The Woman Dies | Aoko Matsuda | Granta Magazine
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@aegypiusmonachus
The Woman Dies | Aoko Matsuda | Granta Magazine

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Concept: itâs been five years since we got married. Iâm finally starting to excel in my dream career. We both make enough money to thrive. Our house isnât huge, but itâs perfect for us and our animals. We sprawl out on the couch together. Iâm reading, and youâre playing video games. When I look at you, all I can do is smile and run my thumb across your fingers. We did it. This is all I could ever ask for.
Saying âFuck itâ actually motivates me more than âYou can do thisâ.
Because saying âfuck itâ includes the total acceptance of failure as the outcome, meanwhile âyou can do thisâ focuses only on the hopes of a successful outcome and the lack of acknowledgement of the equally probable failure outcome induces a certain level of unspoken anxiety
ââŚthe Way of the Warrior is resolute acceptance of death.â
âMiyamoto Musashi, âThe Book of Five Ringsâ
âfuck itâ â the true warrior code
âI treat myself like I would my daughter. I brush her hair, wash her laundry, tuck her in goodnight. Most importantly, I feed her. I do not punish her. I do not berate her, leave tears staining her face. I do not leave her alone. I know she deserves more. I know I deserve more.â
â Michelle K., I Know I Deserve More (via embracingwild)
every few months it feels like i relearn the whole entire world

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Lil is dead and I didnât get to say goodbye because I live in this shitty state hoping someday Iâll matter
you have grown accustomed to discovering all the ways     you can make the pain intangible, unrecognizable
â Olivia Gatwood, from âThe Ritual,â New American Best Friend
does anyone else constantly get the feeling that youâre running out of time?? and for no reason!! i could be lying in bed in the middle of summer vacation and my mind is like âhurry up!!! before itâs too late!!!â and iâm just like âhurry up and do what?? leave me alone wtf!!!â
Thank you for that expedient conclusion, brain.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Concept: itâs been five years since we got married. Iâm finally starting to excel in my dream career. We both make enough money to thrive. Our house isnât huge, but itâs perfect for us and our animals. We sprawl out on the couch together. Iâm reading, and youâre playing video games. When I look at you, all I can do is smile and run my thumb across your fingers. We did it. This is all I could ever ask for.
so tonight im working super late at an adults-only event at the zoo where itâs basically endless beer and wine tasting and then wandering around the zoo at night. Keepers mainly sit around then we just take turns going up for a circuit through our areas and let me tell you as the night has gone on things have gotten more entertaining. So far I have seen: -A group of drunk girls legit crying in front of the puffin exhibit because theyâre Too Cute -A dude pointed at a vacant eyed, open mouthed, coldwater fish and, completely deadpan, turned to his friend and went âitâs youâ -overheard a very serious debate on whether or not sea turtles sleep (âTed you fucking moron everything fuckin sleeps jesus christâ -A girl stroking her hand back and forth on the glass in front of a chillin Amazon cichlid (idk what part ok freshwater exhibits aint my thing) cooing âItâs just so pretty I want to be itâs friendâ -A man enthusiastically singing a ballad in front of the aquarium with some grand drunk improv like one standout line was âWhat we doin at the zoOOOoooOOooo? We drinkin a breeEWWWwwwwwwwww!â
-a very harried voice on the radio sighing âwe need more captain morgan and vodka at concessionsâ -five calls for medics -three calls for broken glass -A girl standing on her own in the middle of the shark reef tunnel, staring straight up with an open mouth and arms limp at her sides, oblivious to all the people around her - âAhaha. holy shit look at all of itâs legsâ said in front of the octopus exhibit -overheard a loud furious âDID YOU JUST FUCKING AS ME IF THE PENGUINS ARE FAKE?!â -This exchange on the radio âHi concessions to event management? What do we do with the used napkins?â Long pause, then a disgusted âYou throw them away. Because theyâre garbage.â (honestly prayer circle for concessions) - âholy shit itâs nemo what up dudeâ (I hear a million variations of âi found nemo!â but this is my favorite so far ok)
There may be version 2.0 of this post as I plan on not working Brew at the Zoo this year, but actually ATTENDING
Can i get a step by step on how to do this?
So far for me itâs been something like:
1. Become aware of how and when you tearing yourself down.
2. Now that you can catch yourself doing it. Offer counters to the negative self talk. A really useful thing I read was to talk to yourself almost the way you would child. Gentle and patient. Even when they fuck up.
3. Take time to celebrate your small accomplishments. Youâve been attacking yourself for every little mistake. Apply that same fervor to the positive things in your life. Did the dishes even though you didnât want to? Fuck yeah! Got up and took shower? YES!!! You are taking positive steps to feeling better. Celebrate it.
4. Make lists of things youâre good at/ like about yourself. The first time I did this the only two things in my list weâre that I liked my hair and I had good friends. It was start.
5. Donât beat yourself up if you screw up steps 1-4. Itâs counter productive. When I catch myself calling my self stupid for some mistake or other my response now is,âWe donât talk to ourselves like that anymore. Whatâs something constructive that could actually help solve the problem.â
Most of the time that seems to work. Not always. But more and more Everytime.
I hope any of that made sense.
oh my goodness there are instructions!!
*interacts with people*
*has to take a four hour nap*

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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