I Didn't Do It, I Swear

as a child of divorce few things are as funny to me as the concept of alimony like you have to pay your ex-wife recompense for the crime of being a fail husband

JUST GOT MY CRINGE MONEY FROM MY FAIL HUSBAND

I need this.

Reblogged last year, hoping it comes this year

🙏

nicki minaj is 30

how

she was born 30 years ago

you can tell a lot by a womans hands, for instance, she has hooves? horse. 

me: *overestimates the length of a yellow light and completely 100% runs a red light* me while driving away: I AM A BEACON OF SIN I AM A BEACON OF SIN I AM A BEACON OF SIN I AM A BEACON OF SIN I AM A BEACON OF SIN I AM A BEACON OF SIN I AM A BEACON OF SIN I

[JUDGE VOICE] did u do the thing

sorry i have bubonic plague i can’t hang out tonight

which are u: wine mom, beer dad, or vodka aunt

im an orange juice grandma

[DJing party for the first time]  sorry guys ignore this spotify ad the music should be back soon

I just know it was a woman who made the first soup. A man could not have this range

they didn’t text you back because they didn’t want to ok??? go do a clay mask its fine

this post makes me scream

dawn dimmadome? wife of doug dimmadome, owner of the dimmsdale dimmadome?

actually she took the dimmadome in the dimmadivorce

dimmadarn

so much of late 2000s music was like “we falling in love... in this club... we’re all family... in this club.... we’re having the time of our lives... in this club” like wtf we gotta get back to the club !!!