they are now on the same side inside the walk - in where he shares his source of peace.

He said the food overall was truly exceptional. And creative. He said the talent here is undeniable. That there's a scallop dish he hasn't been able to stop thinking about and the hospitality was beautiful. He said the room felt alive without being precious or try-hard.

“You’re The Bear.”

This declarative statement used to piss me off for various reasons and if you’ve read my opinions, you know why.  I understand subtext. I also understand what isn’t said or doesn’t need to be said. I understand this show relies heavily on things never said, but sometimes I just want it spoken plainly. It’s just a personal preference. But most importantly, I understand this show is human.

I had to pull the lens back and really think about someone like Carmy and how traumatized he is as an individual, and how difficult it is for him to articulate his thoughts.

I know this has been said before but It bears repeating: he is acknowledging that the soul of the restaurant isn’t the physical space..the star or himself. it is Sydney Adamu.

Now truth be told, I still sucked my teeth at this because this could easily fall into the magical negro trope which causes all sorts of feelings inside of me and so I told myself to breathe. I said Kim, let’s just expand more. So, I did.

Sydney is the heart of the restaurant. Throughout the series, Sydney gradually becomes the emotional center of The Bear. She built systems where Carmy created chaos. She developed people instead of simply demanding perfection and using them as tools. She gave the restaurant a future beyond survival. By season 5, the bear has become less about Carmy’s trauma and more about what Syd Is capable of creating. He finally recognizes the shift after she plated that pasta in season 4.

He’s giving up control. He always believes everything rests on his shoulders. Saying Syd is the bear is an act of surrender. He is saying; “This doesn’t belong to me anymore. It belongs to you.”

For someone who struggles with control that is an enormous expression of trust by saying “I believe in you.”  Carmy has always respected Sydney professionally, but he’s often struggled to express it without criticism or pressure.

By telling her, “you’re the bear.” By the end of season four and showed her in season five why that is true. He said you’re the leader. You’re the future. You’re capable of carrying this.  It’s recognizing her identity as a chef. Not just a partner.  

On a deeper emotional level, looking at Carmy, he rarely speaks directly about love or attachment. He tends to communicate through his work. To him, the restaurant has always represented his family. His grief over mikey. His purpose. His Identity.  So when he says Sydney is The Bear, he’s entrusting her with the thing that has consumed his enire life which is incredibly intimate.

Carmy is saying: “The thing that has meant everything to me…you’ve become it’s heart.”

EXCUSE ME?!?!

He is elevating Sydney by acknowledging that she embodies the values he wanted the bear to have but often couldn’t create himself. Leadership, stability, compassion, collaboration, and hope.

“You’re the Bear…” he also means: “You’re the best part of what we’ve built.”

 I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE THIS SHIT!

Carmy often struggles to tell people how much they matter to him and this is about as close as he comes to saying: “I trust you completely.” “I couldn’t have done this without you.” “This place is safe because you’re here.” 

Okay that’s some good shit.

I do love how well the emotional intimacy develops before the romantic intimacy can truly develop as Carmy and Sydney’s relationship has almost always been built on trust, vulnerability, and shared purpose rather than overt flirting.

By season four and five they’ve learned each other’s rhythm. They challenge one another. Support one another and increasingly become the person the other turns to first. That creates a good foundation for romantic feelings to emerge.

He is saying: “I see who you really are.” Which I think from Syd’s prospective, hearing him acknowledge that she’s become the heart of the restaurant validates all the hard work and emotional investment she’s put into not only being a chef but being at the bear.

 To me, what’s most sexy about this romance is that it would develop through recognition, not sudden passion. Carmy appears to be someone who falls in love through consistency, safety, and deep trust. Sydney is similar, values partnership, mutual respect, and being seen for who she is.

Wrote this before Season 5 so some of this is already canon!

