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i owe jiraiblr a bigggg update for disappearing like that!!
im currently stayin at a friends due to the fact im unfortunately, clearly, too unsafe to myself to be on my own but my fam uh... could give LESS of a shit about that. sooo i gotta pick myself up and take this shit like a man (bl33d so much all over my friends floors that he thought i was going to D¡3. dont know how i managed to convince him no h0sp¡tal) but lets just say men Suck and are exactly all the fucking same even the woke ones. once im not in as much agony ill post again but !! i did start st4rv¡ng again which im quite happy about. ive found a really roundabout way to avoid eating too much when my friend forces me to eat cuz hes noticed i havent eaten as well!!! im really happy that im actually sticking to it to... finally no more b/p... so a YAYYY for that!!! goin to a con soon... hopefully... if i can get a coach up to manchester lol i havent bought the tickets for the coach yet and theres only One for the day i need to get up there LMAOO!! poor planning on my side honestly. oh well. im sure ill figure it out :)
*Waves my magic wand and encourages you to return from hibernation* /silly
But in all seriousness, I hope you're doing okay!! Or at least as "okay" as you can be ^^ sending love and hugs!! /p
- 🍋
save for my dangerous breakdown ive actually been doin pretty alright !! ^_^ i promise ill become more active on here once im not actively fighting for my life because ppl keep testing me as if i WONT end us both lololol
thank you once more lemon anon!! i promise ill be back to bein an internet angel as soon as i can :D
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Oh I see! I'll always be kind to you :D I think you're super cool <3 you deserve smm more followers and love in my humble (yet absolutely correct /silly) opinion!! And you'll see me pop in every now and then to check on you <3 cuz you deserve that too!!
- 🍋
ahh so sorry lemon anon ive been suffering with the plague that is d.i.d and amnesia TvT thank you!! i love everyone whos kind to me ... so i love you !!!
my art block is making my inferiority complex much worse. but also; why do i even expect anyone to care about me anymore? i barely talk to ppl nowadays. most ppl dont respond, or i get overwhelmed and isolate. i am miserable. i js wanna cvt myself, honestly.
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HIII *Eats you* I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL 💛 or if you're not I hope things get better :( sending loves and hugs!! :D
- 🍋
(heh. I'm a lemon.)
quite happy to see you again, lemon anon :) things have been a little rough but itll be okay soon. my brains got some catching up to do and its gnna be hell but worth it :) thanks for checkin up on me and i hope youre doin well too!!!
apologies to everyone i am and have been distant with in the recent and the coming days, a lot is happening all at once and i have yet another thing being added to my plate... i shall sleep for a week straight once things are over. its too hot to cvt, cuz ill js be irritated the entire time bc of bandages, so i cant do that, so ive js been suffereing with the urges. drawing it isnt the same. writing works a little, just a little, because i can make it as gross as i want cuz i have better skills in writing than in drawing. alas, i must suffer. alas, it is not my own doing. for once i was a decent person, and i am still being punished.
why must this happen to me? perhaps i should reach out to the person behind my friend groups back and befriend them again... everything went to even more shit (cuz things were hard with this person before but less frequent than it is now) when i stopped being friends with this specific person. and its... a lot. i feel guilty. my ocd is getting worse. i keep splitting on myself and being unable to do much of anything so im just sitting Angry. its too hot to sleep all day. everythings bad. i wish my brain was happy with my friend group telling me everythings okay, that i have nothing to feel guilty for, that i have no need to punish myself by hurting myself, that theyre okay and they will continue to be okay and its not my fault that this person is acting this way, and i wish it was enough i really do, that they actively continiously hang out with me on call even tho im completely silent cuz i keep having mute spells again.
i am a terrible friend. i wish to repair that. but it feels, quite frankly, impossible. everything is stacked against me and despite it all i have remained kind but all i wish now is to give my friends respite from the suffering they are going through caused by someone that *i* left and perhaps eradicating myself out of the equation would make things much better. would i be a better friend if i just left? would i be a better friend if i simply stopped existing, stopped talking, fully isolated myself again? perhaps thats the only thing thats fair. perhaps thats the only way to make things alright again.
my brain is completely shattered over a friendship i lost and i feel so guilty because everyone else went through so much worse with this friend of ours than us and theyre literally So normal about it. normal upset. but im brain shattered, exhausted and keep having panic attacks about it. i hate how weak i am.
i need to get worse so people believe me. i need to be more wreckless so people believe me. i need to put myself in more danger being a "party person" and a "fun haver" so ! people! believe! me! how many benders, sleepless nights, going places without a solid plan or money, going to concerts but not having a place to stay at the place theyre in, will it take for ppl to believe me???
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was my birthday today and all i did was play games all day... it felt so freeing to be able to do that guilt free. like yeah. its my Birthday. i can do what i want. it was nice!! anyway... happy birthday to phainon, too. its also his day!
