my cousin vinny
from the 1992 film. alter as needed.
you could have been caught. what if somebody saw?
the laws are medieval down here.
there's nothing to worry about until there's something to worry about.
fuck! what are we gonna do now?
ridiculous. all this over a can of tuna.
it was a stupid thing to do.
i'll sign a statement or whatever makes this whole thing easier.
it wasn't planned out. you know, it just happened.
your friend has put you in a lot of trouble.
we figured the weather and the scenery would be nicer going through the south.
at what point did you shoot the clerk?
do you know any great attorneys?
you stick out like a sore thumb around here.
i bet the chinese food here is terrible.
that's just a figure of speech.
gotta let everybody know you're a tourist.
what are you, a fucking world traveler?
if i was in your situation, i'd want to get through this whole thing as quickly and with as little pain as possible.
maybe we should spend a couple of minutes together, you know, to get acquainted before we, uh, you know, before we get to it.
you're getting fucked one way or the other.
excuse me, but i think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
i think you should be down on your fucking knees.
you're getting me for nothing, you little fuck.
boy, that's one hell of an ego you've got.
i did not come down here just to get jerked off.
this is not the forum to be cavalier.
don't think being from new york you're gonna get special treatment.
want to sit at the counter?
what's the story with this incredibly, remarkably loud whistle at 5:30 in the morning?
sure. sure. i heard of grits. i just actually never seen a grit before.
go ahead, honey. you gonna try it?
don't talk to me sitting in that chair.
i'm, uh, wearing, uh, clothes.
comb your hair and wear a suit and tie.
there seems to be a great deal of confusion here.
there are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.
i don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. i don't even want to hear you clear your throat.
you didn't look like you knew what you were doing.
didn't they teach that in law school?
i thought maybe this summer i would take off a couple of months.
i don't know how you can be so sure when you don't know what it is you're supposed to know.
i could use a good ass kicking, i'll be very honest with you.
if i was to kick the shit out of you, do i get the money?
wouldn't your mother be more upset if you die?
they love to argue. i mean, they live to argue.
'"dead-on balls accurate"?
i guess the fucking thing is broken.
i heard two loud bangs like firecrackers.
i'm bound to fuck up a little.
you got thrown in jail. twice.
i know i was in jail. i don't need you to point it out to me, okay?
you're supposed to stand by your man, you know, encourage me a little bit.
oh, you are a smooth talker!
you ragging on me is not gonna give me any great spontaneous knowledge.
i don't know. i don't feel good.
how the fuck did i get into this shit?
i think that once you're out there, and you're doing your thing out there, i think you're gonna be really great.
why don't you just tell me your side of the story.
nobody pulls the wool over the eyes of a [last name], especially this one.
all i ask is for that one chance. i think you should give it to me.
there's more to cross examination than knowing what to say. it's knowing what not to say.
how do i know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
i'm a happier man for it.
imagine you're a deer. you're prancing along. you get thirsty. you spot a little brook. you put your little deer lips down to the cool, clear water. bam! a fuckin' bullet rips off part of your head. your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces.
that's very impressive finessing.
it's called disclosure, you dickhead.
what are you nervous about? i'm the one under the gun here.
i'm watching you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you, and i can't do anything about it.
my biological clock is tickin'! like! this!
i ain't slept in five days.
i thought it would be a nice surprise.
i don't like your attitude.
everything that guy just said is bullshit.
you will not use that kind of language. you understand me?
don't shake your head. i'm not done yet.
no self-respecting southerner uses instant grits.
perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove.
that is a lucid, intelligent, well thought out objection.
i'd like to speak to you in my chambers.
no, you can't help. i wish you could, but you can't.
and i didn't think i could feel worse than i did a couple of seconds ago. thank you.
i will ask you one more time and one more time only.
please. i only have three minutes.
we don't have a lot of time. just shut up.
what is it with you with that mouth?
i don't give a shit! leave me alone!
you think i'm hostile now, wait til you see me tonight.
fiancée? well, that would certainly explain the hostility.
sit down and stay there until you're told to leave.
it's a bullshit question. it's impossible to answer.
i find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture.
a corvette could never be confused with the buick skylark.
you've been a lovely, lovely witness.
i'm sorry to have ever doubted you at any time.
i want you to know, you got an open invitation anytime you want to come down here.
i feel like if i don't get out of here now, i might never be able to leave.
this could be a sign of things to come.
oh, my god, what a fuckin' nightmare!
i thought we'd get married this weekend.
i want a wedding in church with bridesmaids and flowers.
how many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?