It Feels Like Freedom

If I had my way we’d sleep every night all wrapped around each other like hibernating rattlesnakes.

They won’t understand until you leave. The minute you walk away you’ll become ‘the best they’ve ever had.’ It’s crazy how loss triggers love.

I loved you long before I had the guts to let you know.

Someday, we’ll run into each other again, I know it. Maybe I’ll be older and smarter and just plain better. If that happens, that’s when I’ll deserve you. But now, at this moment, you can’t hook your boat to mine, because I’m liable to sink us both.

THIS IS NOT POETRY. THIS IS RIPPING YOUR HAIR OUT ON THE HIGHWAY, LOOKING DOWN AT THE CLUMP OF INSANITY IN YOUR HAND, THINKING OH GOD WHAT HAVE I BECOME. THESE ARE CUTS ON THE INSIDES OF YOUR PALMS FROM CLENCHING YOUR FISTS SO HARD THAT THE PHYSICAL PAIN DISTRACTS YOU FROM THE PAIN IN YOUR HEAD. THIS IS BEING ALONE. THIS IS ONLY HAVING YOURSELF. YOU ARE IN A HOTEL PARKING LOT OF AN UNFAMILIAR TOWN, AND A MAN IS TAPPING ON YOUR CAR WINDOW TELLING YOU HE WANTS YOUR DOG WHILE YOU SOB ON THE PHONE TO YOUR FATHER, TELLING HIM TO NOT COME GET YOU BECAUSE YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS HAS TO BE SAVED. THIS IS DRIVING 5 MINUTES ON THE INTERSTATE WHILE YOUR HEART RACES AND YOUR VISION BLURS, ONLY TO GET BACK OFF AND WORK UP THE COURAGE TO KEEP GOING ALL OVER AGAIN. THIS IS YELLING IN YOUR CAR ALONE, “I AM STRONG. I AM NOT MY ANXIETY. I CAN DO THIS.” JUST SO YOU CAN MAKE IT 14 MILES HOME. THIS IS NOT POETRY. THIS IS SELF-NEGLECT. THIS IS AVOIDING THERAPY, AVOIDING MEDICINE, AVOIDING GROWTH, AVOIDING LIFE. THIS IS EXPECTING PEOPLE TO ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU. THIS IS ASKING FOR HELP BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO FIX THE PROBLEMS FOR YOURSELF. THIS IS BEING A BURDEN ON THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE. THIS IS NOT BEING ABLE TO LOVE AS MUCH AS YOU WANT TO BECAUSE YOU ARE ALWAYS PUTTING YOUR FEARS FIRST. THIS IS WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT YOU NEED TO GET YOUR MENTAL HEALTH UNDER CONTROL BEFORE YOU DESTROY YOURSELF COMPLETELY. THIS IS THE MOMENT THAT YOU TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE IN CONTROL. THAT YOU WANT TO BE SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU ARE LIMITING YOURSELF TO BEING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT DOING EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO BE BETTER. THIS IS KNOWING THAT EVEN WHEN YOU THINK YOU CANNOT, YOU CAN. THIS IS YOUR TURNING POINT. THIS IS THAT SCENE IN AN ‘80S COMING-OF-AGE FILM WHERE ELECTRONIC MUSIC BLARES AND SOMEONE SITS ON THEIR FRONT STEPS OR ON THE HOOD OF THEIR CAR AND REALIZES THAT THEY ARE CAPABLE OF HAVING EVERYTHING THEY COULD EVER POSSIBLY WANT, AND THEIR FACE IS GLOWING AND YOUR HEART FEELS WARM JUST BEING THERE TO WATCH IT UNFOLD. TO SEE HOPE AND CRAVE IT. THIS IS WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF. REALLY LOOK AT YOURSELF. AND DECIDE THAT THERE IS SO MUCH MORE THAT YOU WILL BE.

I looked out of the window and saw the moon. Half of it was missing, and it reminded me of my broken heart. Even though not all of it is there, time will pass, and it will be whole again.

This is a thank you letter, sort of like the letter you give your relatives on the holidays because your mom has been nagging you to for the past five days but instead of my mom nagging me its me nagging me. It’s the dreams I still have of you, the butterflies in my stomach when I see you. It’s the way my head hurts in the morning and my body aches all begging me to write this. To you. They want me to tell you, I miss you. My world isn’t the same without you. Please come back let’s try again. But instead I want to say thank you, thank you for the time we shared together. Thank you for sharing parts of yourself with me that not many else have yet seen. Thank you for the late nights up in your bedroom, the long talks and just, just for you. Normally it’s hard for me to care this much. Normally it’s hard for me to feel this strong this quickly. To by fricken roses in a grocery store and think that I’m logically going to bring them to your house and beg for you back. Normally it’s hard for me to want and have this desire but with you it’s hard not care this much. But despite all of that its time for me to move on with myself. It’s time for me to let go. But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t love every single moment we that shared together and regret none of it. Although it was short lived it was more than I could have ever anticipated. Thank you for that.

There are plenty of things in the world to be sad about. But a boy who doesn’t love you shouldn’t be one of them.

When a flower doesn’t bloom you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.