ongoing crisis©️

am I gonna get my life figured out and be happy where I'm at or am I gonna lose my mind and disappear forever? the world may never know cuz I can't make a decision to actually save my life

Haven't been on here in about 9 months lol lots of growth and I changed my name

I’ve gotten so close to committing unalive and it scares me but nothing else seems like it would fix anything :/

So much shit has happened in the last couple weeks and multiple times I’ve considered checking myself into psych but I just would rather die and never have to worry again..

Sometimes I want to message people from my past to apologize or find out why they did what they did but that’s probably not healthy lol

I stayed awake for 43 hours and now I’m late for work because I finally slept last night and slept through every single alarm 🙄

2021 just hasn’t been my year.. I’ve spent the last 4.5 months in a state of extreme depression and confusion. I quit my job and switched from nights to days which is killing my sleep schedule but at least I can see my friends again. I’ve been “single but not actually single” since my break up in January and that doesn’t seem to be changing any time soon unfortunately. My ability to focus on anything is gone and instead I have intense anxiety over everything. I got rid of a friend of 6 years who I used to consider my brother. I can’t get any decent sleep because of insomnia and when I do sleep my trauma nightmares have come back. I woke up yesterday morning to a flat tire that I can’t afford to fix. I just really need something to go my way :/

I hate that even 5 and a half years after my first suicide attempt, there’s still people who think I was attention seeking or trying to get my ex back. I genuinely did not want to be alive at that point in my life. I wouldn’t have taken 150 pills which was only about half of what I had in front of me at the time. It took 2 different people to convince me to tell my parents and even then, if I had waited 5 more minutes I would have been successful. The last thing on my mind was getting my ex back. Was it a dramatic reaction to my boyfriend cheating on me with my best friend? Most definitely. But none of my attempts were ever for attention. I was a dramatic teenager and have learned from that.

I feel like things would be easier if I could get closure from the worst times in my life. If I knew why Cody and Deanna did what they did, if I knew why I wasn’t enough for the others who cheated on me, if I knew why Deanna and Parker couldn’t accept me and continue being my oldest friends when I came out and needed them the most. I just want to know why I wasn’t enough for the people I loved the most. Because some of that was over 5 and a half years ago and I still think about why they weren’t haapy with me or happy for me figuring myself out. It’s that shit that keeps me up still and makes me worry about my future.

I just want to be a middle aged cool dad who has his life together god damn it