A Dalliance with Lust

The way I use it is as follows:

Green-> I can take more, i'm having a good time, keep doing what you're doing.

Yellow-> If you keep doing that, i'm going to have to call red soon. I'm getting near my limit but I CAN take more.

Red-> stop what you're doing and check in.

This allows for like, in a heavy impact scene i'll be hitting my boy and then he'll call yellow and I make a mental note. That's information. If I keep hitting him in that way, or in that place, or that hard, he's going to need to stop soon. Sometimes i DO stop and check in and see what's going on. Other times I keep going just to see how much he can take, then he calls red, and we take a breather.

I've never met anyone who offers up a Green without being checked in with. "Hey, can i get a color?" "green" "okay cool" and then I know that alls good.

Red works best as "stop and ask!" not as "stop and start aftercare, we're done." This way, if i'm doing something he can tolerate and he goes "red!" i go "whats up?" and he goes "Oh i just don't enjoy that" and I go "okay cool" and we continue the scene but now i have more information on how to help him enjoy it. Other times he goes "red" and i go "Whats up" and he goes "I'm feeling bad i wanna stop" and thats okay too. The key thing is I don't assume red is a hard stop.

When someone calls red I:

stop what i'm doing immediately

break body contact

Check in, ask why they called red, what they need

proceed accordingly.

Along side this, its so key to remember that you can have more than one safeword. In every day play my partner and I use the stoplight system as detailed here. But we also have a separate safeword that means "if you keep doing that, i'm going to need to go to the hospital." This lets you set up specific safe words. If you're someone who DOES sometimes need a safe word that means "stop everything and give me aftercare" you can pick a word to mean that.

I have found in my own kink practice that "I'm doing good," "I can't take much more," and "I need to stop" are not enough. My scenes have been greatly improved by the addition of "I like this but I need a lower intensity" and "I like this and I want you to up the intensity" - I use Blue and Black for these respectively (though I understand Black has a wildly different meaning in many circles, so maybe pick a different word).

These are by far the most-used safewords by me and my play partners. Previously we wouldn't have had a quick way to ask for more, and asking for less would've required pausing the scene with a Yellow. Obviously we still have and use the base traffic lights, but with extra benefits. Blue lets us continue the scene seamlessly while still having a way to give feedback on intensity, and Black has become one of my favorite things to hear in a scene - a quick way to let me know that I'm doing something really right. It's fun, it's hot, and I think we end up communicating better because of the additions. It's a lot easier to spontaneously offer Blue than it is to say Yellow and then ask for lower intensity, because you don't have to think through as many steps, which makes scenes safer.

Don't you want to feel rope burn on your wrists? on your ankles? Don't you want the base of your neck to be a little purple?

Don't you want bruises on your thighs from having them forced apart? Don't you want to be unable to sit after repeated blows? Don't you want your body and mind to ache with sensation and revelry?

⭐️61 NSFW questions ⭐️

What is your biggest turn-on?

What is a guilty pleasure of yours?

What are some of your kinks?

Do you prefer to be in control or to be told what to do?

Have you ever used flirtation or sex to get out of trouble?

What is the boldest thing you have done in public?

What is your favorite body part on yourself?

Do you enjoy sexual interactions in public?

What kind of clothes \ outfit do you find irresistable?

Have you ever had a sex dream about someone you shouldn't have?

Do you prefer it slow and gentle or rough?

What is something that can turn you on immediately?

Have you ever role-played? If yes, did you like it? If not, would you like to try it?

Do you prefer kisses with tongue or without?

When was your last orgasm?

What is your favorite way to be touched?

Did you ever have sex with a stranger? If yes, would you do it again? If not, would you?

What is something you would like to try out during sex?

What is your favorite position?

Do you use toys when you masturbate?

Do you like using toys during sex?

What is something that can drive you crazy?

What is a fantasy scenario you think about often?

Do you prefer eye contact during sex or to close eyes?

Socks on or off during sex?

Have you ever wanted someone you shouldn't?

What is the most sensitive spot on your body?

Are you noisy during sex?

Do you enjoy sexting?

Do you like phone sex?

Can I send you a nude?

Do you enjoy being tied up?

What is your preference - rope, zip-ties, chains, duct tape, handcuffs?

Do you enjoy to tie up your partner?

What is something you would like to try at least once?

What are your turn-offs?

How do you like dominance shown — gentle, firm, strict?

What is your current safe-word?

Do you prefer light touches or firm pressure?

Do you like scratching / biting?

Do you enjoy sexting with strangers or do you need an emotional connection first?

What dynamic intrigues you most?

How important is emotional trust in kink for you?

What are your no-gos?

What is something you’ve been curious about but never admitted?

Do you prefer earned control or instant authority?

What makes you instantly slip into a submissive or dominant mindset?

Do you enjoy resistance play (playful struggle with consent)?

Do you enjoy to manhandle / being manhandled?

What words or actions are completely off-limits?

What’s a phrase that would make you weak?

What helps you feel safe during intense play?

Would you sext with me?

Do you want/need foreplay to get in the mood?

Do you enjoy sending nudes to people?

What is something you never want to try?

Do you prefer earned control or instant authority?

Based on my blog and/or profile picture, would you have sex with me?

Last time you masturbated?

Do you watch porn regularly?

What is your favorite pet name?

1. request--the thing you're begging for. let me cum, don't spank me, get me pregnant, etc. be descriptive--usually, the more explicit, the better. make it sound appealing to your partner. refer to them by title (if applicable) in this step or the third step. not both.

2. promise--why they should do it. this can include descriptions of how whatever you're asking for will feel for them, how you'll react, or a promise for good behavior or quid pro quos. (in noncon scenes, this is also where you'd put a promise not to tell anyone/get the aggressor in trouble). this should be your longest section, and you CAN give more than one reason.

3. request--rephrase what you asked for in step 1. if step 1 was short, make this longer. if step 1 was long, make it shorter. this is the step where eye contact is most important.

in general, use a deferential, beseeching tone--you can choose how composed to keep it, but keep an undercurrent of "i'll die if you say no." (alternatively, you can lean into the humiliation of verbalizing your desires and speak soft and stuttery. but be warned, you'll run the risk of your dom making you repeat yourself louder.)

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wait fuck