Jumping from child care to private security really messes with you. I keep saying "oopsie daisy" and encouraging drunk folks to "go home, drink some water and take a nap, and let's try again in 24 hours, okay?" Best part by far is that it's working. Guy went like he was going to fight me the other day and his buddy said "you leave the nice lady alone"

The flip side of "children are human" is that hey a bunch of things that work on kids also work on adults who would've guessed.

I have a folder on my work computer labeled "approving GIFs" and when one of the project managers or engineers does something helpful (or does something correctly the first time I ask), I send them an approving GIF. When I had to work in an office, I gave out actual gold star stickers for the same reasons.

You’re not depressed. You just need $250,000 in your bank account.

Reblog to materialize $250,000 in prev's bank account

oh boy i wish someone would notice my cries for help! [someone actually notices] noooo i'm fine don't worry about me

great. a chivalric order has started nesting under my porch & theres no way i can afford a warlock to come clear it out so i guess now ive got to deal with men-at-arms swearing oaths of valor right outside my window at 4 am every morning

Bridgerton men get told to shut the fuck up for the first time in their lives and start imagining themselves in a wedding dress

[looking at people younger than me] you have your whole life ahead of you [looking at people older than me] you have your whole life ahead of you [looking at myself] its over