Canonically, Carmy likes to decide what Syd is wearing. 6 days a week for most of the day, he decided she would wear a blue apron pre-service (he doesn't care about the rest of the staff just that they are "dressed like Syd") and he gifts her a custom Thom Browne chef's jacket with her exact measurements he somehow guesstimated based on multiple surreptitious observations. I've got a whole meta on how he always notices what Syd is wearing. He has designed dishes based on her dress and bandana, complimented her outfit and kept her scrunchie; he also dreams about waking up next to her with her hair curly. So, as boyfriend, I think he'd have a lot of opinions and preferences about her clothes down to the accessories. Like, I fully expect Carmy has a favorite bandana, ranks the earrings and hair ornaments. Most boyfriends would be bored when their girlfriend wants to shop for clothes but I think Carmy would enjoy being involved and would even gift Syd designer clothes and jewelry they mutually appreciate.

Carmy is the same height as Syd and, in a gender-swap that is foreshadowed by the song which plays in Syd's apartment party "dress me up in women's clothes," he likes to wear her clothes (sweaters, sweatshirts, hats, T-shirts from her mother with black empowerment messages). He also keeps one of her scrunchies or bandanas in his pocket to allay his own anxiety when he has to be away from her for any length of time.

Once these two actually start sleeping together, they will become exponentially more annoying to everyone who has to interact with them. They already gesture and speak in synch. That's about to evolve into a whole repertoire of giggles, secret signals, code-words and PDA--initiated by Carmy. Richie has no leg to stand on because he and Jess are now officially a thing too. Nat is always annoyed by them though.

Carmy is very physically affectionate. He does not like to touch or be touched by most people. He can't keep his hands to himself with Syd. He either has his hand on the small of her back or bumps her shoulder (Season 2 canon) and his crotch and eyes are always angled towards her. People, especially other men, have to talk to Syd with Carmy physically in between them. Syd does not show PDA or act possessive in this way. However she is constantly doing special little acts of service for Carmy that make him blush with happiness and they both walk around in a constant glow that is obnoxious to witness, particularly for anyone unlucky enough to be single in their vicinity and even people in relationships whose partners never can live up to Sydcarmy.

When it comes to intimacy, Carmy is very private. He resents sharing Syd with his family. He doesn't want to share her time with anyone in his family when they are home together; he needs privacy and safety with Syd before he can relax into making love to her. Everyone has had to learn that they cannot monopolize her attention outside of business hours. He sets the boundaries on her off-the-clock time which she has not been able to do, like a good partner taking care of her wellbeing. Carmy also miraculously discovers he and Syd can sleep in and arrive at the restaurant later in the mornings if they prep the ingredients before. Syd asks him why he never thought of these solutions before and he sheepishly admits he wanted to maximize every second he could with her but now that they live together, he craves alone time with her instead.

Carmy spends quite a bit of time with Emmanuel. It takes Syd by surprise sometimes how much time her dad and her boyfriend spend together without her around. Carmy relishes the gentle wisdom and bonhomie that Syd's Dad exudes and hanging out with him heals the wounded place in his own heart that Mikey's death and the Berzatto Dad's abandonment left behind. Emmanuel has taken to dropping by the Bear in the daytime and even sharing Family Meal. He gives Richie great advice on how to win over Jess's Dad and her brothers.

Carmy loves watching Syd. If she is folding laundry or packing meals to take to her dad's place, Carmy enjoys watching her. He loves the sound of her voice and demands she keep talking to him when they are making love. Sometimes, in social situations where he feels anxious without Syd, Carmy repeats word-for-word things that Syd has talked about. He is the world's foremost expert in Syd Studies.

Syd has quite elevated tastes. She owns a Chicago Symphony sweatshirt and another about Jazz. At Frank's house, she admires the original paintings and artwork alongside Richie. She and Carmy attend performances, visit museums and art galleries. With Syd, Carmy does not have to hide his artistic sensibilities and finds his circle expanding to include people happy to discuss these things with him without mockery.

