À Fleur De Couleur

I thought I’d brighten things up to thank you for saving me last night.

SUNFLOWERS in VINCENT AND THE DOCTOR | 5.10

Une fois de plus, tu subis. Passivement, tu attends que quelque chose arrive, tu attends le petit déclic dans ta tête qui te dira « putain bouge toi, lève tes fesses, fais quelque chose ». Mais les voix qui parlent disent tout, tout sauf ça.

Tu n’entends plus rien à part ces petites voix dans ta tête. Elles parlent sans s’arrêter, elles parlent tellement fort, tu ne comprends plus rien. Tu es comme hypnotisée. Tu n’es plus vraiment toi même.

C’est pire qu’avant, tu ne savais pas que c’était possible. C’est comme si on avait rassemblé toute la douleur que tu avais ressenti au cours de ta vie, et qu’on te l’avait jeté au visage, qu’on l’avait remise en toi.

Tu ne sais plus rien, tu ne sais même plus pourquoi tu continues de te lever le matin, de te coucher le soir, ou même pourquoi tu continues de respirer.

Parce que l’air autour de toi est irrespirable, tu suffoques à chaque bouffée d’air. Tu n’essayes même pas de lutter. C’est comme si tu sentais que c’était fini, que cette fois, tu n’en sortiras pas.

garden gnome glitch

A few months ago I missed two periods in a row and took a pregnancy test that turned out to be a false positive. I went to Planned Parenthood to get a professional opinion and with the full intention of getting an abortion if it turned out that I was pregnant against all odds. There was no fear beyond the usual nervousness you experience at the prospect of a medical procedure. There was no emotional turmoil over my decision. I know what I want and it isn’t kids. The choice was an easy one for me.

When I finally opened up about my pregnancy scare to a few friends, all of them “good” feminist women, they were almost offended over how easy the decision was for me. “If you had been pregnant that may have been your only shot at a biological child. How could you just give that up without more thought?” One asked me. “So many women in your position would kill to be able to get pregnant and you were going to just throw it away?” Another one said to me.

I am not an incubator for other women’s hopes and dreams. If I ever do get pregnant I will not stay that way just because other people in my position would be grateful to have a chance at experiencing pregnancy/birth. I’m not interested in that. I never will be. I don’t want children.

I am not an incubator for other women’s hopes and dreams