All My Thoughts

Me and my sister talking:

My sister: I’m not posting anything on Facebook about Mother’s Day

Me: Yeah me either, like what, happy Mother’s Day in heaven even thought I don’t believe in heaven so it’s like pointless

My sister: like yeah what am I supposed to say

Me: happy Mother’s Day to my mom who’s at the graveyard, hope you have nice day in the ground

Both of us: start laughing

Both of us: start crying

Both of us: agree that we are fucked up and laugh again

Later on that day, after we had been to the graveyard to visit our moms grave and notice that rock that said peace that was on the grave was broken into pieces and half of it had ended up across the graveyard.

My sister: yeah I guess the wind probably blew it away and it got all smashed up.

Me: that’s really weird though, just the way there were a bunch of little pieces on the grave and how a big chunk of it had ended up pretty far away.

My sister: maybe it was mom, maybe she through it

I never really understood what it meant to grieve until my mom died. I knew my mom was sick but I think a part of me didn’t think she would actually die; I mean how could she? She was my mom and there was no way she would die from cancer. She did in fact die within 9 months of being diagnosed with breast cancer, which later spread to her bones and brain.

I remember the day she died; she was in another city and I had to work, I had taken some time off but couldn’t afford to fly back and forth. Our family all thought she would be flying home within a week until her doctors decided what the next step was for her as she didn’t seem to be doing well. I still did not believe she would die. I felt like something would change at the last minute like in a sappy movie where everything turns out alright in the end, no matter what. My dad called me in the morning on October 1, 2016. He said my mom wasn’t doing well. I tried to get the next flight available, but everything was booked up until the afternoon. It didn’t matter because she died within a couple hours anyways. My dad and I had been on the phone, on and off for a few hours, he was keeping me updated and I was letting him know the status of my flight plans. When he called me that last time, all he said to me was “mom’s gone.” I thought he meant she was moved to another room or something. It didn’t register in my brain. I asked him what he meant and he told me she has died. I just kept asking him what happened. She was sick, weak, full of cancer and her body couldn’t take anymore. He asked me to call my older sister and tell her and I agreed. I wish I hadn’t. When I called her and told her what had happened all I could hear on the other end of the line were screams of anguish. I had to hang up on her because I couldn’t listen to it anymore. I will never forget the sounds my sister made when I told her that our mother had died.

The weeks that followed now seem to blur into one another. I remember crying myself to sleep for at least a two months and usually crying when I woke up in the morning and various times of the day. After about 5 weeks I returned to work so I tried to lessen my crying but it still happened a lot more than I care to admit. Its been over two years and I still feel the loss of my mom every day, it’s still painful every day to live without her. My mom, my best friend and my greatest supporter.

It’s true what they say about grief, that it comes in waves. Sometimes it hits you out of no where, sometimes you can see it coming but you still don’t know how strong it will be until it reaches you. Holidays are painful for me especially as my mom was a very celebratory person, she loved to celebrate anything. My mom’s name was Debbie, she loved sunflowers, coffee, purple, toast, and fans. Sometimes I wonder if it’s normal to still grieve so deeply after more that two years, but I know in my heart that I have no control over this. Sometimes it feels like my chest wants to break open from the emotional pain I feel. Sometimes I feel empty. Sometimes I feel nothing. Tonight I am sad, and I wish my mom was here. I wish she could hug me and say to me “oh I love you so much” like she always used to say.” I miss her. I don’t know what I believe in or if I believe in anything but what I do know is that if she has a choice she would have stayed with me if she could, but she had to go, and wherever she is, I know that she misses me too.

I haven't posted anything in a long long time. Not that I ever did to begin with. I have been trying to decide if I wanted this Tumblr page to be just like fandomy stuff or also personal things, so seeing as how I can never decide anything I'm just go say fuck it and start posting whatever the hell I want cause it's too hard to decide anything for myself apparently.

-I feel like the acting was better in this episode than it has been lately

-I don’t ship Steroline, I don’t hate them though, i just don’t feel the chemistry. But when Caroline said to Stefan that in 100 years she will remember for the both of them, that line did give me some feelings, not for the couple but just for them as people/friends

-I don’t understand what happened with Bonnie. Was it cause of the bell? How would that kill her? Like ????Or cause the twins siphoned her magic. I don’t get it. I hope she isn’t actually dead.

-Out of the two brothers, Stefan is the one who deserves a chance at happiness and he def should not die. He has spent a lot of his vampire life suffering, feeling guilty etc. But at the same time if Damon dies then I know that would hurt him so much, so I dunno. #conflicted!!!

-If it turns out that It’s actually Katherine in Elena’s body, that would be very very disappointing. Whatever happens, Elena deserves to have her story wrapped up properly. I see a lot of Elena hate, but at her core she was always a good person (minus humanity-less Elena). If she dies, or never wakes up, that would be tragic and very unfair to her character after everything she has been through.

-Poor Ric. I liked him a lot in this episode, he actually showed feelings other than anger/irritation.

-I always hate Vicki. I would have preferred they brought back a different character who wanted revenge. Like I rewatched season 1 a while ago, and in all Vicki’s scenes I literally cringe. Like she just wasn’t a sympathetic character to me.

-Caroline looked really pretty in her dress!! And that comment from the towns saying mommy looks pretty, and then Rick’s face, just made me go😍😍

-I actually don’t have any hopes for any of the ships, like any of them, even the ones that I don’t ship. Over the years this show has systematically built and dismantled ships so many times that I don’t see any point in rooting for any of the current or past ships. I’m just rooting for the ship of the ric and his future happiness.

Day 2: Post a link to a song that makes you happy. Send it to another Tumblr.

Eyes on you-Kings of Leon