Carmy loves cuddling with Syd. Soon after they move in together, he upgrades her couch to a larger L-shaped sofa that they can both cuddle up together on. He also insists on a flatscreen TV instead of her laptop so they can watch cooking shows together. They murmur things to each other at these times in short often one-word bursts that would be unintelligible to anyone else (like she'll watch the Nonna kneading bread and say "Rosemary" to which Carmy will respond "with the lardo" because he instantly clocks what she meant).

Syd won't let Carmy cook for her for quite some time after he confesses he has fallen out of love with cooking. She makes non-Italian food and he canonically thinks her food is the best he has ever had. Italian dishes have traumatic associations for him whereas Syd's jollof rice soon becomes a new favorite. He has to grovel for a long time to get her to make her cola braised short ribs with risotto for him which is actually the best thing he ever ate (canon).

He can only fall asleep if she is next to him, pinned to the mattress with his arm and leg over her. He used to struggle to fall asleep and suffer from nightmares. Now he gets a sweet restful sleep and Syd has to squirm out of his grasp each morning because he tries to keep her in bed.

Syd has Carmy's artwork framed and hung above her Tyler Mitchell photos. The drawings he did of her hang in their bedroom. Mikey was the only person Carmy ever gifted his art to before Syd. The way his Xmas present to Mikey of the Bear restaurant was relegated to the Beef's bathroom made Carmy reluctant to give anyone his artwork. Syd's vocal appreciation for his artwork (with no underlying mockery) delights Carmy and makes him blush all over his face and neck.

A few times a month Syd and Carmy go to the movies with Marcus, Tina, Sweeps, Nat, Pete and Richie. Sometimes they watch something at each other's places. Carmy is at first resistant to sacrificing Syd time to Richie but she convinces him that Richie is part of their family lives. Eventually they all come to enjoy arguing with Richie about his hyperfixations on Friedkin, Phillip K. Dick, etc. The Faks, with their undying loyalty that is entirely unearned to Red Flag and disloyalty to Syd as head Chef who has been nothing but good to them, have been fired by Richie when he returns from his Japan trip. Ted was fired first and Neil was eased out of his position to be replaced by people who actually know how to work for a living. Anyone who does not treat Syd well (and even those who disrespect Carmy) are excluded from the tight circle that surrounds Syd and Carmy.

Due to a fat bonus earned from hosting a late night work event for Frank's tech bro buddies at the Bear, the restaurant can close early for the Xmas holidays. This Xmas is spent at Emmanuel's on the big dinner table with members of Syd's family including T.J., and Marcus brings his Dad and his mysterious brother. People share the work of cooking (Marcus on dessert duty, Tina brings side dishes) which means Syd is not overwhelmed the way DD was on Xmas. It is a cherished new memory that overwrites the traumatic associations Carmy had with Xmas post-Fishes. He also asks Emmanuel formally for Syd's hand which makes this memory even sweeter.

I did have it the worst, though. No. Yeah. No, are you fucking— The only daughter of an absolute maniac. I was the baby. Are you fucking kidding? She— No, she was fucking obsessed with you. Oh. Me? Yes. She was obsessed with you.

Natalie doesn't understand what Carmy means when he says, "I was the baby." Whew. Donna kept Carmy close as the baby. He had a front-row view of her borderline behavior. I'm sure they all did, but there's something about being the baby of the family and being treated like the "little prince" or "little princess." There's a distinct loneliness in being the youngest sibling when you have a parent who's emotionally unhealthy.

Carmy seemed to take on the role of constantly providing reassurance and comfort. He was almost like a teddy bear. When your parent keeps you close the way Donna kept him close, it's a different kind of pressure. It's a different kind of loneliness. You're there solely to provide comfort, but that comfort is never returned. The comfort, attention, affection, safety, and emotional and physical protection that a parent is supposed to give their child are the very things Carmy never really received.

The roles of the firstborn and the middle child are, of course, different, and they all experienced trauma in their own way. But I completely understood what Carmy meant. He may have been the "little prince," but not in the way Natalie imagined.